Any other unhappy-ending adoptive parents out there?

[OakLeaf]

(((((Barb)))))

I don't have a lot to add but a hearty +1 to what Trek said. I'm so sorry that things turned out so badly for your family, and so grateful to you for taking your children in.

When you say you've tried "everything," have you tried EMDR? It's one of the modalities that's supposed to be very effective on the kind of post-traumatic reaction you're describing. "Therapy" is as broad a term as "medicine" - it encompasses a lot of modalities and specialties, and I would really encourage you to try again. I do know how difficult that is in a rural area, but I would think you could find a broad range within a reasonable drive, and that at this point a drive would be worth it.

I hope you find a way to soothe your heart, and sooner than later.

[Crankin]

I hope I didn't sound too "flip" when I mentioned counseling. Trauma work is very difficult, so if you go this route, make sure to find someone who is experienced/a specialist in trauma. I know this sounds weird, but sometimes you can get a good referral for a therapist who specializes in trauma from a rape crisis center.
Please let us know how things are going.

[Trek420]

I forgot to have children (luckily Knott remembered) so I can't speak to what it is like to raise a very young child.

All I know is that parenting is the hardest job of all, teaching would be the second hardest I think.

If you want to have a family and all the parts work, lucky you! If not I can understand the desire to have ones own child, your genetic material, your eyes, his smile ... but every time I read of some new technology, new heroic measures to combat infertility all I can think of is somewhere a kid seeing the same news thinking "now I will never have a family". Even with your quality genetic material do we ever know what you're gonna get in a child?

Surprise totally different personality type. Maybe better than you

I personally know a few families with adopted kids who are very happy as far as I know. One of my Aikido instructors adopted their daughter from China. Things are working out well. They have created a lot of community/support with other local families who adopted whether in the good ol' USA or internationally at around the same time. Lots of support.

Growing up our next door (well through the field, through the orchard and past their barn) adopted three kids. I think the kids knew they were adopted. I don't know what happened to them over time. Hey, maybe I'll look them up in Facebook but as playmates and neighbors they were fine.

In the late 70's I cooked at a cafe on Piedmont Ave Oakland, one of our cooks was adopted, sort of. As a child his parents were not interested in parenting. They had other priorities whatever those were.

So they simply dropped him off with their lesbian neighbors in the apartment building. Then they left. This would have been in the '50's. The women raised him with what legal protections they could (which at the time would be none). As far as he was concerned they are his parents.

I recall he expressed no interest in finding the couple who could not be bothered with raising him.

He was, probably still is a great guy, a fun and competent coworker, very very straight and an excellent chef ....

[bacarver]

Hi TE -

Thanks for giving me ideas to ponder. I would very much like to locate an internet support group or individuals willing to e-mail/write who have been through this loss. I did search a few years ago and hit dead ends. The support out there was for those wanting to foster/adopt. The failures were ignored/set aside because they don't promote child placement. I will try again to see if I can find something.
My past experiences with outpatient counseling have been less than satisfactory. I am hesitant to go back in for more.
EMDR is probably my best option.
I find it hard to overcome the "it's not my fault" belief.

Barb

[papaver]

bacarver, this may sound a little weird but... if there aren't any support groups, why not start one of your own? Try to find a psychologist or a counselor or another professional, maybe people from adoption agencies to back you up. It has to start somewhere.

[shootingstar]

bacarver, this may sound a little weird but... if there aren't any support groups, why not start one of your own? Try to find a psychologist or a counselor or another professional, maybe people from adoption agencies to back you up. It has to start somewhere.

Was just thinking of this too. At some point in time, not necessarily right away. Maybe after gathering more strength and with a professional counsellor or 2 to support/coordinate.

Gut feeling tells me...this a whole area of research that needs attention but that can't even begin until professional counsellors are pulled in to speak /talk with folks like bacarver.

Bacarver has much to offer..at some point later.

Hoping for a smoother road for you, bacarver. This is an article of related interest: http://muskie.usm.maine.edu/helpkids...uma-foster.pdf

As an option for : is to contact a university/college where the instructor specializes in teaching /research in areas related to your problem. These people would have a network of professional colleagues and knowledge of credible support groups across the U.S.

[malkin]

Some of the pain you seem to express seems like it would be similar to that of natural parents who are estranged from their children for whatever reason.

It's a sad and painful story.