Getting married- ? do I change my name

[Aggie_Ama]

Question to those who say that they think/know that it means a lot to their husband/bf that their wife/(to-be) change their name:

Why do you think that it?

It's not a rhetorical question, I'm curious.

We had a lengthy discussion in pre-marital counseling about it. We actually laid out on the table how both of us would feel about me not changing my name, hyphenating, taking his name or him taking mine. That is why I know exactly what he thought about it.

[tulip]

We had a lengthy discussion in pre-marital counseling about it. We actually laid out on the table how both of us would feel about me not changing my name, hyphenating, taking his name or him taking mine. That is why I know exactly what he thought about it.

Counseling is a great thing--kudos to you and your husband for doing that. I (we) could have benefited from it before getting married.

[Aggie_Ama]

Counseling is a great thing--kudos to you and your husband for doing that. I (we) could have benefited from it before getting married.

Well to get married in the 107 year old church I had my heart set on from the time I was 8 it was required but it was a very good experience for both of us.

Grog- I really think my husband views us as a team and I do as well. I see us as "Team X (our last name)". Neither of us are very old fashioned, I pay all the bills, in a lot of ways I would say I make decisions but for us having the same last name was kind of a unity thing. I think it was more my view of how marriage was and he also felt that way. When he got a bonus from work last year I told him "spend it on yourself, it is your bonus". He corrected me "When we got married nothing was mine anymore, it is our bonus if you want me to spend it all on a mountain bike I will but it is your bonus too". We came in with that attitude and for us personally having the same name was a way to be united. But even though he thinks of what is his is mine he is very stubborn and independent in his thinking.

But I am still very independent and if I had decided not change my name it wouldn't have been a deal breaker. I think that was the important thing for me. It was always my decision, my husband was happy I did but he would have married me if I didn't.

[SheFly]

Grog- I really think my husband views us as a team and I do as well. I see us as "Team X (our last name)". Neither of us are very old fashioned, I pay all the bills, in a lot of ways I would say I make decisions but for us having the same last name was kind of a unity thing. I think it was more my view of how marriage was and he also felt that way. When he got a bonus from work last year I told him "spend it on yourself, it is your bonus". He corrected me "When we got married nothing was mine anymore, it is our bonus if you want me to spend it all on a mountain bike I will but it is your bonus too". We came in with that attitude and for us personally having the same name was a way to be united. But even though he thinks of what is his is mine he is very stubborn and independent in his thinking.

I have a similar "happy" story to Aggie - DH and I are a team, and partners. Having the same last name is part of both of our identities as part of that team. He is also something of a "traditionalist", brought up in rural New England, so to him, it was just what was supposed to happen. At the time, we were also planning a family, and all of us having the same last name was very important to him (having children didn't work out for us, but we are still a family!).

For us, what's his is ours and what's mine is ours. We also only have one bank account - joint. After my first marriage, this was also something I swore against, but it makes sense and works for us.

Our cycling friends often refer to us as "Team DH's last name" which I like - we are indeed a true team, and this is what makes BOTH of us happy about having the same last name.

SheFly

p.s.
Unlike Aggie, I think it would have been a deal breaker for us if I hadn't changed my name. We would have just continued living together as a couple, and not gotten married.

[Aint Doody]

Third marriage. Changed my name all 3 times. Not a big deal. And where I grew up, we all used our maiden name as our middle name after marrying. The middle name just sorta disappeared.

[anakiwa]

Thanks for all your great responses!

In a lot of ways it kind of comes down to the fact that I want both- I want to keep my name and I want to take his (and when I say I want to keep mine, I mean as a last name).

As for the middle name idea- my current middle name is my mother's maiden (or birth name)- so it's not an easy one for me to drop. If I take his name, I'll become first name-mothers birth name- my birth name- his last name. Kind of a pain, but I don't want to pick one parent's name to drop either.

As to which name is more appealing- I like both options.

My fiance will support whichever decision I make (though I'm sure he'd be thrilled if I take his name).

Professionally, it will be confusing. I'm a physician- so there are a ton of people who may get confused (and I don't envy our front office staff who'll have to add an extra line to reminder calls etc for some time). But I've practiced in the same place for more than 5 years- people know me and they'll figure it out (and the fact that I've been wearing an engagement ring since October will probably help ease the confusion).

One part of me would like to consider keeping one name professionally and taking the other for my personal life- but I hesitate because I suspect it will only lead to a lifetime of confusion.

I suppose I just need to think of it as having 2 nice options- instead of what I don't get

[Tuckervill]

Everyone who said they like the "team" or family having the same name, my question is, why does it have to be "his" name?

Karen

[Mr. Bloom]

I'm a physician

One part of me would like to consider keeping one name professionally and taking the other for my personal life- but I hesitate because I suspect it will only lead to a lifetime of confusion.

I suppose I just need to think of it as having 2 nice options- instead of what I don't get

Well, with your fiance's understanding and flexibility, you do have options.

If there was ever a case for keeping your current name, you've hit it with your profession and all the complexity that goes into maintaining your license, etc

Silver's sister uses her "birth name" professionally and marriage name personally...I don't think they find it confusing.

Best wishes in the marriage!

[mayanorange]

One part of me would like to consider keeping one name professionally and taking the other for my personal life- but I hesitate because I suspect it will only lead to a lifetime of confusion.

I know many women in academia and medicine who do this. Privately, they use their husband's name and the kids do too, but at work, they're still Dr. Birthname. As long as you're consistent, it works.

I took my hubby's name after much consideration. I like my birth name- it's extremely rare and it's, well me... but DH's family name is also extremely rare, so we're saving a name either way. I would have done the 2 last name thing, but it's waaay too long and weird. And I have some nephews to carry on my family's name. So I'm Gwenn middlename DHname legally, but scientifically and some other times, Gwenn E.C. DHname or the long version of Gwenn birthname DHname. It's still me whichever way.

The only really weird thing was the first 6-8 mos getting used to answering the phone with a different name. Writing it was fine, but saying it took a lot of getting used to.

[msincredible]

I didn't change my name for the first marriage, which turned out to be a good thing.

I was a bit hesitant to change my name for the second (current) marriage because I have publications, etc. in my name. However, there were three reasons I decided to do so:
- he preferred it
- we are planning a family
- my first initial/last name makes an unfortunate combination when used for work login accounts, would be nice to not have that anymore

I'm starting the process now, we were married 4 months ago but we were also in the process of buying a house, wasn't a good time to mess around with paperwork and legal records.

I'm keeping my original middle name, but for work purposes I will probably include my "birth name" (like that term) on business cards, etc.

[Grog]

We had a lengthy discussion in pre-marital counseling about it. We actually laid out on the table how both of us would feel about me not changing my name, hyphenating, taking his name or him taking mine. That is why I know exactly what he thought about it.

Sorry, I think I wrote too fast. I meant: what exactly would/does make him happy about it? (Not why you know it would make him happy.)