How much do looks define your self-image?

[GraysonKelly]

I apologize if this is long, but this is a subject that I struggle with daily and I try to be one of the biggest advocates for younger kids, especially girls, when it comes to positive body image.
I've got polycystic ovarian syndrome...not an uncommon condition. However, I've also got numerous other endocrine disorders, particularly problems with my pituitary gland and ovaries. When puberty hit me, it HIT and kept hitting. Not only did my chest grow way bigger in proportion to the rest of me (DD) but I also started developing male secondary sex characteristics. I'm not a hermaphrodite, I just produce way too much testosterone. My voice got deeper, my muscles got bigger, and I started growing hair everywhere. Places that hair on women is not supposed to be or at least not quite so noticeable.
When it first showed up, especially on my face, my mother went berserk and screamed at me until I shaved it. That made it worse. Then she screamed at me until I used some other products that she'd discovered (Nair) and that blistered and burned me.
Yes, my looks affect my self-image. Especially when I get called "sir" and not because my hair or clothes. Or when especially mean spirited people used to call me "Harry Potter" and not because of my glasses.
And one of the other lovely side effects of this particular disorder is a very difficult ability to keep off weight. Cycling has gone a long way in the last year toward managing that and making that part of it both bearable and beatable.
The hair is the worst part. I can keep my body covered, but not my face. All the meds I've tried have such horrible side effects that I can't take them. Other methods of hiding or getting rid of the "unwanted" hair are quick fixes but painful and in some cases expensive. But as much as this affected me when I was younger, and still affects me now, I'm not nearly as self conscious as I used to be. Mainly because I talk about it now. I'm not afraid to talk about it. And I pray that if my niece grows up to face the same type of disorder, that I'll know how what to say to her. I'll know to tell her that she is beautiful inside and out and that if she wants to find some way to erase it or make it go away that I'll help her or help her talk to her mom. But that she should never feel ashamed or less than other people or ugly or like a freak or like she isn't lovable or attractive. I pray everyday that if that day comes for her, that I'll do and say the right things. I also pray everyday that I'll do and say the right things so that I'll believe those things for myself as well.
My face, my body, my weight, yes they've been huge influences on my self-image/self-esteem for most of my life. But I'm a lot more confident about myself now, again because I am doing something that I've wanted to do for several years and in 2010 I'm gonna get on a plane to California and ride my little heart out. And I won't care about how my face looks or anything else while I'm doing it.
I know that this was probably way more info than any of you wanted or needed to know, but like I said this subject is particularly important and sensitive for me. It sounds corny, but we are all beautiful people. It's hard to accept that sometimes especially when comparisons are made. But it's true. I don't think I'm beautiful, but I am getting more confident. And when someone tells me they think I'm "cute" or "attractive" I am learning to accept that compliment.
If you read all of this, thanks.
Have a great day and be beautiful,
Gray

[shootingstar]

Grayson, you already have found the words of what to say to your niece one day.

Perhaps one day your niece if she does have it, will also ride with you and gain that strength from you.

Without question, just basic things that define female vs. male bodies, do form our self-image ..for the rest of our lives. It determines how people treat us, female vs. male.

The loss of a breast is probably another clear example...though I haven't experienced this yet..and hope not to. But far worse things could happen.

In my teens and another sister, we both had severe acne...enough that it warranted prescription drugs..pills, lotions and careful selection of certain soaps. This was one of the reasons why I was so glad to earn money part-time and get my long hair cut off. It was healthier for my skin. Recently I looked some old photos of self in teen years..those years of self-consciousness, were like muffled years lost under that angst over what...how I looked as a growing young woman. Thankfully my parents did emphasize that we work on ramping up our brains to make it through school instead of making us feel less on other things.

Looking back though, they did sense how important how we personally might feel about positive self-image. They never compared/commented on their children against one another in terms of physical looks. (or at least, I never heard it.) Amazingly 2 of my siblings had teeth braces..and my father's restaurant employer didn't offer any medical benefits whatsoever. So this was the sacrifice...that they made. None of these siblings went whining to my parents to ask for the orthodontic treatment.

I shake my head in amazement, looking back..

[smilingcat]

I'm sorry but decided to delete my post. Just not comfortable sorta like airing dirty laundry.

[Aggie_Ama]

I'm sorry but decided to delete my post. Just not comfortable sorta like airing dirty laundry.

[Biciclista]

the older I get, the less my looks have to do with my self image.
I tell you what, it's a wonderful freedom!

when I was thirteen i used to stare in the mirror at my nose, convinced I looked like a troll and no boy would EVER like me!

[GLC1968]

I 100% agree with Sarah's post about appearance and 'hotness'. When I was in my 20's I had a girlfriend whom guys would fall all over themselves to talk to or date her. I once showed a photo of her to some of my guy friends (and my brother) and they didn't get it. They said she was cute, but certainly nothing special...until they met her in person. 20 minutes later, they too were in awe. It's not about looks...it's about attitude and how a person carries themselves and how they interact with others. Many women learn this later in life and therefore become hot at 30, 40, 50 or 60. Some never learn it.

Case in point: me. I am not hot. I never have been and probably never will be, but it has little to do with how I look and everything to do with how I feel about myself. I don't know how to be sexy. Even my husband teases me about it. I don't know how to learn and at this point, I think I'm too old to bother. I have all the confidence in the world when it comes to my abilities, my brain, my inner strength, etc...but physically? Yeah, that's a huge short-coming for me and it always has been. And outside of being a little more overweight than I was in my 20's - I pretty much look exactly the same. In fact, due to some necessary surgery, my smile is even better than it was back then. If I was hot at 21, I'd still be hot now at 41. Too bad I'm not.

[indysteel]

I 100% agree with Sarah's post about appearance and 'hotness'. When I was in my 20's I had a girlfriend whom guys would fall all over themselves to talk to or date her. I once showed a photo of her to some of my guy friends (and my brother) and they didn't get it. They said she was cute, but certainly nothing special...until they met her in person. 20 minutes later, they too were in awe. It's not about looks...it's about attitude and how a person carries themselves and how they interact with others.

I had a friend like that in college, too. There was just something about her. She was pretty, but people's reaction to went beyond that.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Wow, a lot of insightful, and beautiful, input on this thread. What an inspiration to read all this!

I guess we ALL struggle with wanting to feel beautiful or attractive both inside and outside, I am not immune to sometimes feeling physically unappealing in various ways either.
But my mother (who died 2 years ago) unfortunately led her life imprisoned by a sense of the all-important physical appearance. She was a great natural beauty. And yet, despite being born more 'beautiful' than 99.9% of other women, she constantly worried and fretted about her appearance and whether others would think she was physically beautiful- it deeply affected her whole life in various sad ways. Because her appearance was the most important aspect in how she felt about herself, she naturally thought that others felt the very same way in how they perceived her.
I suspect she would have successfully instilled the very same attitude in me if she weren't usually too busy fussing over her appearance to take the time to 'train' me.
The only good part of all this was that I was able to see in her life the consequences of this obsession about looks, and thus watch for the danger signs in myself.