Wedding shower etiquette question

**indigoiis** · 03-20-2009, 11:40 AM

Hi All...
I am unconventional in that when I married my DH, we did not register for gifts or anything... we just had the JOP come up the house and marry us without any fuss or too big of a celebration. I think we had dinner for 15 and we did buy a cake. It was nice. It snowed.

Anyhow, so, my friend/acquaintance is getting married (1st time) May 23rd... she's absolutely wonderful and sweet and he's a great guy, so I readily went on the proper registries and found a gift I thought would be reflect as being *really* from me (a big cast iron fry pan they had registered for - which I think was incredibly smart of them and I am happy to have bought it.) So, that's done.

So, I am going to the wedding shower on Sunday. It's a surprise shower. It's all women. It's going to be a rated G shower at a restaurant. My question:

What, if anything, do i bring to the shower? The fry pan has shipped directly to their home. So... do I bring a card? Another present? WAT?

Help Please!
Clueless and wishing I could ride instead of go to a shower but oh well, the girl deserves it she's wonderful... in New England

**ny biker** · 03-20-2009, 11:50 AM

Was the frying pan a wedding present, or a shower present?

The reason wedding showers were invented was to outfit the couple in their new home (on the assumption they were still living with their respective parents and therefore were starting with nothing, which is often not the case these days, but anyway). So you should always give a gift.

Technically a wedding present is not necessary, but most people give one.

So you would give them two gifts.

If the frying pan is a wedding gift, then buy another present and bring it to the shower.

**ny biker** · 03-20-2009, 11:51 AM

p.s. I love your wedding. I wish more weddings were like that.

**indigoiis** · 03-20-2009, 11:54 AM

Gah. I thought so.
So what do I buy for a shower present? What's a shower present? I got them the frying pan for the wedding. I didn't think two presents were necessary.

They've been living together a couple of years and are both in their forties.

**tulip** · 03-20-2009, 11:55 AM

Perhaps the shower would be a chance to give something that is more for her, but keeping it proper, of course. Trousseaux aren't done much anymore, but perhaps something feminine (handmade soaps or something) would be nice.

**GLC1968** · 03-20-2009, 12:04 PM

You could look for something smaller on her registry and perhaps put it with something more personal.

I did this for a friend a few years back and it was greatly appreciated. I bought two casual wine glasses off her registry and put them with a nice bottle of wine into a big picnic type basket. I also threw in an inexpensive cute tablecloth and matching napkins. She loved it and it was different than a typical wedding/shower gift but yet still useful since it was from her registry.

Maybe get a couple of towels (if she registered for them) and put them with some fancy soaps, a candle and a 'do not disturb' sign for the doorknob.

**indigoiis** · 03-20-2009, 12:05 PM

Re-gifting?
I have this beautiful Pottery barn salt and shaker set that I received as a gift from my boss for xmas. It's a nesting, white pottery set. Anyhow, I live on a farm in house with lots of dog hair and dust and this thing never even made it out of the lovely designer box it came in. The box is in my china cabinet.

I am thinking of re-gifting.

**tulip** · 03-20-2009, 12:08 PM

Just check for old gift cards!

**Grog** · 03-20-2009, 12:24 PM

You could be in touch with whoever is organizing the shower and see if there is some sort of theme. I was once at a bridal shower where the theme was directly related to the bride and the idea was to bring something small and fun within that theme. On the other hand, at my own bridal shower I was given a mix of fun things for me (really cool cycling socks) and things from our registry (knives! I love knives). I am pretty clueless with regards to wedding etiquette but I did everything my "new family" seemed to think was right and it was fun and harmless in the end.

**Zen** · 03-20-2009, 12:25 PM

Is this a celebration of two peoples commitment to one another or a celebration of gifts?

You stated that they are both in their forties and have been together for a while. They really don't need anything.
I would spend about $25 on a gift card to a restaurant.

A cast iron pan is a very nice gift.

**indigoiis** · 03-20-2009, 12:25 PM

Thanks.

I just went over to the art store and bought lovely rice paper and pretty ribbon and an art card.
Can't go wrong with an art card...

Thanks for all your help.

**Crankin** · 03-20-2009, 12:59 PM

I am in the same situation. My good friend's daughter, who is 23 and very mentally unstable, is getting married in May. I already bought them an engagement gift (thankfully, we were on a cycling trip at the party) and now her shower is coming up.I have to miss a Sunday of cycling for this. I spent $50 on the engagement present, so I am getting her a more personal type of present, maybe back to the days of the trousseau. I will have to buy a wedding gift too, so the shower gift will be small. I am ignoring the registry. I should get both of them a prescription for a nutritionist, because they both weigh over 300 lbs. Don't get me started.
Indi., I had the same type of wedding. 20 people came to our apartment and the rabbi arrived with a portable huppah (canopy). Then we took everyone out to dinner at a nice restaurant.

**TsPoet** · 03-20-2009, 01:08 PM

Originally Posted by Grog

You could be in touch with whoever is organizing the shower and see if there is some sort of theme. I was once at a bridal shower where the theme was directly related to the bride and the idea was to bring something small and fun within that theme.

I had a good friend who was going to marry a man with the last name of Ham. She asked for pig items, she decided she was going to start a pig collection. I bought her some household things off her registry for the wedding, but when I was invited to the shower, I thought I'd get her something more in tune with her fun side. Their shower was coed but small and included her future in-laws.
Did I mention, she told me she was going to start a pig collection? I want to re-iterate, she told me she wanted pig things. Just to make it clear, she asked for pig-related items.
Her father-in law was about as Angry as I've ever seen anyone when she opened the pig-shaped tea kettle I was so excited about finding for her.

I guess growing up with the name and being a police officer named Ham inhibited his pleasure in things pig-like.

**Zen** · 03-20-2009, 01:10 PM

Me on my wedding day. You can tell by the tiara.

Just kidding, my tiara's much nicer than that

This lovely bride was found at http://tackyweddings.com/

**ny biker** · 03-20-2009, 01:17 PM

Originally Posted by Zen

Is this a celebration of two peoples commitment to one another or a celebration of gifts?

You stated that they are both in their forties and have been together for a while. They really don't need anything.

Which means they really should not be having a shower.

But a baby or wedding shower are supposed to be the only two events for which a gift is required. Everything else (weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, etc.) are considered gift-optional, even though most people don't see them that way. Just like the proper thing is to send the wedding gift to the home within a year of the event, but most people bring the gift to the wedding itself, so the couple needs to deal with a pile of boxes on their way to the honeymoon.

At least that's what Miss Manners says.

Anyway. Just because you're supposed to bring a gift, that doesn't mean it has to be a big expensive blowout.

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