Getting married- ? do I change my name

[Biciclista]

Actually, the standard French abbreviation is "née", meaning: 'born'; it is used to denote the birth name or family name for when (usually) a woman who is now married, decides to take her spouse's surname.

thanks MM, I did not know that!!

[MM_QFC!]

Hey Mimi - and I also remember the term: MCP!

[tulip]

Yes, my French passport, national ID card, and consulate card have both names: née and my (ex) husband's last name. I never changed my name when I was married many years ago, but I wanted to. My husband did not want me to change it. I longed for a "normal" name that I would not need to spell out. Plus, it seemed like we would be a team.

Of course, now it's easier to not have to change it back, but it's something that I wish I had pushed for. That and alot of other issues, too, for that matter.

[Grog]

Question to those who say that they think/know that it means a lot to their husband/bf that their wife/(to-be) change their name:

Why do you think that it?

It's not a rhetorical question, I'm curious.

[Aggie_Ama]

Question to those who say that they think/know that it means a lot to their husband/bf that their wife/(to-be) change their name:

Why do you think that it?

It's not a rhetorical question, I'm curious.

We had a lengthy discussion in pre-marital counseling about it. We actually laid out on the table how both of us would feel about me not changing my name, hyphenating, taking his name or him taking mine. That is why I know exactly what he thought about it.

[tulip]

We had a lengthy discussion in pre-marital counseling about it. We actually laid out on the table how both of us would feel about me not changing my name, hyphenating, taking his name or him taking mine. That is why I know exactly what he thought about it.

Counseling is a great thing--kudos to you and your husband for doing that. I (we) could have benefited from it before getting married.

[Aggie_Ama]

Counseling is a great thing--kudos to you and your husband for doing that. I (we) could have benefited from it before getting married.

Well to get married in the 107 year old church I had my heart set on from the time I was 8 it was required but it was a very good experience for both of us.

Grog- I really think my husband views us as a team and I do as well. I see us as "Team X (our last name)". Neither of us are very old fashioned, I pay all the bills, in a lot of ways I would say I make decisions but for us having the same last name was kind of a unity thing. I think it was more my view of how marriage was and he also felt that way. When he got a bonus from work last year I told him "spend it on yourself, it is your bonus". He corrected me "When we got married nothing was mine anymore, it is our bonus if you want me to spend it all on a mountain bike I will but it is your bonus too". We came in with that attitude and for us personally having the same name was a way to be united. But even though he thinks of what is his is mine he is very stubborn and independent in his thinking.

But I am still very independent and if I had decided not change my name it wouldn't have been a deal breaker. I think that was the important thing for me. It was always my decision, my husband was happy I did but he would have married me if I didn't.

[SheFly]

Grog- I really think my husband views us as a team and I do as well. I see us as "Team X (our last name)". Neither of us are very old fashioned, I pay all the bills, in a lot of ways I would say I make decisions but for us having the same last name was kind of a unity thing. I think it was more my view of how marriage was and he also felt that way. When he got a bonus from work last year I told him "spend it on yourself, it is your bonus". He corrected me "When we got married nothing was mine anymore, it is our bonus if you want me to spend it all on a mountain bike I will but it is your bonus too". We came in with that attitude and for us personally having the same name was a way to be united. But even though he thinks of what is his is mine he is very stubborn and independent in his thinking.

I have a similar "happy" story to Aggie - DH and I are a team, and partners. Having the same last name is part of both of our identities as part of that team. He is also something of a "traditionalist", brought up in rural New England, so to him, it was just what was supposed to happen. At the time, we were also planning a family, and all of us having the same last name was very important to him (having children didn't work out for us, but we are still a family!).

For us, what's his is ours and what's mine is ours. We also only have one bank account - joint. After my first marriage, this was also something I swore against, but it makes sense and works for us.

Our cycling friends often refer to us as "Team DH's last name" which I like - we are indeed a true team, and this is what makes BOTH of us happy about having the same last name.

SheFly

p.s.
Unlike Aggie, I think it would have been a deal breaker for us if I hadn't changed my name. We would have just continued living together as a couple, and not gotten married.

[msincredible]

I didn't change my name for the first marriage, which turned out to be a good thing.

I was a bit hesitant to change my name for the second (current) marriage because I have publications, etc. in my name. However, there were three reasons I decided to do so:
- he preferred it
- we are planning a family
- my first initial/last name makes an unfortunate combination when used for work login accounts, would be nice to not have that anymore

I'm starting the process now, we were married 4 months ago but we were also in the process of buying a house, wasn't a good time to mess around with paperwork and legal records.

I'm keeping my original middle name, but for work purposes I will probably include my "birth name" (like that term) on business cards, etc.

[Grog]

We had a lengthy discussion in pre-marital counseling about it. We actually laid out on the table how both of us would feel about me not changing my name, hyphenating, taking his name or him taking mine. That is why I know exactly what he thought about it.

Sorry, I think I wrote too fast. I meant: what exactly would/does make him happy about it? (Not why you know it would make him happy.)