parenting dilemma

[Biciclista]

I'd be wondering whether I might change her desire to be a boy, not out of discomfort with what anybody else thinks, but because I'd like her to accept her gender and have the most access to positive choices in her life.

It's easy to accept the idea, "I am a girl," because it is simple and true. It is harder to accept the statement, "I am a girl who wants to be a boy," or "I am a woman who wants to be a man," because both of these involve painful contradictions.

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Kathy biker, I wonder if you have had children. You can't CHANGE their desires.
Not to be boys or girls or wear the color green. You can change their behavior, to a degree, but their desires? please, don't make me laugh!
I raised two sons and one liked to dress like a dandy and the other didn't care. There was nothing I could do to change that, not all the cajoling in the world.
When I was a little girl, in the worst way I wanted high top boys's sneakers. I saw a picture in a book of a little girl wearing them. I didn't get a pair of my own until i was 30. And I probably DID want to be a boy somewhere back there when I was little and the boys were throwing rocks at me and the girls were playing dumb games. And no one CHANGED my desires, I grew out of them.
If the kid wants to wear a suit, she'll look cool and cute and dressy, and she might never want to again, or she will.
One of the best things about being a girl is that it is acceptable for girls to wear boy's clothes AND girl's clothes.

[kathybiker]

Kathy biker, I wonder if you have had children. You can't CHANGE their desires.
Not to be boys or girls or wear the color green. You can change their behavior, to a degree, but their desires? please, don't make me laugh!

Your sarcasm is not one of your admirable traits.

If my little girl seriously wanted to be a boy, yes, I as a parent would wonder whether I could change that desire. My focus would be on on getting me to be different.

I would ask myself whether her desire was growing out of a lack of support on my part. Perhaps if this was so, and I was more there for her, she would change her desire to be a gender which she is not.

As I said in my original post, I see nothing wrong with a girl being a tomboy.

[Presto]

Do you stand by your child and face the world together?

Or do push her behind your back (turn your back on her), and face the world for her?

You see that she is old enough to choose her own clothes for her own graduation, and that she is happy with her choice. Where do you stand?

[hipmama]

I go along with letting her wear it.
With my daughter, when I know she's headed for a situation where she may face some social backlash, we talk about it beforehand so that she's prepared with some answers. We do this because defending herself is something that my daughter likes to do, but not on the spot. So, if this were happening in my house, she'd pick out the outfit and after getting excited with her about the ceremony and the nice new outfit, I'd ask her if she ever gets comments from kids at school about how she doesn't wear the same kinds of clothes that a lot of the other girls seem to like. I'd go from there. If she said that she did get comments, I'd ask her how she responds, or if there's something she'd like to say but hasn't, and then help her find an easy way to say what she wants to say that doesn't use too many words or start an argument. She might be young enough now that it goes over a lot of heads, but maybe not. Either way, your non-judgmental support is probably going to be really important to her in both the respect you give her in her own choices and personality, and as a buffer to those who ridicule. Thanks for letting her choose!

[Iris616]

Thanks every one for the opinions. She is going to wear what she wants...the pants suit with a vest and tie. I will smile and be proud of her.

Funny, questioning her sexuality (or gender identity) didn't really enter into my mind. I don't think she sees it as a sexuality issue at all. If the time comes in her life that she is evaluating those things, we'll support her and love her for who she is.

I had a great conversation with the TA in the room, to get a feel for how things might go. She told me not to worry. My DD is actually quite well liked in her class and the school in general, and she thinks it has a lot to do with that she palys with both boys/girls equally. She said that through out the entire year of DD wearing only "boy clothes" none of the kids (or parents) have cared or commented, so she saw no reason to think it might be different at graduation.

I have mentioned to her occasionally, that if she ever chooses to try on something from the girls department, I would be okay with that. She says, "okay, but not today."

[ClockworkOrange]

She is going to wear what she wants...the pants suit with a vest and tie. I will smile and be proud of her.

What a fascinating thread.

I was a tomboy and even these days, am happier in jeans and a T-shirt, of course I enjoy getting glammed up now and again but for comfort, the tomboy look suits me fine.

For what it is worth, I feel you have made the right decison for your little girl, good luck on Friday for both of you.

Clock