In a low place

[OakLeaf]

(((((((smurf)))))))

It sounds like you work in a really toxic environment. I know it's not the best time to look for a new job, but maybe try anyhow. Talking to the boss sounds like a good idea (as I said in the earlier thread, a lot of what you mentioned before sounds like it's bordering on sexual harrassment, if not crossing that line). And whatever you can do to stay away from those people outside of the office, if I were you, I'd do that.

Having a plan can go a long way in alleviating the hopelessness and helplessness that goes with depression... although obviously being able to plan is one of the first things that depression attacks.

The cycle of depression can be broken in many places and it sounds like you're doing your best to attack it on several fronts (nutrition, exercise, animals), but sometimes it takes more than that. If you're still feeling this way in a couple of weeks (and honestly it does sound like it's been building for a while), do think about therapy. It sounds like you're aware that some of what's going on is that issues from your childhood are getting triggered. Therapy can be an enormous help in learning to deal with and eventually desensitize those triggers.

Keeping you in my thoughts.

[ASammy1]

First of all (((((smurf))))).

Second, I completely agree with OakLeaf. Having a plan is your first step.

I get really depressed when I'm feeling overwhelmed and confused about what to do too. What I do is take each item I'm feeling overwhelmed about and I make a list in chronological order of what needs to get done and then I assign a time period to it (kind of like a time line). This gets me organized and keeps me on track.

Lastly, surround yourself with positive people. I "divorced" the toxic people in my life a little while ago and have been much better off since.

Good luck TE friend!

[Irulan]

(((((((smurf)))))))

It sounds like you work in a really toxic environment. I know it's not the best time to look for a new job, but maybe try anyhow. Talking to the boss sounds like a good idea (as I said in the earlier thread, a lot of what you mentioned before sounds like it's bordering on sexual harrassment, if not crossing that line). And whatever you can do to stay away from those people outside of the office, if I were you, I'd do that.

Having a plan can go a long way in alleviating the hopelessness and helplessness that goes with depression... although obviously being able to plan is one of the first things that depression attacks.

The cycle of depression can be broken in many places and it sounds like you're doing your best to attack it on several fronts (nutrition, exercise, animals), but sometimes it takes more than that. If you're still feeling this way in a couple of weeks (and honestly it does sound like it's been building for a while), do think about therapy. It sounds like you're aware that some of what's going on is that issues from your childhood are getting triggered. Therapy can be an enormous help in learning to deal with and eventually desensitize those triggers.

Keeping you in my thoughts.

What she said.

[lunacycles]

Hey Smurf, You live in Boulder, aka "snobville" when it comes to all things cycling. Trust me there--20 years dwelling, racing, owning a small bike shop there made that very evident. It is great for cycling, no doubt, but remember where you are living--possibly the most elitist cycling community in this country.

A bike is a bike is a bike. It should be something that gives you joy, not something that reflects your self worth. I say hang out with the horse as much as you can; wherever unconditional love finds you, put your energy there. Enjoy your bike and ride it whenever and wherever you feel like it, and try to ignore those deluded folks who seem to think they (or you) are somehow better if they have a more expensive (or lighter, or fill-in-the-blank) bicycle. My dos centavos.

As far as depression goes you are getting great advice. I am no pro there. I seem to see my bouts of depression as personal challenges to plow through, and have likely suffered more than necessary as a result. But we all face it, especially when times are uncertain. You are not alone.

[Aggie_Ama]

I say tell the boys at work to STFU and ride your bike. In Austin is almost a subculture of coolness to have a bike like yours.

[solobiker]

Smurf, I lived in Boulder for a little bit and it is a tough town to live in because it seems like everyone is trying to impress people with what they have. As DH says "keeping up with the Jones'" (I liked living there for the hiking and climbing) Now to get back to the topic, I certainly don't have very fancy/expensive bikes, but I enjoy riding them. I used to really care about what others said and was comparing myself to what others had and my ability...the list could go on. It took a while for me to accept things for what they are and to know that in the end it does not matter. I had a close friend who was very much in enjoying every aspect that life had to offer. Her bike was very old, she didn't own a jersey but she could bike me into the ground, same with climbing and skiing. all of her gear was old. Unfortunately she died in an accident about 2 years ago, but she changed me in ways I can't describe. I guess wht I am trying to say is, try to step back and look at what you have done and accomplished. Would a new bike make you happy?? Whenever I was upset about some "trivial" such as work she would say..."on your deathbed are you really going to be upset about....." "Or do you want to remember......" That really helped me to learn to let go a lot of the Cr**. So when people are bugging the heck out of you just try to focus on positive aspects instead of dwelling on the CR***. Lets hook up soon and ride. I need a riding partner and someone who is younger then me to help me out and someone to pull me up the hills.

[derailed]

Thank you for letting us know that you are under stress, so we can be here for you.
Thank you for making a list of things to do, such as getting vitamins and planning steps to take to cut down on some of the BS you are being bombarded with.

The peanut gallery is contaminated. They have no more right to judge your bicycle than they do your choice in underwear. No one has the right to tell you how to spend your money. No one has the right to tell you how to enjoy your personal time. I am disgusted by the attitude you have mentioned dealing with at work, and do hope your employer will take steps to reduce the pressure.

You are not the only one to be "teased" past the point of propriety. You are not alone.

Are you sleeping properly? Are you eating well and staying hydrated?

[smurfalicious]

Do you do rodeos? Is there an equestrian club in your area that has some down to earth/normal folk?

Ugh, that's the hardest thing. The whole rodeo circuit in CO is on the western slope, thus at least $100 in gas per rodeo not to mention entry fees, food, nights too cold to sleep in the bed of the truck, etc. Either way I miss it soooo much!!! That was me, that was my life, training 5-6 days a week after work, and irrigating and then running hellbent for leather around the arena on the weekends.

There are some barrel races around here but they use the 4-D format for everything. So my $1500 novice class is the same crap shoot as entering the 4-D. Basically, let's just say the AToC time trial was in 4-D format and they were placing 5 deep. So Levi's time won, and the next 4 guys immediately after would place in the 1-D. Okay so let's call his time, I dunno 30:30, and say we're doing 1 minute splits, so winner of the 2-D is 31:30 and then four down from him, 32:30 wins the 3-D etc. Soooo, if there are 20 guys between 30:30 and 31:30 only 5 of them win, while 15 lose despite better times than the 31:30 group. Yeah, it's lame.

Anyway, I spent most of last night chatting with a good friend who helped me refocus and think about all the awesometastic things I want to do:

• I need to spend the weekend getting ready to bring my horse home, hurray! (though might keep him where he is since play days start soon and I've made some friends there).
  
• Rent a Bobcat and create the most awesometastic pump track/dirt jump course in the backyard and become a DJ/BMX superstar (all in the same weekend, actually).
  
• Shop around for a green screen printing shop that uses ethical and organic t-shirts to start my awesometastic business.
  
• Study the art of the interview from the good folks at NPR's fresh air. Score interview with Tyyy-luuuuhr. Complete rocking interview. Tyyy-luuuuhr falls madly in love with me (eh hem). Sell interview to Bicycling for a cajillion dollars. Buy new bike. Tell Tyyy-luuuhr I don't have time for a relationship (erm whut? Yes I do!)
  
• Ride bike with Solobiker. Laugh when she thinks my fat butt is going to pull on the hills.
  
• Work on my David Sedaris-esque personal narratives. Published writers are more popular to employ and oh yeah, I love writing!

Things I am grateful for, at least today:

• That I can rock the farmer's daughter look in pig tails and a red/white plaid shirt.
  
• The epic sandwhich I made today for lunch. Yes, I called a sandwhich epic, but if you saw it, you'd understand.
  
• Friends that will hang around on google chat until the wee hours telling my stories about inflatable seagulls in outdated jello boxes.
  
• My numerous Pandora stations that always manage to offer up something the keeps me in a good mood.
  
• Still being full from the epic sammich several hours later.
  
• Making a friend the other day with my ex-roommate's ex girlfriend (is confusing, but is okay).
  
• Birthday dinner for pseudo-niece and seeing her smile when she opens her present, super happy about that.