Getting married- ? do I change my name

[Aggie_Ama]

Counseling is a great thing--kudos to you and your husband for doing that. I (we) could have benefited from it before getting married.

Well to get married in the 107 year old church I had my heart set on from the time I was 8 it was required but it was a very good experience for both of us.

Grog- I really think my husband views us as a team and I do as well. I see us as "Team X (our last name)". Neither of us are very old fashioned, I pay all the bills, in a lot of ways I would say I make decisions but for us having the same last name was kind of a unity thing. I think it was more my view of how marriage was and he also felt that way. When he got a bonus from work last year I told him "spend it on yourself, it is your bonus". He corrected me "When we got married nothing was mine anymore, it is our bonus if you want me to spend it all on a mountain bike I will but it is your bonus too". We came in with that attitude and for us personally having the same name was a way to be united. But even though he thinks of what is his is mine he is very stubborn and independent in his thinking.

But I am still very independent and if I had decided not change my name it wouldn't have been a deal breaker. I think that was the important thing for me. It was always my decision, my husband was happy I did but he would have married me if I didn't.

[SheFly]

Grog- I really think my husband views us as a team and I do as well. I see us as "Team X (our last name)". Neither of us are very old fashioned, I pay all the bills, in a lot of ways I would say I make decisions but for us having the same last name was kind of a unity thing. I think it was more my view of how marriage was and he also felt that way. When he got a bonus from work last year I told him "spend it on yourself, it is your bonus". He corrected me "When we got married nothing was mine anymore, it is our bonus if you want me to spend it all on a mountain bike I will but it is your bonus too". We came in with that attitude and for us personally having the same name was a way to be united. But even though he thinks of what is his is mine he is very stubborn and independent in his thinking.

I have a similar "happy" story to Aggie - DH and I are a team, and partners. Having the same last name is part of both of our identities as part of that team. He is also something of a "traditionalist", brought up in rural New England, so to him, it was just what was supposed to happen. At the time, we were also planning a family, and all of us having the same last name was very important to him (having children didn't work out for us, but we are still a family!).

For us, what's his is ours and what's mine is ours. We also only have one bank account - joint. After my first marriage, this was also something I swore against, but it makes sense and works for us.

Our cycling friends often refer to us as "Team DH's last name" which I like - we are indeed a true team, and this is what makes BOTH of us happy about having the same last name.

SheFly

p.s.
Unlike Aggie, I think it would have been a deal breaker for us if I hadn't changed my name. We would have just continued living together as a couple, and not gotten married.

[Aint Doody]

Third marriage. Changed my name all 3 times. Not a big deal. And where I grew up, we all used our maiden name as our middle name after marrying. The middle name just sorta disappeared.

[anakiwa]

Thanks for all your great responses!

In a lot of ways it kind of comes down to the fact that I want both- I want to keep my name and I want to take his (and when I say I want to keep mine, I mean as a last name).

As for the middle name idea- my current middle name is my mother's maiden (or birth name)- so it's not an easy one for me to drop. If I take his name, I'll become first name-mothers birth name- my birth name- his last name. Kind of a pain, but I don't want to pick one parent's name to drop either.

As to which name is more appealing- I like both options.

My fiance will support whichever decision I make (though I'm sure he'd be thrilled if I take his name).

Professionally, it will be confusing. I'm a physician- so there are a ton of people who may get confused (and I don't envy our front office staff who'll have to add an extra line to reminder calls etc for some time). But I've practiced in the same place for more than 5 years- people know me and they'll figure it out (and the fact that I've been wearing an engagement ring since October will probably help ease the confusion).

One part of me would like to consider keeping one name professionally and taking the other for my personal life- but I hesitate because I suspect it will only lead to a lifetime of confusion.

I suppose I just need to think of it as having 2 nice options- instead of what I don't get

[Tuckervill]

Everyone who said they like the "team" or family having the same name, my question is, why does it have to be "his" name?

Karen

[msincredible]

Everyone who said they like the "team" or family having the same name, my question is, why does it have to be "his" name?

One thing to consider is that it is far easier for the woman to change her name than for the man, like it or not.

[Zen]

One thing to consider is that it is far easier for the woman to change her name than for the man, like it or not.

Huh?

Hundreds of years of tradition.

Tradition and marriage, heh. This could send us down a very slippery slope here...

I despise tradition.

[SheFly]

Everyone who said they like the "team" or family having the same name, my question is, why does it have to be "his" name?

Karen

Hundreds of years of tradition. At least for me. In some ways, I am very old fashioned. Plus, I like his better

SheFly

[Aggie_Ama]

Everyone who said they like the "team" or family having the same name, my question is, why does it have to be "his" name?

Karen

It was shorter. My birth name is 8 letters, his last name is 5 letters. His first name is extremely long, one of the longest you can give a man he should have one letter for his last name to help. I see nothing wrong with following tradition if it suits you and for me I wanted my husband's name. But as I said I chose to do it, no one told me it was required.

I actually asked him to take my name but he said he would rather me keep it if it meant that much but he wouldn't change his because he felt passionately about his name as well. He wouldn't make me change mine either. The one thing he hates hyphenated names so he asked that whatever I chose that I didn't hyphenate.

[newfsmith]

When we married 40 years ago, neither set of parents was thrilled with our choice of partner. I chose to go first name, birth surname, husband's surname. My husband added my birth surname as a middle name. He has consistently used that for drivers' license, bank accounts, IRA's, etc. For us, it was a way of saying that we were a separate family from either of our FOO's. Indeed, at the time we married, my MIL was encouraging me not to take Smith as my surname because it was so common. At the time, it felt like she was saying it would be easier for us to split, like everyone expected. Now, I realize that there are lots more important things to worry about. I didn't give myself my birth name, first or last, so my identity isn't too tied up there. I am who I am to the people in front of me, that I have worked with or played with. My name has very little to do with that.

[GLC1968]

Everyone who said they like the "team" or family having the same name, my question is, why does it have to be "his" name?

Karen

We felt (and still do) that the team idea was important to us. Oddly enough, it never even occurred to me to ask if he'd take my name when we got married. I was just so excited to get a name that was easier to pronounce/spell! Anyway, after reading this thread again, I just asked my H if he'd have taken my last name had I asked. 6 years later, his answer: sure, why not?

For us, it's just a name. My identity is defined by who I am and how I live...not by what people call me.

Honestly, nothing bristles me more than when people assume that I'm not a strong independent woman just because I took my husband's last name.

[kfergos]

We felt (and still do) that the team idea was important to us. Oddly enough, it never even occurred to me to ask if he'd take my name when we got married. I was just so excited to get a name that was easier to pronounce/spell! Anyway, after reading this thread again, I just asked my H if he'd have taken my last name had I asked. 6 years later, his answer: sure, why not?

For us, it's just a name. My identity is defined by who I am and how I live...not by what people call me.

Honestly, nothing bristles me more than when people assume that I'm not a strong independent woman just because I took my husband's last name.

Ditto.

[Mr. Bloom]

I'm a physician

One part of me would like to consider keeping one name professionally and taking the other for my personal life- but I hesitate because I suspect it will only lead to a lifetime of confusion.

I suppose I just need to think of it as having 2 nice options- instead of what I don't get

Well, with your fiance's understanding and flexibility, you do have options.

If there was ever a case for keeping your current name, you've hit it with your profession and all the complexity that goes into maintaining your license, etc

Silver's sister uses her "birth name" professionally and marriage name personally...I don't think they find it confusing.

Best wishes in the marriage!

[trinena]

i kept my last name - it is unusual-hard for most people to pronounce-and i always have to spell it out-but it's part of my cultural heritage and i love it. i dropped my middle name - which i hate - and replaced it with his last name.

my husband dropped his middle name and replaced it with my last name. no hyphens. we haven't done the official paperwork for the changes yet.

my pet peeve: in correspondence being addressed as MRS. his first name & last name. it makes me want to give a quickie women's studies class.

& we def. feel like we're a team.

[Grog]

i kept my last name - it is unusual-hard for most people to pronounce-and i always have to spell it out-but it's part of my cultural heritage and i love it. i dropped my middle name - which i hate - and replaced it with his last name.

That's quite cool. I wish I had thought about that.