That is soo funny!
May I add a little pool newbie humor? You might be a beginner if.......

If everytime you stop you burp continuosly and it smells like chlorine!!

If the elderly man in the lane next to you says " hunny you don't need the goggles because your head is never in the water"!

If you have the pool flu the day after your swim from swallowing so much water!