Boyfriend and Baby help needed ::kinda long::

[newfsmith]

I suggest pre-marital counseling also, so you can explore other areas of gender roles in marriage as well. While raising kids is important, it is not the only function of marriage, in some marriages there are no kids. That doesn't mean there isn't love and bonding, or arguing, in those marriages.

My husband slept through our kids middle of the night stirrings. Since I was nursing I was still going to have to get up. On the other hand, as soon as he got off the train, he gave the kids supper so I could go out to run. He was also the main one for bedding down and bathing the kids. My son, is Mr. Diaper man, my DIL didn't change diapers until he went back to work at the end of the 2 week vacation he took when grandson was born. Now at 7 months, she nurses then hands the baby over to my son. The simple truth is that infants under about 12 months require about 36 hours of care a day. Some kind of plan has to be worked out.

You have to keep in mind that many new fathers are terrified, because for the first time in their lives (usually) they are the sole support of 2 or 3 other people. Even if Mom goes back to work in 3 months, that is still scary. Society tends to glorify mother and baby, but forget fathers, so they don't have clear role models. Even if their own father was the stay-at-home Dad, they can't remember what that was like in infancy.

Becoming a couple requires lots of adjustments, becoming parents requires adjusting the adjustments, so talk a lot and listen a lot.

[Biciclista]

The simple truth is that infants under about 12 months require about 36 hours of care a day. Some kind of plan has to be worked out.
.

and then there's Octomom....

[sfa]

I don't think anyone is really prepared and perfectly planned for having a baby until maybe baby 4 or 5 (and even then you can expect some surprises). Until then, both parents are kind of winging it as best they can. And a baby will make it pretty clear that no one gets out of baby duty at any time of the day. The plans that you make for division of labor before having a baby generally get tossed out the window by day 2 and then you divide labor up by what works best for all of your for the baby you get (which is going to be different than the next baby you get, and they are all going to be different than the imaginary baby you planned for).

Which is not to say that premarital counselling isn't needed--I think everyone can benefit from that so they can have some sort of formal conversation about the big issues in marriage (one DH and I never thought about before premarital counselling was how to handle family holidays--whose traditions, whose house, etc. Five years of dating and we never talked about that!). All I'm saying is that when DH and I agreed beforehand that I didn't mind dealing with poopy diapers as long as he knew that I would always expect him to clean up vomit because I couldn't bear to, well, we did that not knowing that baby #1 would have reflux and would throw up all the time and baby #2 would be disabled and still not potty trained at age 8. So now I clean up vomit and he changes poopy diapers and we've all learned to deal.

Sarah

[Tuckervill]

I think you should ask him to please keep an open mind about what is going to happen and how it is all going to work, and that children require a willing flexibility and enormous patience.

The other thing I want to say is, "Don't borrow trouble." There's no need to panic about an off-handed comment in a casual conversation about a topic that is all theory for you at this point. You need some more information before you can draw any conclusions about how it will be.

Karen