How To Not Sweat The Small Stuff?

[tulip]

It helps me to remember that I cannot control the people around me. But I CAN control my reaction to them.

[ASammy1]

Wow. This thread reminds me of that book "Co-Dependent No More" by Melanie Beattie. I think I might need to read that again.

[shootingstar]

It helps me to remember that I cannot control the people around me. But I CAN control my reaction to them.

That is a helpful starting point.

One would like to believe that one can think larger and bigger as one gets abit older after seeing things piecemeal or in different parts.

What has helped me abit is that even though the areas of knowledge I think I know alot about because I may have had alot of exposure or been deeply part of a particular world, I still don't know much. The constant learning mode and learning attitude has served me best to keep me from wanting to control and have things my way or not learn of unpleasant truths.

But the unsettling part is to learn of own's one control freakishness via a 2nd party or 3rd party you barely know.

[Irulan]

particularly like Irulan's suggestion of just listening and practicing saying "uh-huh" or "I see".

oh thanks. It's a good one too if you are trying to choose to react differently, but aren't sure what that is yet.

[Over50Newbie]

I can totally relate to this topic.

To say that I was a "control freak" is an understatement. I was an over the top control freak my whole life.

Notice that I wrote the above sentences in the past tense. That's because I have good news to share.

I am 54 years old. Approximately 10 years ago, I finally realized that I was miserable and my control problems were ruining my life.

So at age 44, I decided to go into therapy. No doubt about it, counseling was hard. But it was soooo worth it! I finally broke through some very painful childhood barriers and was finally able to give up my control issues. I now look back at all that hard work and say, "What took me so long to start counseling?" I wish I had done it sooner in my life.

So my advice to you is to consider counseling. I was not able to do it alone - I needed professional help. And asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength.

I hope I am not offending you with my post. This is just what worked for me. I am finally happy!

Lynette

[Norse]

No offense taken. I actually did think of counseling but really do not have the time and would prefer not to spend the money. Which is why I turned to my TE sisters! What a wealth of knowledge and information in these forums.... I have received good advice on everything from saddle sores to peri-menopausal issues.

Emily, I am indeed a perfectionist, which has always served me well in the academic and, to some extent, work worlds, but not so well elsewhere.

Irulan and Tulip, thank you for your thoughts - I actually took some of those gems and printed them off so that I can keep reminding myself to try these things. I read somewhere that you should try biting your tongue for one week. I repeatedly tried this, and repeatedly failed. Irulan, I really like your suggestion of trying one day at a time. I think that starting with one week is an unrealistic goal (we are talking years, decades of this behavior pattern), but one day, that I can shoot for. I started last night.

First, not a tongue biting exercise but a situation I cannot control: riding the bus home; got the driver who is afraid to use the freeway shoulder - where buses can legally go - and therefore he sat us in stuck traffic for awhile; started to feel my BP rising and breath shortening; reminded myself there was nothing I could do to change this; sat back and enjoyed listening to some more David Sedaris on my MP3 player.

Next, at home: no nagging, no correcting of DP. Of course, I can always see so many ways to do things better.

Today, I am trying a full day's effort. Halfway through and so far so good, especially since we met with a new boss today (quite a test!).

[Crankin]

Norse, if you work, look into any employee assistance program they have. Usually this includes 4-5 sessions w/ a counselor. It doesn't cost anything. If you have this benefit and then want to continue, the counselor can refer you to someone who would meet your needs.
Health insurance pays for counseling! Even if you have limited benefits for this (though many states have mental health parity laws now), you could benefit from short term work, especially since you are motivated to change.
This is for you; same as time for riding, running, etc. Change is sometimes hard without some help.

[Irulan]

Health insurance pays for counseling!

wow, you must have a good plan. I haven't had a health plan that covered counseling in 10+ years.

[Pax]

When you feel the control urge growing, notice how it feels in your body. You tense up, you start breathing shallow, you mentally clench up and FOCUS on the urge...

Take a breath, relax your hands and shoulders. Take a few more breaths, shrug your shoulders and flex your hands. While you're doing this stay in the moment, be very aware of your breathing and conscious of you body, focus on the moment.

[Brandi]

I can totally relate to this topic.

To say that I was a "control freak" is an understatement. I was an over the top control freak my whole life.

Notice that I wrote the above sentences in the past tense. That's because I have good news to share.

I am 54 years old. Approximately 10 years ago, I finally realized that I was miserable and my control problems were ruining my life.

So at age 44, I decided to go into therapy. No doubt about it, counseling was hard. But it was soooo worth it! I finally broke through some very painful childhood barriers and was finally able to give up my control issues. I now look back at all that hard work and say, "What took me so long to start counseling?" I wish I had done it sooner in my life.

So my advice to you is to consider counseling. I was not able to do it alone - I needed professional help. And asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength.

I hope I am not offending you with my post. This is just what worked for me. I am finally happy!

Lynette

Some tips for those of us who don't have the time or money for therapy would be wonderful.

[tulip]

Some tips for those of us who don't have the time or money for therapy would be wonderful.

I've found that writing things down in a private journal really helps me, but I'm not very consistent with doing that. That's something that I need to get back to with more regularity.

Crankin gave suggestions for free/reduced cost counseling. Many therapists have sliding scales. For me, it was just something that was worth doing, so I made it fit into my budget. I did have to cut back elsewhere, but it made all the difference for me. I'm now talking to my therapist only every few months because I moved and I got through some really tough times.

As for time, it is one hour (actually 50 minutes) weekly, monthly...you and your therapist determine that. It's not a big time commitment, but it can be exhausting.

[Irulan]

Some tips for those of us who don't have the time or money for therapy would be wonderful.

One thought is you might see if there's an appropriate 12 step group that might be a good fit. For example, many of the issues in the thread are symptomatic of growing up in alcoholic home, and Al-anon might be a good choice in that respect.

Another thought is group counseling. There are many good facilitate groups ( for every issue imaginable) and the cost usually relates to 4-6 group sessions might equal the cost of one private session.

Now having been down this road ( feeling like there wasn't time or money), is that in many cases the time/money thing is a matter of how much you want to commit or feel you need the change. For some people, the time/money thing is just a coverup for being afraid of what they might find out and learn in counseling. When my marriage was in the tank, the alternative to NOT seeking counseling wasn't pretty. We were living paycheck to pay check but we made it work and I have never, ever regretted it. Same thing when I was so depressed I was non-functional and suicidal - not getting the help I needed wasn't an option. It's an investment in your quality of life. I'd recommend NOT waiting until things are in crisis mode to get started.

Sometimes, the things we need to learn how to do differently are so well integrated into our core that we honestly do need facilitation to change.