Puzzling death circumstances in a family

[azfiddle]

Sorry to hear of the loss, although it sounds as though you weren't extremely close to your friend and her husband at this time in your life.

This may have no bearing on your friend's situation, but my mom suffered from depression and took her own life about the time I graduated high school. Other family members did not want to explain the circumstances and told my grandmother that she died in a car accident. It was easier for them than explaining what really happened.

Regardless of the details, your friend may appreciate a card or call of sympathy, just to let her know you are thinking of her at this time.
Sharon

[wackyjacky1]

The depression might have been an early symptom of Alzheimer's. Also, it is common for Alzheimer's sufferers to aspirate food or saliva, which can lead to pneumonia. Because Alzheimer's debilitates both the mind and body, the inability to fight off infection makes pneumonia one of the leading causes of death for Alzheimer's patients.

[shootingstar]

The depression might have been an early symptom of Alzheimer's. Also, it is common for Alzheimer's sufferers to aspirate food or saliva, which can lead to pneumonia. Because Alzheimer's debilitates both the mind and body, the inability to fight off infection makes pneumonia one of the leading causes of death for Alzheimer's patients.

Perhaps this was all it was. I have lost touch with the wife, the ex-close friend of mine.

As follow-up to Tuckerville's thoughtful observation about suicide in general:
Now that I seem like a heartless, curious soul about my ex-close friend, do bear in mind a husband of first cousin that our family knows well, her husband committed suicide. The family did not hide the reason for his death.

And it has been tough on his surviving children who were young at that time.

That's all folks. There is nothing much more to say because I'm too distant to know anymore.

[Mr. Bloom]

Now that I seem like a heartless, curious soul about my ex-close friend

I don't think so...your comment here proves just the opposite:

Why is it I can't shake the feeling the reasons for his death are not stated as such...either to protect the children or whatever??

I think this kind of question and curiousity comes out of compassion and not heartlessness

[lph]

I would much rather have people ask me why or how someone died, than be so cautious and careful that they end up saying nothing or changing the subject. When my brother died of a heart attack I talked about him all the time to everyone, to make the point that how he died was not a sensitive subject, and I needed to talk. But I guess this is personal, and I'm sure it feels quite different if you lose a friend or family member to suicide. On the other hand, maybe that person desperately wants to talk about that too but doesn't want to be the one bringing up something "overly personal". I don't know.

There was a suicide at my workplace about 2 years ago. We were told just that he had died, and then the rumours started flying. I was quite upset that people spent so much time and effort musing over this *based on nothing but conjecture*, at the same time people who probably did know said nothing. How and why overshadowed and seemed more important than mourning him. I asked my boss and the HR people to please have a short mention of this man, whom many people knew and liked, at the next large meeting, just before Christmas. They hemmed and hawed about the "appropriateness", but I pointed out that *not* honouring his name and his passing was in fact just as painful for those of us who knew him and missed him, but didn't feel close enough to go to the funeral. So at the meeting our boss said a few words about him, and yes, confirmed his suicide, and there was 2 minutes silence. It was good. All rumours gone, and people could talk about how much he was missed, instead. My only personal experience with this.

[redrhodie]

Shootingstar, I wonder if there is an east/west difference about how death and mourning is experienced? I know from other threads that some topics which were not talked about in my house were openly discussed in yours. I'm curious if this is one of those situations where what we think is appropriate is cultural, not universal?

You are absolutely not heartless! I have wondered the same thing about my bf's nephew, whose death is a mystery to us because his family didn't want to talk about it even to my bf, the deceased's uncle. His family thinks it's favorable to not talk about anything painful. His mother and I talk a lot about the weather. Another case, in an unusually deep conversation where my bf's mother told me she had had a mastectomy, she also told me not to tell her son, even though the operation was when he was a child, still living with her. This is probably an extreme example, but we suppress a lot in our family.