Girls, I need your help! Emergency...

[celerystalksme]

Ok...for those of you that don't know, I'm a guy. Found this place as somewhere to find advice on bike and gear for short folk. Now...onto my problem...this might get long, its relationship stuff...

Alright...so, I was in Philly over the weekend. First time in Philly. And everywhere I go, they have Pennsylvania's own Yuengling beer. It reminded me of an ex because she wanted get that beer practically the entire time we dated. Anyway, I got back on Monday...and went into work on Tuesday. During the day, I decided to text message my ex who I haven't spoke to in a couple years...since we broke up. I send this:

"I was in Pennsylvania oer the weekend and saw Yuengling beer everywhere! That beer remind me of you. Anyway, hope you're well."

Now...here's the thing. I broke up with her. Worst mistake of my life. I loved so much...more than anyone ever. There were a lot of stupid factors that caused me to end our relationship which I won't go into right now for the sake of brevity. In anycase, I ended it...broker her heart, broke my own. Since the breakup, I have tried to reach out to her if for no other reason that to regain what was also the best friendship of my life. She has never responded before.

Yesterday...she responded. She sent a text back asking if I was at work. And then 10 minutes later, she called and left a voicemail. I missed both when they occurred as I was working and simply not expecting to hear back...

I listened to the message...she told me how she's been meaning to talk to me, about how she wanted to clear some things up about the end of our relationship...and she tells me she's getting married soon. Then...she said the following through lots of emotion and tears:

"i wish you well, i really do. i truly loved you. i cared so much about you. and i think you deserve the best. and i'm just sorry that i couldn't get a chance to say goodbye to you. i would just...i guess this is goodbye forever. but i truly did love you and care about you. and i still just wish...i hope you're happy. and i hope you find, and i know you will, find an amazing woman. and i know it will be different. and you'll be completely honest with her. and i will...just like she'll be honest with you. being two co dependents, we should have never dated. but it is what it is. and i'm happy for it. and you know...lets just take the lessons and learn from that. and i wish you seriously the best. *particulary strong emotion* i'm sorry i'm upset. anyway...i will...probably won't talk to you later. but please know that i still continually pray for you every night. and pray that you're doing well and happy. i'll quit taking up your time. i seriously wish you the best. alright...i wish you well."

By the end...I'm sobbing at work looking like a total retard...and excuse myself to my car. Because...see...here's the thing...I never stopped loving her. I should have NEVER ended our relationship. I was scared...and stupid...I was a coward.

I composed myself and went back into the office...and I decided to text her back: "I'm at work right now. I'm not sure if you'll pick up but I'd like to try to call you later."

She asks if I can call her tomorrow. I reply sure, anytime after 4pm...and I congratulate her and and tell her I'm happy that she's been blessed. She replies that tomorrow around 4pm is good.

Now what? I don't even know what to say. If she weren't engaged, I just let it all out and tell her I still love her and I how I can't imagine every being with anyone else. But she's engaged...yet it seems like there's some sort of emotion there still left for me...or am I wrong? Does it matter? Do I just graciously put my desires aside...wish her the best...and just try to move on? Do I tell her I still love her and that I should never have ended our relationship...and tell her the truth about my reasons for ending our realtionship?

And the other thing is...as coincidence would have it, I'll actually be heading right out her way after work because I have to go drop by the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society offices and then to a bar for a friends fundraiser...both are far from me but seconds from her. Do I ask her to meet me somewhere for a sec?

I want to be selfish...I want to see her again, even if it's for the last time just to see her again in person and say goodbye...and I also want to let her know how much I still love her and care for her, even it it means I make a total fool of myself.

Or do I just put it all aside and just talk on the phone...wish her the best...and move on...? I just don't know...I mean, I know what I want to do...but I don't know if that's the best thing to do. There's no instructions or manuals for stuff like this...

Anyway...any advice would be appreciated...thanks...

[roadie gal]

Move on, move on, move on. She's got a new life, so should you. That relationship is over. Don't make yourself and her miserable with "what ifs". Say goodbye if you have to then MOVE ON.

[Veronica]

It sounds like she has moved on. Let her move on. Don't hang more emotional baggage on her.

Veronica

[Biciclista]

yes. she has a chance to have a happy life with her new man. Tell her to keep in touch, and if anything ever happens down the road she can get back in touch with you.
But i think it's wrong to jeopardize her new marriage.
Good luck to you.
affairs of the heart are tough.

[Trek420]

That's a tough one. She's engaged, she's moving on. I'd wish her and her guy well, maybe send a card? It sounds like he's one lucky guy and has mended her broken heart.

I'd say learn from it and move on.

[shootingstar]

Just send her a pleasant card to wish her well. No need to see her. She really has moved on with already her gracious goodbye to you from her.

You have much to offer to someone else.

[PamNY]

Of course you should get together if you both want to. In your situation, I would want to and I would suggest it (responding graciously if she says "no" is important, though).

Her being engaged has nothing to do with it.

Pam

[Crankin]

This is really a tough one. I was in a similar situation many years ago. Right when we were close to reuniting, he got engaged to someone else (it was long distance at this point). I found out months later that she was pregnant.
My advice is to move on, no matter how difficult it is. I met my DH less than a year later and we have been married for almost 30 years.

[indysteel]

I agree with the others that you should move on. In fact, I would suggest that you send her a text cancelling your next conversation. Wish her well and leave it at that.

I think many of us have a certain somebody in our past that we will always wonder about, but IMO, our memories of that person and the relationship are often HIGHLY romanticized. If you and your ex scratch this itch, you could find out that the reality is vastly different and, in the process, tragically hurt yourselves and other people.

[KSH]

I agree with the others that you should move on. In fact, I would suggest that you send her a text cancelling your next conversation. Wish her well and leave it at that.

I think many of us have a certain somebody in our past that we will always wonder about, but IMO, our memories of that person and the relationship are often HIGHLY romanticized. If you and your ex scratch this itch, you could find out that the reality is vastly different and, in the process, tragically hurt yourselves and other people.

What she said x's two!

To the OP... I guess I'm wondering how old you are. In my early 20's... when something like this happened to me... I ran with it. Got swept up in love... and didn't really care about the consequences of how it would affect those around me.

Now, in my 30's... I wouldn't think of such a thing. Love DOES NOT conquer all. It's not a cure-all for any issues or troubles you may have. And I know... from past experiences... if I broke up with someone before... those reasons remain, even if it's years later. I just have forgotten that bad stuff as time has made my memory hazy.

The best thing you can do for her... is to let her go. Don't be nice. Don't give her a thread of hope. Don't talk to her and profess your love. MOVE ON. You screwed up in the past. Don't ruin her future because YOU made a mistake in the past.

The girl is ENGAGED. She fell in love with someone and they have decided to get married. Let her get married in peace without you hanging around going "but I love you!".

Obviously this girl can be dragged back into your tangeled web (based on the message she left you- and she was crying)... and if you give her one glimmer of hope, she will probably ruin what she has with her fiance.

Finally... even though you don't know the other guy... you need to be respectful. Just like no woman should chase after a taken man... no man should chase after a taken woman. You had your shot. It's over. Move on and find someone new.

[celerystalksme]

in response to a couple of the posts above and just a general response...

funny thing about this is...i was totally surprised to hear back from her. in the two years we've been apart, she has never responded to the once every 6 month 'hello, how are you' i've sent her. it was shocking.

when i first started to hear her message...i was surprised to hear her but emotionally even keeled. and when she said she was getting married, i felt a mix of happiness for her and a little sadness.

but i tell you what...i broke down like a baby when i heard her voice crack and when i heard her crying through the part of the message i posted. i did not expect that at all. i guess i assumed i was still hanging on a bit...but i thought i probably didn't even exist to her anymore. when i heard all the emotion...when i heard the things she said...and when i heard her halting sentences, where it seemed like she wanted to say something more or something different but didn't...hearing all of that, brought everything rushing back. all my regret...all of my love...everything i never got a chance to say...all came flooding back in a torrent.

someone mentioned that sometimes we romanticize our past relationships. and of course, this is often true...mostly true. i'm not sure that's the case with this particular relationship. she loved me so much and wanted to marry...i loved her so much and i wanted to marry her. was it perfect? of course not...but it was close. i didn't want it to end...but thought i had to end it. suffice it to say, i allowed some insecurities to get the better of me and allowed the opinions of others sway me.

my heart says to let her know all the reasons why our relationship ended...and let her know how much i still care for her. my head says i'm being stupid...and that even if she has something lingering for me, i should not indulge it and just let it die in both of us so she can move on.

i listened to my head when we broke up. and to this day, i wish i had listened to my heart.

i don't know...i don't know...

[Biciclista]

What she said x's two!

To the OP... I guess I'm wondering how old you are. In my early 20's... when something like this happened to me... I ran with it. Got swept up in love... and didn't really care about the consequences of how it would affect those around me.

Now, in my 30's... I wouldn't think of such a thing. Love DOES NOT conquer all. It's not a cure-all for any issues or troubles you may have. And I know... from past experiences... if I broke up with someone before... those reasons remain, even if it's years later. I just have forgotten that bad stuff as time has made my memory hazy.

The best thing you can do for her... is to let her go. Don't be nice. Don't give her a thread of hope. Don't talk to her and profess your love. MOVE ON. You screwed up in the past. Don't ruin her future because YOU made a mistake in the past.

The girl is ENGAGED. She fell in love with someone and they have decided to get married. Let her get married in peace without you hanging around going "but I love you!".

Obviously this girl can be dragged back into your tangeled web (based on the message she left you- and she was crying)... and if you give her one glimmer of hope, she will probably ruin what she has with her fiance.

Finally... even though you don't know the other guy... you need to be respectful. Just like no woman should chase after a taken man... no man should chase after a taken woman. You had your shot. It's over. Move on and find someone new.

+++ well said!

[celerystalksme]

What she said x's two!

To the OP... I guess I'm wondering how old you are. In my early 20's... when something like this happened to me... I ran with it. Got swept up in love... and didn't really care about the consequences of how it would affect those around me.

Now, in my 30's... I wouldn't think of such a thing. Love DOES NOT conquer all. It's not a cure-all for any issues or troubles you may have. And I know... from past experiences... if I broke up with someone before... those reasons remain, even if it's years later. I just have forgotten that bad stuff as time has made my memory hazy.

The best thing you can do for her... is to let her go. Don't be nice. Don't give her a thread of hope. Don't talk to her and profess your love. MOVE ON. You screwed up in the past. Don't ruin her future because YOU made a mistake in the past.

The girl is ENGAGED. She fell in love with someone and they have decided to get married. Let her get married in peace without you hanging around going "but I love you!".

Obviously this girl can be dragged back into your tangeled web (based on the message she left you- and she was crying)... and if you give her one glimmer of hope, she will probably ruin what she has with her fiance.

Finally... even though you don't know the other guy... you need to be respectful. Just like no woman should chase after a taken man... no man should chase after a taken woman. You had your shot. It's over. Move on and find someone new.

i'm 32...and i'm definitely not 'running with it'. i'm very much struggling with what to do. i'm very aware of how things could potentially affect many many people...my ex, her fiance, their friends and family...potentially. and me as well, though i'm less concerned about me getting hurt.

i guess though that i feel like i'm the one that's been given a thread of hope. and also...the reasons for the breakup were dumb, so dumb...and nothing to do with our actual relationship, or shouldn't have...

my stomach is a knot at work right now...

[Biciclista]

yeah, i'll bet. good luck with that.
you were given a lot of wise counsel here. Good luck, and keep us posted.

[ginny]

I fairly recently had my heart completely broken. My husband just decided he didn't want to be married anymore and wouldn't talk about it... I was devastated. Part of me still is. Though, I did move on. I'm happy now. Unfortunately, I speak with him from time to time - unfortunately in that it refractures my heart to speak with him. I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone. I probably won't ever love anyone with such reckless abandon again. I too wish him the best and only want him to be happy and successful in his life. I have thought to myself: what if he changes his mind as some point and decides he wants to get back together? My answer is a resounding no. I can't open myself up to that kind of hurt any time I hear his voice.

So, my advice from the 'other side', go ahead and call her. Apologize if you like. But be careful with her. She has made a great effort to move on and be happy. Don't wreck that for her. Even if everything could maybe... maybe be great again, respect her very difficult road she has walked in trying to put her life back together. Good luck with a tough situation.