Getting married- ? do I change my name

[anakiwa]

Looking for various thoughts on this.

I'm 35, getting married this June. When I was younger I generally thought I'd want to keep my name. Now it doesn't seem to matter as much (I know who I am whatever my name is right?) and it seems like a nice thing to take his name- kind of like just another part of the process. I've never been interested in hyphenating- and I like the idea of us having the same name. But all the same, there's a little piece of me that feels funny about it.

What do you all think? For anyone who has changed her name- how did it feel?

Thanks

[Biciclista]

Do you LIKE his name? Do you like your name? does his start with a higher letter in the alphabet? (A's win, Z's lose)
It's up to you.
If your name is Fern Green and you want to be Fern Montgomery; go for it.

You know? But if you're the last Abergrotty in a long line of Abergrottys and his name is Jones, keep your name.

And if he's ambivalent, that means it's up to you.

[Andrea]

I changed my name when I got married, then back when I got divorced. I never want to go through the change process again just based on the PITA factor.

[singletrackmind]

Doesn't feel any different to me. I thought I went to a much easier name but have to spell it just as often.

The hubby said he didn't care but he was so pleased I decided to go with his it made me glad I did.

[Iris616]

I didn't put much thought into this before I got married. I wish I had. It turns out that I miss my "Real" name. People often called me that as a nickname, and it was part of my identity.
To me, now that I've been married 7 years, it seems like perhaps it was the first step in losing some of my identity. I'm sure there are others who will disagree.

[kelownagirl]

Looking for various thoughts on this.

I'm 35, getting married this June. When I was younger I generally thought I'd want to keep my name. Now it doesn't seem to matter as much (I know who I am whatever my name is right?) and it seems like a nice thing to take his name- kind of like just another part of the process. I've never been interested in hyphenating- and I like the idea of us having the same name. But all the same, there's a little piece of me that feels funny about it.

What do you all think? For anyone who has changed her name- how did it feel?

Thanks

I agree with Mimi's thoughts. That being said, I changed my name both times. Second time was really tough b/c I have the same first name as his ex and she kept her married name. BUT I decided I deserved the name and I feel like it's truly mine now.

[Biciclista]

Iris, i know exactly what you mean. After a few years, I just started using my maiden name as my middle name so I didn't lose it completely.
And I thought that by going from an ethnic name to an English name, I would no longer have to spell it; but I was really really wrong. Since our name is two letters away from a really common name, when I say our name and spell it, no one can comprehend what I am saying and they still spell it wrong. It was easier having an Italian name where no one had preconceived notions about it.

[Zen]

I being the stalwart feminist here I can't help but think of the reason why this name change is the custom. That is, you are his property.

just my POV.

[sfa]

I kept my name when I got married. Partly it was practical--I had just finished my master's degree with my maiden name and was working on a PhD and didn't want it in a different name. Partly it was aesthetics--I just didn't much like his last name and it sounded almost comical when paired with "Doctor" as a title. But mostly it was because I identified so strongly with my family name and all of my ancestors who had this name.

DH said he didn't care one way or the other, but I think it would have made him a bit happy if I had changed my name. As it is now, I don't care--if someone calls me Mrs. Hislastname it doesn't matter to me, although that rarely happens. It hasn't created any confusion with kids (people warned me it would)--I have my last name and they have their father's last name and no one has ever questioned it.

It was important to me when I was 25 and getting married and working on degrees and trying to forge my own adult identity. Now, as you say, it just doesn't seem to matter that much--my identity isn't tied to a name but to who I am and what I do.

If it makes you happy to change it, then change it. If it makes you feel funny, then you can take the approach of changing your middle name to your maiden name and taking his name as your last name. It wouldn't be hyphenated, but it would still be a part of you.

I've been thinking recently that we need to go back to the medieval system of identifying ourselves by our first names and then what we do or who we're related to. But instead of being Sarah Marysdaughter or Sarah O'Richard or Sarah Writer (or whatever) I'd be "Sarah ClaireandConnorsMomYouKnowFromScouts."

[Biciclista]

Sfa, ha you're getting me off the topic, but we're starting to do that with our screen names. Mimitabby or Biciclista says a lot more about me than my real last name does.

[greycoral]

I changed mine so our kid(s) would have the same last name as us. He actually wanted me to keep my maiden name, but then later said he was happy I took his.

[sgtiger]

I kept mine because Dh insisted on it when we got married. Part of his reasoning was because it's not something that is done in my birth culture. I didn't really care too much one way or another. We did run into some hassles due to having different last names in the first few years of marriage, so I did consider changing it then. Dh told me if I did that, he would just take mine. (Sometimes he's willful and stubborn in the strangest ways.) Nowadays there isn't any issues with having different last names, so I'm glad I kept it. I don't mind if people refer to me as Mrs. Hislastname, though; and he's never corrected anyone who called him Mr. Mylastname either. And when we had our first child together, he wanted the kid to have both of our surnames. I decided to drop my last name when I filled out the birth certificate though. Our children's names are already very long with two middle names that the addition of my last name would have been over the top. As it is, their whole names do not fit on their social security cards.

IMHO it's a personal choice that you need to make with your intended.

P.S. I have friends who have taken each other's surnames without hyphenating. I don't know why but I like that better than using a hyphen.

[Triskeliongirl]

I didn't change my name, in part cuz I had already published a lot with my maiden name, and because the feminist in me didn't see the point and actually objected.

We gave our kids hyphenated last names. The only problem its caused, which is minor, is that its a PITA to make airline reservations since we have 3 different last names for one family traveling together, but now that is done online so its easier. Also, some computer systems still have trouble to handle hyphenated last names. And I have no CLUE what my kids will do when they marry but that is their problem.

My husband is portuguese, and I like their custom which is what Mimi described, the women's maiden last name becames her middle name when she marries, and then she takes her husband's last name. So, its not hyphenated but she can use it as much as she likes or needs to. In fact, she accumulates these middle names as the generations marry, kind of like a lineage.

[Zen]

Speaking of customs, I don't have a 'maiden' name either.
I have a 'name at birth"

I never did too well in the role of maiden

Maybe you could BOTH change your names. How about Jolie-Pitt? Or Obama?

[Tuckervill]

I didn't put much thought into this before I got married. I wish I had. It turns out that I miss my "Real" name. People often called me that as a nickname, and it was part of my identity.
To me, now that I've been married 7 years, it seems like perhaps it was the first step in losing some of my identity. I'm sure there are others who will disagree.

Iris, I agree with you. I've been married almost 20 years. I took my first husband's name, partially, and I was so happy to get my name back completely when we divorced. But when I remarried, it just seemed better not to have 3 last names in the house (I had kids from my first marriage), and I was in a different religious mindset at the time, so I took his name. I wish I had thought outside the box a little on that. We have a son together, and it is nice to be one of three with the same name--"The Tuckers" as some people in some circles refer to us. And my son does have my birth name as his first name (but we call him by his middle).

Sometimes, though, it just irks me that I can't be who I was from birth. It is a nice, well-thought out name altogether. There's only one grandchild with that last name now, and he just had a son, so I guess it is carrying on. I've often thought of taking back my name, but my husband and son, I think, would always consider it odd at the very least, and insulting at the worst. Which makes me think of how my older sons might feel that I didn't share their last name in the traditional way, and changed it so readily when I remarried. They probably don't think a thing of it, now, but maybe then they did. (My son's wife took his last name without a blink.)

It's complicated.

Karen