Puzzling death circumstances in a family

[shootingstar]

To my shock, I learned just yesterday of someone's husband who died of supposedly Alzheimer's and pneumonia. The guy was under 55 and didn't have any heart nor respiratory problems. Was hubby of a woman friend that I used to have a close friendship for over 15 years but that faded to nearly nothing in past decade.

It just sounds abit strange...nowadays in North America to die of such causes. I've known the wife since elementary school and know her well as a high achiever in every front --school, her career, her finances (when she was single, bought her own home 2 years after landing a full-time job post-university studies) and no doubt, her 2 children in terms of child-rearing.

I am aware he was a stay-at-home dad for a few years and did undergo depression. Not certain for all the causes.

I was told this news in hush-hush way via another mutual friend.

Why is it I can't shake the feeling the reasons for his death are not stated as such...either to protect the children or whatever??

It is hard on surviving family members when a premature death occurs suddenly under rather cloudy circumstances or at least cloudy information communicated outside of the immediate family.

Maybe I'm just reading way too much into all this.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

The question really is- how important is it to you to know exactly how this man died? If it's very important to you, then perhaps you should ask his widow directly, since she used to be your friend. If asking her would make you uncomfortable, then maybe you are not close enough to the family to actually need to know all the details.
Yes Alzeimer's can kill, as well as pneumonia. Depression and bi-polar disorder 'kill' too- if the sufferer decides to take their own life.
Expressing your condolences through a card or a phone call, without inquiring about the details of his death would be tactful.

[azfiddle]

Sorry to hear of the loss, although it sounds as though you weren't extremely close to your friend and her husband at this time in your life.

This may have no bearing on your friend's situation, but my mom suffered from depression and took her own life about the time I graduated high school. Other family members did not want to explain the circumstances and told my grandmother that she died in a car accident. It was easier for them than explaining what really happened.

Regardless of the details, your friend may appreciate a card or call of sympathy, just to let her know you are thinking of her at this time.
Sharon

[wackyjacky1]

The depression might have been an early symptom of Alzheimer's. Also, it is common for Alzheimer's sufferers to aspirate food or saliva, which can lead to pneumonia. Because Alzheimer's debilitates both the mind and body, the inability to fight off infection makes pneumonia one of the leading causes of death for Alzheimer's patients.

[witeowl]

It just sounds abit strange...nowadays in North America to die of such causes.

My stepfather died at a relatively young age a few years ago... of a stomach ulcer (which the doctors knew about but were somehow unable to find and treat). I most certainly would not be surprised if your friend's husband did, indeed, die of the stated reasons.

[tulip]

I agree with Lisa...why is this your concern? If you feel that you have a place to ask, then ask the widow, respectfully. If you are just curious, well, you'll have to decide how curious you are.

Regardless of how he died, his death is a loss for his family and friends. Maybe it would be best to send your condolences and be there for your friend if she needs an old buddy to talk to.

[Cataboo]

Many many people die of pneumonia. Maybe he had more complicated problems than that, maybe he didn't... Maybe it was a strain of bacteria that was antibiotic resistant. Maybe he was immunosupressed. Depression causes immunosuppresion. However, since you were told this hush hush and aren't really close friends anymore... I really don't think that it matters how he died, it's still a terrible thing and isn't really any of your business... I don't see how it's face saving to tell people that he died of alzheimers or any reason to lie about that...

My sister in law was in a fire as a child and her lungs were severely damaged/burned. She ends up with walking pneumonia several times a year, and I'm quite certain that at whatever point she dies, she'll have pneumonia. And it may very well be when she's young. And she looks healthy to the average person, without knowing her history as a child it doesn't make sense that she always has pneumonia. And she lives in north america and has regular medical care, gets the standard treatments for pneumonia, she just can't clear it.

When my youngest brother died, I heard some of the rumors that were going around his school... "his family pulled the plug" or other ones going around the community and seriously... it was noone's business exactly what the details were of his medical history, and we really didn't need to recount them in great detail to any acquaintance to satisfy their morbid curiosity. And we especially did not need anyone questioning his diagnosis or anything like that.

[Mr. Bloom]

My father had demensia in his final months - similar symptoms to alzheimers, but different cause. Actual cause of death was pneumonia.

Anyway, pneumonia was a result of his aspirating into his lungs. Aspiration was a result of his intense agitation when he was fed something he didn't like. Agitation was a result of demensia and a resulting inability to handle disappointment in a normal manner.

The line might not be a straight one, but the cause/effect is likely legitimate.

Care givers in a situation like this have a virtually impossible and thankless job. I'd let the issue die along with him.

[solobiker]

Well said Mr. Silver


I work in health care and have seen and worked with many people with the above mentioned dx. Pneumonia is very tough to deal with alone, if you put other co-morbidities on top of that it is a whole different situation with many complications. I will have to agree with Mr. Silver....Let this issue die with him. I would not ask the family member what happened because it does not really matter, all that matters is that he is remembered for who he was. Sorry, but that is just my feeling on the issue.

[Grog]

I agree that offering condolences seems like the wisest thing to do.

And also that the cause of death seems pretty ordinary...

This is very sad.

[SheFly]

With respect to everyone here, why is it that people immediately ask HOW someone died? Why is it important to you? With the recent loss of my younger brother, this has been the case with anyone I have told - how did he die? Was he sick? Because he took his own life, I am often, especially with people to whom I am not close, reluctant to share the details.

I agree with others who have said that sympathies are acceptable. Questions just bring up more pain.

My $0.02.

SheFly

[witeowl]

With respect to everyone here, why is it that people immediately ask HOW someone died?

My sympathies for your very difficult situation. In answer to your question: Because we are human beings, and part of the way we deal with loss is by trying to find reasons and explanations where, ultimately, there are none. It's the same reason that we have, over the centuries, created various creation myths to explain our very existence. We need to know why despite the ultimate unimportance of it.

True, it seems very unfeeling and insensitive when the circumstances are less natural, but know that it is one way that people show that they care about both the deceased and the living. Asking those questions show that they're also affected by the death. When I had to deal with phone calls after my step-father's death, I never once had to answer that question to a stranger; they never asked. It was only the people who cared about him or me who asked.

That said, your point is well taken. When we are naturally inclined to express our sympathies by asking questions, it may be better to ask questions in the present, as in: What can we do to help you?

[bmccasland]

Shootingstar - condolances to your friend's loss of her husband. Alzheimer's can strike someone young. I had a friend be diagnosed at the age of 45, and die at 51, despite being treated with the meds to slow the progression. That's all they do, slow the progression. It was especially hard on his wife (widow) to watch her husband decline. She fought like mad to protect him, keep life at a routine, keep him normal for as long as possible. All we could do was support her. People think Alzheimer's is an "old" people's disease and it isn't necessarily so. You loose you mind, your brain atrophys, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

I took Alan to a state required psych evaluation - as the appointment was out of town, and their car wasn't up to driving the distance. Alan was already on disability for other reasons, when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's by his doctor. So of course the state required their own confirmation. Anyway, there were a battery of tests, but one of the questions they asked him (according to his wife Patti, who was with him, I was in my truck reading), was about his mental health, was he depressed. Alan said, "I'm loosing my F*cking mind, how do you think I feel! No I don't want to commit suicide, I want to live!!" Patti, comes running out to tell me, she has to laugh and cry at the same time.

So, I would give my full condolances to your friend, for whatever sad reason robbed her of her husband. Dealing with Alzheimers or dementia is extremly difficult for familys of those afflicted, the person you knew was gone, the body is there, but mind not-so-much. Sometimes the lights are on, or not. Or if they are, you may not know who's going to answer. Death can be a blessing in the end.

[Cataboo]

True, it seems very unfeeling and insensitive when the circumstances are less natural, but know that it is one way that people show that they care about both the deceased and the living. Asking those questions show that they're also affected by the death. When I had to deal with phone calls after my step-father's death, I never once had to answer that question to a stranger; they never asked. It was only the people who cared about him or me who asked.

My general approach if someone tells me that someone they know/love has died is just to express my sympathy, say oh, that's terrible it was so young... And just leave it at that. If the person wants to talk about it and volunteers info, I'll listen and be interested. But if they don't volunteer info on why someone died, I'll just share good memories I had of them if I knew them.

Generally if it's a good friend or someone I know, I already know that their father is sick with melanoma or something like that, so I don't need to ask "oh, what did they die of?"

So not asking why someone died on my part is mostly a - okay, someone's intimate medical details are not my business unless they volunteer it, and that's just often times a painful topic... I just find it's better to let people talk, because people do want to talk about their deceased love one... and my experience has been when I needed to talk about that sort of thing, most of my friends (okay, we were all young - so maybe this is different when you get older), would just rapidly change the subject because they really had no idea what to say or just couldn't relate.

[PamNY]

Shootingstar, I don't find the cause of death surprising at all. The reasons for this have been well stated, so I won't repeat.

It's perfectly natural to wonder and be curious, but I think that expressing condolences and avoiding questions is the best course unless you know the survivors very well. If you have happy memories of the deceased, share those as well.

Death brings up so many things (our own mortality, for example) that I don't much worry about whatever thoughts pass through my head, but I try to be careful what I say. It's a fine line; sometimes people want to talk about the details, sometimes they don't.

My sympathies on your loss.

Pam