Some serious thoughts on "Not Rape"

[ZenSojourner]

I was shocked to discover one day that not a single female friend of mine had not at one point or another confessed to me at least one incident of sexual assault or rape.

NOT ONE.

Any woman I know long enough eventually has a story to tell. Whenever I get a fresh batch of friends, I just assume that sooner or later, they'll get around to telling me.

[Crankin]

Well, I have never been assaulted or raped and believe me, I did not lead a sheltered life... I hung out on the Boston Common at age 14 with all sorts of weirdos and hippies and did various other stupid things.
The 15 year son of one of my friend's friends was jumped last week, walking home, in Jamaica Plain (a section of Boston that is fairly residential). He was knifed in 2 places because he refused to buy weed. He said the only thing that saved him is that he is trained in martial arts and threw the guys down, after they had stabbed him.
He said otherwise he would be dead.

[Irulan]

I think the article misses the point of greater social ills that lead to many ( not all) off the situations presented. Where are the parents? Where is the rage at the absence of parents? All I got out of it was "victim, helpless, victim, victim"... which is some cases is totally appropriate, but I think missing the bigger point.

Young girls seeking out attention from older boys/men is typical documented behavior in reaction to father abandonment. No 11 year old girl raised in an emotionally healthy environment is going to need an older boy friend. Many of the situations presented are typical in dysfunctional, latch key, unsupervised environments. Some parents are physically present, but preoccupied, or even support things like attention from older men, enhanced sexuality for young girls etc.

I'd like to see the rage at a culture that makes it OK for parents to have a "me first" attitude, rage at a culture that sexualizes young girls, rage at parental abandonment etc.

I'm not going to go into my backstory, let's just say been there, done that and supporting the concept of being victimized is short sighted.

[SadieKate]

I don't think that article was intended to be all encompassing. I certainly didn't think it conveyed anyone as "victim, helpless, victim, victim." It conveyed very strongly that women and girls need to be aware and think on their feet -- and that society needs to teach men to respect women.

The article struck a chord with me because the writer talks about behavior that our society tends to sweep under the rug. I certainly was not seeking out the attention of older men and boys, yet I was a victim any way. We were crossing paths in a school yard during a school day, for goodness sake - where one wouldn't expect to be assaulted and certainly not at that age. I'm sure that the school authorities would have brushed aside any complaint from me about the 5th grader grabbing my breast. They might have admonished him, but I bet I've have been told "boys will be boys."

If you want the article to be all encompassing and an analysis of society's ills, it would need to be a book - and the writer's intended audience would not read it. I believe the writer wants young girls to think about their own safety and behavior in the middle ground that is so rarely discussed, and that won't happen without a short article about her own emotional turmoil speaking directly to the most at-risk audience. Will she cause one young girl to think twice? If so, it doesn't matter what us soon-to-be 50 years think of the article.

[bikerz]

I was shocked to discover one day that not a single female friend of mine had not at one point or another confessed to me at least one incident of sexual assault or rape.

NOT ONE.

Any woman I know long enough eventually has a story to tell. Whenever I get a fresh batch of friends, I just assume that sooner or later, they'll get around to telling me.

ZenSojourner, this has been my experience too.

My only quibble with the essay was calling it "not rape". I understand the literary device, but calling this "not-anything" reduces its impact.

What that essay made so clear was along the entire spectrum of violence by men against women and girls, from sexual assault and molestation to "clear-cut" violent gang rape, the victim is considered if not at fault, then at least in some way complicit: "she smoked pot, her grades weren't good, she was in the wrong part of town, she hung out with older boys, look at the way she dressed, the way she acted, the way she said no when she meant yes" etc. ad nauseum.

No - the real problem is that she was (we are) female in a world that objectifies women, sexualizes little girls, and glorifies male violence and domination.

The only way I can see that this can change is by demanding of the men and boys in our lives that they treat the women and girls in their lives as human beings with agency over their own lives and bodies. And in the meantime, because that kind of change (revolution?) takes time, as the essay's author says, we have to protect and support the women and girls in our lives.

SadieKate, thanks for posting this essay.

[Kalidurga]

No - the real problem is that she was (we are) female in a world that ... sexualizes little girls...

The only way I can see that this can change is by demanding of the men and boys in our lives that they treat the women and girls in their lives as human beings with agency over their own lives and bodies.

I think it also takes educating some of the grown women out there. My 13 yr old niece's mother recently sent my parents and I some photos that they'd had taken in the mall. They were stereotypical glamour shots and I was amazed at how sexy and 'come hither' my niece had been made to look. Her mother apparently loved these photos and didn't see anything inappropriate about them. She thought they were "fun". So I just sent her the link to this essay and asked that she read it and discuss it with my niece. I want my niece to grow up to be a smart, aware woman who knows how to avoid such situations, but I'm afraid her closest female role models are a tad lacking.

[Duck on Wheels]

...My only quibble with the essay was calling it "not rape". I understand the literary device, but calling this "not-anything" reduces its impact.

What that essay made so clear was along the entire spectrum of violence by men against women and girls, from sexual assault and molestation to "clear-cut" violent gang rape, the victim is considered if not at fault, then at least in some way complicit: "she smoked pot, her grades weren't good, she was in the wrong part of town, she hung out with older boys, look at the way she dressed, the way she acted, the way she said no when she meant yes" etc. ad nauseum

Yeah! And this is not just a wimpy literary device. It's also a legal reality, I think even to this day although the laws have in many places been changed. Back when I was kidnapped and attempted raped, 42 years ago, the guy made it very clear to me what would happen if I reported it: I would have to appear in court in the clothes I'd been wearing (miniskirt, Mexican blouse, sandals, long hippy hair). I would be questioned about all my sexual experiences (at that point I was still a virgin, but even "making out" would be portrayed as a sign of loose morals). And he would get off scot free. He was sure of it because he'd gotten off before. HIS prior experiences (including a rape accusation that had gone to trial!) would NOT be admissible since it was a juvenile case and the records were sealed. I believed him. I managed to "forget" most of the event until 25 years later when I had nightmares and finally decided I needed to let one run its course so I could remember how I'd managed to get loose. That worked. So yes I agree that:

... the real problem is that she was (we are) female in a world that objectifies women, sexualizes little girls, and glorifies male violence and domination.

The only way I can see that this can change is by demanding of the men and boys in our lives that they treat the women and girls in their lives as human beings with agency over their own lives and bodies. And in the meantime, because that kind of change (revolution?) takes time, as the essay's author says, we have to protect and support the women and girls in our lives.

SadieKate, thanks for posting this essay.

[Trek420]

The only way I can see that this can change is by demanding of the men and boys in our lives that they treat the women and girls in their lives as human beings with agency over their own lives and bodies. And in the meantime, because that kind of change (revolution?) takes time, as the essay's author says, we have to protect and support the women and girls in our lives.

I feel we need like-minded supportive men as allies to be the examples of treating women well, to show this day by day and mentor younger men, boys. We need young men and boys to see that you can be a man and not abuse women.

Fact is I feel it's the only way to truly be a man.

My Dad taught us in many ways, most of all the way he interacted with my Mom (also Duck's mutual parents) that real men don't abuse women and girls (or other men and boys). It's not enough to hear that from us.

Of course the abused of any class or group are going to say "stop doing that to us !" and we can and will win this fight on our own.

It is more meaningful if men stand with us, be counted and say "this stops here, this stops with me". While the best place for them to do that is at home we also need men of quality to act as mentors to kids who do not have a man at home or have had issues with their Dad in the past.

Sexual abuse often begins at home and is generational. The abuser saw his dad abuse his mom, his dad saw his and so on. That is not to say that everyone abused as a child grow up to repeat it, but not all have the strength to say "it stops here". If young men and boys see abuse at home they may be more likely lash out at a later date in any relationship.

Where is my bumper sticker that says "men of quality support women's equality"

[Triskeliongirl]

The only objection I have to the article is that *sometimes it is rape* and when it is we are not always prepared for how to deal with it either.

[Dianyla]

Thank you for posting this, SK.

[andtckrtoo]

I was just watching CBS this morning and they had a segment on about Mike Tyson and the new film out about him. I was reminded of this thread when the commentary said, "Yes, he abused women, but he really was a tragic figure."
It was as if the commentator was saying that it was okay that Tyson abused women because he had such a tragic life.

With those kinds of attitudes being broadcast on a show like CBS News Sunday Morning its no wonder this kind of abuse is so prevalent. It's sickening, really.

[OakLeaf]

Thanks for the post, SK.

Do you think a teenager could appreciate it? It seems more directed at adult women who've already had (at least) three or four of these experiences AND the time and maturity to process them. I have a 16 year old niece...

[Trek420]

I was just watching CBS this morning and they had a segment on about Mike Tyson and the new film out about him. I was reminded of this thread when the commentary said, "Yes, he abused women, but he really was a tragic figure."
It was as if the commentator was saying that it was okay that Tyson abused women because he had such a tragic life.

There are a lot of people who have tragic lives, even more so than Tyson's and overcome, recover and have functioning relationships and are good parents so on. I'm sure there are examples in pro sports. Media should feature them and the people who helped them and spend less time excusing an abuser. Media should spend some time on those who overcome tremendous odds to become good parents.

Since this is a cycling discussion board maybe they could have a spot on folks who "rode their bike and found solace from a tragic childhood".

"I had an unhappy childhood" is never an excuse for violence. If someone is attacking me in any way I really don't want to know or care about your unhappy childhood I just want the violence to stop.