parenting dilemma

[Tuckervill]

Veronica, I was thinking about the same person! Katherine Hepburn!

Karen

[Tuckervill]

I re-read the OP and I was reminded that my youngest son was very into a sarong when he was 6, 7, 8. I brought it back from the Caribbean for him. He wanted to know what it was, so we googled and I showed him pictures of men in Africa and other places wearing sarongs. Since he liked to be naked a lot at that age, and sometimes it just wasn't a good time, the sarong did the job. He would have friends over and be wearing nothing but the sarong. He also wore it over his swim trunks to the pool.

I did have to warn his older brothers (teenagers, then) not to say a word about it being a skirt. He still has the sarong in his drawer, but I doubt he ever gives it a second thought.

Karen

[sfa]

I say let her wear it. Trying to convince her to wear something else now that she's picked it out and seems to love her choice will likely crush her more than anything her peers might say. She values your opinion much more than anyone else's

The adults won't say anything to her that is negative. They may whisper behind her back and make sure YOU hear it (you know the type of parent I'm talking about), but they won't say anything to her face that she would perceive as negative.

The kids in her class may say something. Most likely that will be "why are you wearing a boy's suit?" to which she should have a ready answer ("because I like it"). I'd think the vast majority are just going to be curious--kindergarten kids of course understand gender differences (and all kinds of other differences) but are also remarkably open minded and accepting. The only exception will be those kids whose minds have been poisoned by close minded parents. I suspect that if there are kids in your daughter's class like that, she's already told you about them and is already used to dealing with them, so she may want to prepare an answer for them too. By the same token, they already know her and know that she's not a frilly dressy girl, so in all likelihood it won't be an issue. If this were her first day of school I might be more hesitant about it.

And the most likely scenario is that the adults in the school will think she's the most adorable thing they've ever seen--it's refreshing to see a kid who is just herself and doesn't care what other people think of her when the rest of the school is dressing up like Hannah Montana.

Good luck!

Sarah

[indysteel]

I totally agree with sfa. Your opinion matters more to her than her classmates' and their parents' opinion. How you react to anyone's negative comments--if any--might provide you with an opportunity to show her how to shrug such things off

When I was about your daughter's age, I wore nothing other than a cowboy outfit. Everywhere. My mom never made an issue of it, and I eventually grew out of it. If anyone teased me, I don't remember it.

[Crankin]

When I was five I spent a lot of time marching around in an army uniform, playing soldier with any neighborhood boy I cold find. But, as far as I know, no one thought it was weird, even in 1958. My older son had an anatomically correct boy doll that he played with for years. We didn't make a big deal out of it and eventually, when he was 7 or so, he lost interest. He slept with his teddy bear until he went to college, at almost 19.
I agree that most kindergardeners are very curious and may ask questions, but, more likely the parents will be the ones that could say stuff. I was always amazed at the things some parents would say to me about *other* kids when they were at a parent teacher conference, supposedly about their child.

[Duck on Wheels]

I say let her wear the suit! Women do wear pant suits, ya know, and at age 6 the cut isn't going to differentiate between a girl's figure and a boy's. Do you happen to own a nice pant suit yourself that you could wear that day? Or some nice slacks and a blouse? I'm planning on wearing linen slacks and a blouse to my 60th birthday party. I haven't been very specific as to attire in the invitations and decided that my bell-bottom linen slacks and a top would be drapy enough not to make any dress wearers uncomfortable and at the same time would keep company with any pants wearers amongst the women. Also, I happen to like them and like how they look on me. A friend of mine, when preparing for her dissertation defense, was instructed to wear "a tuxedo or the equivalent" (unisex instructions based on decades of almost only men taking PhDs). She went with the tux, a tight-waisted one that fit her figure. Very stylish! See? Even grown-up women wear pants at dress-up occasions sometimes.

[newfsmith]

I say let her wear the suit. You already made the decision when you let her go into the boys' department and choose it. To not let her wear it would undermine her confidence in your support. If there is flack, which I highly doubt, then you can let her know that you believe in her and think she looks very cute in the outfit she picked out.

Now for a slight hijack of the thread.

A friend of mine, when preparing for her dissertation defense, was instructed to wear "a tuxedo or the equivalent" (unisex instructions based on decades of almost only men taking PhDs). She went with the tux, a tight-waisted one that fit her figure... .

Where did your friend defend her thesis? When my husband went to his thesis defense (U. of Wis-Madison) he did wear a tie, but no coat. In fact, none of the profs wore jackets. Was that just because it was the late 60's, or a funky department (zoology), or a Land Grant school?

[kathybiker]

There are really two issues here.

One is the way your daughter will dress at the kindergarten graduation, and whether you might spare her from ridicule related to wearing a boy's suit and tie.

If you let her wear it, you'll likely be able to cope with any related problems. By itself, this is a minor issue.

The more important question is your daughter's relationship with you and identity as a girl. We don't know the specifics, and certainly they're part of your private life and not our business.

If I were in your position, I'd be wondering whether my girl is simply a tomboy or whether she actually wants to be a boy. In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with being a tomboy.

But if my daughter really wanted to be a boy, I'd question whether I was giving her an admirable and loving role model. I'd look at my closeness or lack of closeness to my daughter, and find ways I might give her more support.

I'd be wondering whether I might change her desire to be a boy, not out of discomfort with what anybody else thinks, but because I'd like her to accept her gender and have the most access to positive choices in her life.

It's easy to accept the idea, "I am a girl," because it is simple and true. It is harder to accept the statement, "I am a girl who wants to be a boy," or "I am a woman who wants to be a man," because both of these involve painful contradictions.

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[Biciclista]

I'd be wondering whether I might change her desire to be a boy, not out of discomfort with what anybody else thinks, but because I'd like her to accept her gender and have the most access to positive choices in her life.

It's easy to accept the idea, "I am a girl," because it is simple and true. It is harder to accept the statement, "I am a girl who wants to be a boy," or "I am a woman who wants to be a man," because both of these involve painful contradictions.

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Kathy biker, I wonder if you have had children. You can't CHANGE their desires.
Not to be boys or girls or wear the color green. You can change their behavior, to a degree, but their desires? please, don't make me laugh!
I raised two sons and one liked to dress like a dandy and the other didn't care. There was nothing I could do to change that, not all the cajoling in the world.
When I was a little girl, in the worst way I wanted high top boys's sneakers. I saw a picture in a book of a little girl wearing them. I didn't get a pair of my own until i was 30. And I probably DID want to be a boy somewhere back there when I was little and the boys were throwing rocks at me and the girls were playing dumb games. And no one CHANGED my desires, I grew out of them.
If the kid wants to wear a suit, she'll look cool and cute and dressy, and she might never want to again, or she will.
One of the best things about being a girl is that it is acceptable for girls to wear boy's clothes AND girl's clothes.

[Karma007]

I was lucky Sidney didn't wear the rain boots she had insited on wearing all spring, and the furry backpack she wore as her 'stole' (back when 101 Dalmations was so very popular).

And honestly, she wanted to genuinely BE a dog at one point. I would have felt lucky if she had wanted to be a boy! No worries, she is a fairly well adjusted 15 year old now, who loves boys and reptiles.