Relationship/trust probs...

[OakLeaf]

even if you get good counseling and you "fix" every aspect of your relationship and have a wonderful & happy home, a cheater will always be tempted to cheat... it's almost like a type of addiction. (I'm assuming that even if he's never actually cheated that posting something on a swingers site probably means he'd be willing to)

I have nothing to add to the good advice others have given like2bike2, but I have to comment on that, because I don't think it's accurate.

I cheated on my first husband. I'm not proud of it, but there it is. It was a symptom, not a cause, of the many things that were wrong with our marriage, but my acting on those feelings obviously didn't help anything.

In 15 years I've never once felt an impulse to cheat on my present husband.

Healthy individuals in a healthy relationship will not "cheat" (agreeing to an open relationship is something different). Adultery is NOT an "addiction," and even if it were, addicts can and do get clean when they have a relationship they value more than their junk.

Like2bike2, I hope that you find a resolution that heals your heart and makes you feel valuable to yourself.

[tulip]

I have nothing to add to the good advice others have given like2bike2, but I have to comment on that, because I don't think it's accurate.

+1000

[teigyr]

Healthy individuals in a healthy relationship will not "cheat"

But see the operative word is "healthy" in both cases. I think there are exceptions but there will be people who will cheat no matter how seemingly perfect their relationship is. I've seen proof of that. I also know that there are people who will not cheat, no matter how bad their relationship. I've seen proof of that too. It's not to say they meekly accept whatever's going on but they talk, go through counseling, separate, and then divorce. DH is in that category and one of the things I respect about him is he wouldn't even meet me in person (we have a mutual friend who introduced us) until his final court date for his divorce. He had one of the most hellish marriages I've ever heard of.

So, it is what it is. For OP though, I think if there is suspicion and a bit of proof, then go with your instinct. Mr. Silver had a good point about being overly "parental" (can't remember the exact phrase) because you can only control so much. He needs to talk to you and say exactly what's going on in his head. If your marriage is worth it to him, and I hope that it is, he will do what it takes to ensure you are able to communicate and have a trustful marriage.

[Mr. Bloom]

Healthy individuals in a healthy relationship will not "cheat" (agreeing to an open relationship is something different). Adultery is NOT an "addiction," and even if it were, addicts can and do get clean when they have a relationship they value more than their junk.

I agree to a point. We may be splitting hairs here, but adultery addiction does exist, we simply call it something different - hypersexuality and pathological lying are recognized clinical disorders; adultery can be a symptom of these disorders IMHO...but I also would agree that they are better controlled in a healthy relationship, albeit, it would be hard for me to imagine someone with these disorders actually having a healthy relationship.

I'm curious how like2 is receiving all these thoughts and if the situation has evolved/improved any...

[limewave]

I agree to a point. We may be splitting hairs here, but adultery addiction does exist, we simply call it something different - hypersexuality and pathological lying are recognized clinical disorders; adultery can be a symptom of these disorders IMHO...but I also would agree that they are better controlled in a healthy relationship, albeit, it would be hard for me to imagine someone with these disorders actually having a healthy relationship.

I'm curious how like2 is receiving all these thoughts and if the situation has evolved/improved any...

I think if you are "hypersexual" or are a "pathological lyer"--that disqualifies you from being a "healthy individual." And I would think you'd have to be a healthy individual before you can be in a healthy relationship. Not that you can't get treatment or be cured from those things . . . .

[Like2bike2]

Thanks for all of the good advice. I tasked my husband with finding a counselor...we'll see how that goes.

[tulip]

I agree to a point. We may be splitting hairs here, but adultery addiction does exist, we simply call it something different - hypersexuality and pathological lying are recognized clinical disorders; adultery can be a symptom of these disorders IMHO...but I also would agree that they are better controlled in a healthy relationship, albeit, it would be hard for me to imagine someone with these disorders actually having a healthy relationship.

I'm curious how like2 is receiving all these thoughts and if the situation has evolved/improved any...

To continue the discussion...it appears you are equating adultery with sexual addiction. That's pretty simplistic. I disagree with you that someone who commits adultery automatically has a "disorder," which connotes a pathology, a disease. There are two people in a marriage, and each has equal responsibility to make that marriage work--in all sorts of ways. Marriage is not solely about sex, and neither is adultery.

[Zen]

Marriage is not solely about sex, and neither is adultery.

I have to chime in and agree that that is indeed, the crux of the biscuit.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

To continue the discussion...it appears you are equating adultery with sexual addiction. That's pretty simplistic. I disagree with you that someone who commits adultery automatically has a "disorder," which connotes a pathology, a disease.

My impression from reading his words is that Mr. Silver did not say or imply that. Wasn't he talking about 'adultery addiction' as opposed to simply adultery?
...as in addiction, meaning "the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma."
He also said that adultery could be a symptom of a disorder such as hypersexuality and pathological lying. He did not say or imply that people who commit adultery automatically have a disorder.
Also, a minor point, but- a 'disorder' does not necessarily connote a disease or pathology, but rather:
"a disturbance in physical or mental health or functions; malady or dysfunction as in: a mild stomach disorder".

[tulip]

My impression from reading his words is that Mr. Silver did not say or imply that. Wasn't he talking about 'adultery addiction' as opposed to simply adultery?
...as in addiction, meaning "the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma."
He also said that adultery could be a symptom of a disorder such as hypersexuality and pathological lying. He did not say or imply that people who commit adultery automatically have a disorder.
Also, a minor point, but- a 'disorder' does not necessarily connote a disease or pathology, but rather:
"a disturbance in physical or mental health or functions; malady or dysfunction as in: a mild stomach disorder".

Lisa, perhaps I should have taken out my dictionary.

However, I stand by my point.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

There are two people in a marriage, and each has equal responsibility to make that marriage work--in all sorts of ways. Marriage is not solely about sex, and neither is adultery.

I certainly do agree with these points.

[Mr. Bloom]

I am acquainted with the situation - no, it's not me.

First, Lisa did interpret my meaning precisely.

But, to expand - there are MANY non-sexual forms of adultery. Adultery is one form of rebellion. Rebellion may have a psychological basis in a disease or disorder OR, it may be caused by other non-pathological social motivators.