In a low place

[sundial]

One of the most debilitating things about depression is that it robs us of our rational thinking. We are left with raw feelings of helplessness and hopelessness that perpetuates the problem further.

You've had the weight of the world on your shoulders and it's been difficult for you to keep your head above the water. It sounds like you are starting at a good place by addressing your physical needs first. Once you get your body healthier things won't seem as dismal and overwhelming. Spend time with your horses. I know how therapeutic they can be. Surround yourself with positive and healthy people who have a genuine respect and concern for you and your well being. Buy fresh flowers to add a little bit of sunshine to your home or office. With longer, sunnier days just around the corner you'll want to get out more often for the fresh air and sunshine and that will help you too.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

I'd guess that perhaps half of the women here on TE can't afford a new fancy bike right now either. Or a horse.
If you have your health and you have a roof over your head and food to eat, and you have your loved ones who mean something to you....that's what really matters most, right? Sometimes, especially when we are young, we don't realize this until we suddenly lose one of those things.

And people who purposely make you feel crummy because you don't have some expensive material object like they have are shallow. The hell with them and their superficial values. Often we take on the attitudes of those we surround ourselves with. Consider making changes in your life plan that will cause you to associate with more positive people and fewer negative ones. Such changes can be small and still make a difference.

[Biciclista]

And people who purposely make you feel crummy because you don't have some expensive material object like they have are shallow. The hell with them and their superficial values. Often we take on the attitudes of those we surround ourselves with. Consider making changes in your life plan that will cause you to associate with more positive people and fewer negative ones. Such changes can be small and still make a difference.

Can't you tell these "friends" to buzz off? I think you're fortunate to be able to keep a horse. I had to give mine up years ago. I do seriously question friends that put you down for a bike like the one you built. I would be very proud of it and I would give my "friends" a good talking about how they are HURTING my feelings.

[OakLeaf]

(((((((smurf)))))))

It sounds like you work in a really toxic environment. I know it's not the best time to look for a new job, but maybe try anyhow. Talking to the boss sounds like a good idea (as I said in the earlier thread, a lot of what you mentioned before sounds like it's bordering on sexual harrassment, if not crossing that line). And whatever you can do to stay away from those people outside of the office, if I were you, I'd do that.

Having a plan can go a long way in alleviating the hopelessness and helplessness that goes with depression... although obviously being able to plan is one of the first things that depression attacks.

The cycle of depression can be broken in many places and it sounds like you're doing your best to attack it on several fronts (nutrition, exercise, animals), but sometimes it takes more than that. If you're still feeling this way in a couple of weeks (and honestly it does sound like it's been building for a while), do think about therapy. It sounds like you're aware that some of what's going on is that issues from your childhood are getting triggered. Therapy can be an enormous help in learning to deal with and eventually desensitize those triggers.

Keeping you in my thoughts.

[ASammy1]

First of all (((((smurf))))).

Second, I completely agree with OakLeaf. Having a plan is your first step.

I get really depressed when I'm feeling overwhelmed and confused about what to do too. What I do is take each item I'm feeling overwhelmed about and I make a list in chronological order of what needs to get done and then I assign a time period to it (kind of like a time line). This gets me organized and keeps me on track.

Lastly, surround yourself with positive people. I "divorced" the toxic people in my life a little while ago and have been much better off since.

Good luck TE friend!

[Irulan]

(((((((smurf)))))))

It sounds like you work in a really toxic environment. I know it's not the best time to look for a new job, but maybe try anyhow. Talking to the boss sounds like a good idea (as I said in the earlier thread, a lot of what you mentioned before sounds like it's bordering on sexual harrassment, if not crossing that line). And whatever you can do to stay away from those people outside of the office, if I were you, I'd do that.

Having a plan can go a long way in alleviating the hopelessness and helplessness that goes with depression... although obviously being able to plan is one of the first things that depression attacks.

The cycle of depression can be broken in many places and it sounds like you're doing your best to attack it on several fronts (nutrition, exercise, animals), but sometimes it takes more than that. If you're still feeling this way in a couple of weeks (and honestly it does sound like it's been building for a while), do think about therapy. It sounds like you're aware that some of what's going on is that issues from your childhood are getting triggered. Therapy can be an enormous help in learning to deal with and eventually desensitize those triggers.

Keeping you in my thoughts.

What she said.

[lunacycles]

Hey Smurf, You live in Boulder, aka "snobville" when it comes to all things cycling. Trust me there--20 years dwelling, racing, owning a small bike shop there made that very evident. It is great for cycling, no doubt, but remember where you are living--possibly the most elitist cycling community in this country.

A bike is a bike is a bike. It should be something that gives you joy, not something that reflects your self worth. I say hang out with the horse as much as you can; wherever unconditional love finds you, put your energy there. Enjoy your bike and ride it whenever and wherever you feel like it, and try to ignore those deluded folks who seem to think they (or you) are somehow better if they have a more expensive (or lighter, or fill-in-the-blank) bicycle. My dos centavos.

As far as depression goes you are getting great advice. I am no pro there. I seem to see my bouts of depression as personal challenges to plow through, and have likely suffered more than necessary as a result. But we all face it, especially when times are uncertain. You are not alone.

[Aggie_Ama]

I say tell the boys at work to STFU and ride your bike. In Austin is almost a subculture of coolness to have a bike like yours.