Any other unhappy-ending adoptive parents out there?

[copperlegend]

bacarver:

As someone that is adopted (27 years ago, as a newborn, as far as i am concerned my parents are MY PARENTS) I want to thank you for adopting. It may not help with the pain you feel with your specific situation, but people like you are a godsend, even when things don't turn out wonderfully. I hope one day you find some sort of solace.

*hug*

[Owlie]

My biology teacher's sister adopted two Russian brothers when they were about six and eight, I think. They had been malnourished and had spent much of their lives effectively alone. They were unholy terrors for a long time. He said they're doing better--physical work for the older one seems to help a lot.

A friend of mine was adopted, as was her (non-biological) brother, both as infants. They've both got some issues, but the brother's were worse. He'd get into a lot of trouble at school, and ended up threatening his sister. Long story short, she got sent to a school in Virginia (I don't know the whole story), they got some kind of help for the boy. My friend wound up dropping out of college and is now working at a bakery.

[Aggie_Ama]

My father was adopted at 7 when his alcoholic biological father gave him to the state. My Nanny and Pawpaw tried to take in both his biological brothers as fosters to keep them a complete family. Both brothers were older and had various problems, the only one I really know of is constantly stealing from my Dad and no amount of direction would stop it. My Nanny and Pawpaw only ending up raising my father because the others had no desire to be in a home environment, they would skip school and disappear for days as young teenagers. They bounced around from relative to relative then jail. One my father now has a relationship with, one he never has. I commend you for trying, my father's family situation isn't as severe as your but I know it pained my grandparents that they tried to do right by the family. I am sure you are not alone, I hope you are able to find the support you need.

[Trek420]

bacarver: .... people like you are a godsend, even when things don't turn out wonderfully. I hope one day you find some sort of solace.

*hug*

+1. People who adopt are wonderful and to be commended. Thank you for adopting, I'm very sorry to hear that it was so tough. I wish there was more support for adoptive families. Maybe then more people would adopt. There are so many kids who need a family.

[badger]

it seems not too uncommon to have not-so-happy endings for parents who adopt. I'm surprised there are no formal help groups. I hope you'll be able to find some comfort somewhere.

My former boss and his wife has two natural children but also adopted two First Nations siblings. They both had fetal alcohol syndrome and proved nothing but trouble. The girl ran away constantly, finally ended up pregnant and moved back to her native Saskatchewan when she was 17. Her brother became involved in drugs and alcohol and was physicially abusive to the family. He also moved back to Saskatchewan when he was about 17.

They were given all the same opportunities as their two natural children but I guess the nature proved stronger than nurture.

I also saw a program once on people who adopted children from foreign countries who have had nothing but trouble. There's even a "camp" for them where there is a woman who is a child-whisperer of sorts. She uses her farm to rehabilitate these children. They don't come back perfect by any means, and some never go back because the parents can't handle them anymore. It was quite startling.

[cylegoddess]

Hope this helps some.
My husbands aunt adopted 2 girls from Korea. One has turned out pretty well, great grades, a dancer, spoiled rotten is the worst of her faults!
The other, a cheeky sort of girl - also gone bad. History of monstrous behavior including throwing a pool ball at her sisters nose, pysch ward, antidepressants, running up credit cards, accusing someone of rape( and we made SURE that she was or wasnt, esp me - seeing as I have been raped), the list goes on and on.
There is a book, called building better babies. Its about how you can make super intelligent , healthy babies. It also get syou to thinking how bad most people eat, and what they do on a daily basis to their body's - isnt so hot for children.
It is such a big big thing not to smoke or drink or take drugs , to have proper nutrition.
Im sure you did your very best.

[cylegoddess]

I myself, was considered a problem child( premie), up til the day that I found out that I had non diagnosed ADD from blue baby syndrome. It was heartbreaking as I blamed for things I had no control over( focus) etc, and despair spiraled me into a eating disorder, and worse. No one knew and my parents still dont know to this day, the cruelty that I have been thru.
I figure, they did their best, even though the best wasn't so good.
You, have tried. And like myself, are haunted. And might be for a while.
Time is a great healer, but sometimes there isnt enough time.
Perhaps you might do some hatha yoga.This is the very best thing I found for emotional hurt and upsets. It has been done for 1000s of years to calm the emotions and I find it helps let them out too.
You are a special and caring person. You have done a brave and good thing. Im sorry it hurt you. You are your own Lance Armstrong in some ways, you know? No hill or endurance will hurt as much as perhaps you still do. Use it, the pain is a tool. Exceed your limits. It helps. xxo Kerry

[OakLeaf]

(((((Barb)))))

I don't have a lot to add but a hearty +1 to what Trek said. I'm so sorry that things turned out so badly for your family, and so grateful to you for taking your children in.

When you say you've tried "everything," have you tried EMDR? It's one of the modalities that's supposed to be very effective on the kind of post-traumatic reaction you're describing. "Therapy" is as broad a term as "medicine" - it encompasses a lot of modalities and specialties, and I would really encourage you to try again. I do know how difficult that is in a rural area, but I would think you could find a broad range within a reasonable drive, and that at this point a drive would be worth it.

I hope you find a way to soothe your heart, and sooner than later.

[Crankin]

I hope I didn't sound too "flip" when I mentioned counseling. Trauma work is very difficult, so if you go this route, make sure to find someone who is experienced/a specialist in trauma. I know this sounds weird, but sometimes you can get a good referral for a therapist who specializes in trauma from a rape crisis center.
Please let us know how things are going.