well, it's done...

first off, i guess i should apologize to some TE members. it seems i've ruffled a few feathers by asking for personal advice. i do understand. it is odd asking complete strangers for advice. however, i actually like advice from complete strangers because there's a chance that it's more objective. i did ask some friends what i should do...however, i don't have many female friends, most of my friends are male...and they offered some stereotypical male advice..ie "dude, f her...you don't need her...get over it, it's been years...lets to get you laid". and there's some validity to what they say...and they mean well, they just want me to find happiness. the only family i have is my mom...and she thought this particular ex was no good for me anyway...however, i think she was wrong about that...so her opinion is HIGHLY subjective.

anyway...that's the story of me reaching out to the gals of TE for relatively objective advice.

as to what happened...

i really had no plan when i called her...i still hadn't decided what to do. i just figured i'd play it by ear. so i called her. and it was so wonderful to even just hear her voice. and actually, we just chit chatted for bit. eventually...we started to talk about all the things that went wrong between us, why things went the way they did. it was difficult. there were lots of tears...lots of crying for both of us. she told her perspective and perception of what happened...which all came as a shock to me. towards the end, i guess she was so very unhappy being with me...and that came as a surprise, actually. not totally...i mean, i actually tried to create a bad atmosphere between us so that it wouldn't seem like our breakup come totally out of the blue when i end our relationship. but still...i didn't know she was unhappy with us. and she said she thought i just didn't care about her. and i let her know the truth about why i ended it. and that i loved her the entire time...it never waned. i told her how much i cared for her...and how much i still care for...i apologized for everything. i expressed my opinion that i had made a terrible mistake...and i told her all my regrets. and she expressed how she wishes things could have turned out differently. there were a lot of things said...and it all seems like a blur. we talked for about an hour and a half...until she had to go before her fiancee got home.

she said she really wished we could keep in touch...but i finished her sentence by saying it wouldn't be fair or right with regard to her fiancee. and she agreed. and we both said this will most likely be the last time we ever speak or correspond. and we both cried...or cried more, as we were both in tears for most of the hour and half we talked. she told me she still thinks about me every day, every single day. she told me that i'll always have place in her heart. i told her the same.

in the end...i never told her i still love her, even though i do. i never asked for another chance. i never asked for her back. i never asked her to meet me even though i was seconds away from her (she had no idea i was literally seconds away to attend a friends fundraiser). earlier in the conversation, she told me a tiny bit about her fiancee. and...maybe she is conflicted...i'm pretty certain she's conflicted...but i could tell her fiancee is someone that can make her happy. and i'm sure he is more deserving of shawna than i am.

i'm actually sobbing right now as i type this. yeah...i'm pretty pathetic...

i wish i could have another chance...i wish i could have asked her for another chance. but in the moment...it just didn't seem right. we indulged in some reflection...clarified some of what happened...expressed our mutual continued caring for one another...wished each other the best. and i expressed how happy i was for her to have found someone deserving of her love.

i'm still not over her. and it was bizarre...i'm not certain she's over me. it broke my heart to hear her tell me how much she still cares for me...and how she thinks about me every day...and to hear her crying. it broke my heart beause by that time in the conversation, i'd already made up my mind that the best thing for us would for me to avoid trying to break up her and her fiancee.

it's been about 5-6 hours since we talked. i feel heartbroken...but i think i sense some peace as well. despite her conflictedness, i heard enough to know that her fiancee can make her happy. he's not a bad guy...he's a good guy. and that is a relief to me. because she deserves happiness. besides, i don't deserve her. i'm an idiot.

anyway...that's that. now i have to figure out how to really get over her. wish me luck with that...that's where i'll really need your well wishes!