Puzzling death circumstances in a family

[Grog]

I agree that offering condolences seems like the wisest thing to do.

And also that the cause of death seems pretty ordinary...

This is very sad.

[SheFly]

With respect to everyone here, why is it that people immediately ask HOW someone died? Why is it important to you? With the recent loss of my younger brother, this has been the case with anyone I have told - how did he die? Was he sick? Because he took his own life, I am often, especially with people to whom I am not close, reluctant to share the details.

I agree with others who have said that sympathies are acceptable. Questions just bring up more pain.

My $0.02.

SheFly

[witeowl]

With respect to everyone here, why is it that people immediately ask HOW someone died?

My sympathies for your very difficult situation. In answer to your question: Because we are human beings, and part of the way we deal with loss is by trying to find reasons and explanations where, ultimately, there are none. It's the same reason that we have, over the centuries, created various creation myths to explain our very existence. We need to know why despite the ultimate unimportance of it.

True, it seems very unfeeling and insensitive when the circumstances are less natural, but know that it is one way that people show that they care about both the deceased and the living. Asking those questions show that they're also affected by the death. When I had to deal with phone calls after my step-father's death, I never once had to answer that question to a stranger; they never asked. It was only the people who cared about him or me who asked.

That said, your point is well taken. When we are naturally inclined to express our sympathies by asking questions, it may be better to ask questions in the present, as in: What can we do to help you?

[Cataboo]

True, it seems very unfeeling and insensitive when the circumstances are less natural, but know that it is one way that people show that they care about both the deceased and the living. Asking those questions show that they're also affected by the death. When I had to deal with phone calls after my step-father's death, I never once had to answer that question to a stranger; they never asked. It was only the people who cared about him or me who asked.

My general approach if someone tells me that someone they know/love has died is just to express my sympathy, say oh, that's terrible it was so young... And just leave it at that. If the person wants to talk about it and volunteers info, I'll listen and be interested. But if they don't volunteer info on why someone died, I'll just share good memories I had of them if I knew them.

Generally if it's a good friend or someone I know, I already know that their father is sick with melanoma or something like that, so I don't need to ask "oh, what did they die of?"

So not asking why someone died on my part is mostly a - okay, someone's intimate medical details are not my business unless they volunteer it, and that's just often times a painful topic... I just find it's better to let people talk, because people do want to talk about their deceased love one... and my experience has been when I needed to talk about that sort of thing, most of my friends (okay, we were all young - so maybe this is different when you get older), would just rapidly change the subject because they really had no idea what to say or just couldn't relate.

[witeowl]

So not asking why someone died on my part is mostly a - okay, someone's intimate medical details are not my business unless they volunteer it, and that's just often times a painful topic... I just find it's better to let people talk, because people do want to talk about their deceased love one...

All true. I never meant to imply that one should ask such questions. I just meant to explain that it's somewhat human to do so. My point was, "Here is why some of us can appear insensitive when we really just care," and was definitely not, "We should all be insensitive to prove we care."

I agree that the alternatives given in many posts here (primarily simply offering condolences) are what we should all aspire for.

[andtckrtoo]

Honestly, I think you're reading too much in to this. If someone close to me ended up committing suicide and I wanted to hide it, I could come up with a much more direct and believable cause of death than Alzheimers/pneumonia especially for someone under 55. Simply saying he died of a heart attack would do it.

I would not be surprised if the hush hush part is due to the Alzheimers. Mental illness (even though Alzheimers is not really defined as a mental illness) has a stigma attached, still. Especially at such a young age. I'm watching my second older friend go through it (the first one passed away at the age of 77), and it's absolutely heartbreaking. My friend now is 83 and has lived a wonderful life, but her husband, who is the sweetest guy I know, is 86 and fit as a fiddle (goes to the gym daily) and he's bewildered and lost with her going through this. I could not imagine how horrible it would be to see someone in his prime lose himself in this way. Maybe she just cannot bare to be reminded right now.

[bmccasland]

Shootingstar - condolances to your friend's loss of her husband. Alzheimer's can strike someone young. I had a friend be diagnosed at the age of 45, and die at 51, despite being treated with the meds to slow the progression. That's all they do, slow the progression. It was especially hard on his wife (widow) to watch her husband decline. She fought like mad to protect him, keep life at a routine, keep him normal for as long as possible. All we could do was support her. People think Alzheimer's is an "old" people's disease and it isn't necessarily so. You loose you mind, your brain atrophys, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

I took Alan to a state required psych evaluation - as the appointment was out of town, and their car wasn't up to driving the distance. Alan was already on disability for other reasons, when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's by his doctor. So of course the state required their own confirmation. Anyway, there were a battery of tests, but one of the questions they asked him (according to his wife Patti, who was with him, I was in my truck reading), was about his mental health, was he depressed. Alan said, "I'm loosing my F*cking mind, how do you think I feel! No I don't want to commit suicide, I want to live!!" Patti, comes running out to tell me, she has to laugh and cry at the same time.

So, I would give my full condolances to your friend, for whatever sad reason robbed her of her husband. Dealing with Alzheimers or dementia is extremly difficult for familys of those afflicted, the person you knew was gone, the body is there, but mind not-so-much. Sometimes the lights are on, or not. Or if they are, you may not know who's going to answer. Death can be a blessing in the end.