Driving:when will you stop?

[NoNo]

Ugh, we're going through this now with my grandfather. My grandmother is pretty alert, but knows she's not comfortable driving at night and does what she can to avoid it. My grandfather, however, still thinks he has all his faculties about him and refuses to limit himself in any way. However, we're pretty sure he's got the beginning stages of Altzheimers or dimentia. He can't even hold a conversation without falling asleep or drifting off into his own world while he searches for words. I'm constantly finishing his sentences for him. You can tell him something a hundred times, he won't remember it, but can tell you the same story from 50 years ago every time he sees you. It's maddening, especially since he won't admit anything is wrong. Plus he's had both his knees replaced and basically shuffles around. How could can his reaction time be? There were even a few times he randomly fell this summer. This is not someone I want on the road, either for his safety, or the safety of others. My cousin said he was in the car with them when my grandfather got on the highway in the wrong direction. He also drives unreasonably slow. I was driving them back from dinner once and he yelled at me for going to fast. I pointed out I was doing the speed limit and keeping up with traffic and he said there was no need to be going that fast. If you can't drive with traffic, you're every bit as likely to cause an accident as someone who's speeding. But my mom and aunts don't want the hassle of having the talk with him. They don't want the arguments and general unpleasantness this would cause. Well sorry, but that sure beats the alternative. It's so frustrating because he won't listen to me, and my parents will tell me to mind my business. I wish there was mandatory testing, I'm certain he would fail.

[divingbiker]

I wish there was mandatory testing, I'm certain he would fail.

Don't be too sure. My 83-year-old aunt aunt took the driving test last year and failed it, and also failed the eye test. They let her go to her eye doctor to see if he would pass her, and he did, despite the fact that she has macular degeneration and can't see anything except shadows. She somehow managed to pass the driving test the second time and got her license. The threshold for passing is not high.

Luckily she has stopped driving now, but it took her about 5 years of living dangerously before she finally recognized she should get off the road.

[PscyclePath]

I went through this about this time last year with my Dad, who was afflicted with the increasing dementia that comes along with Alzheimer's. And it's not any fun at all. After an episode where he took off in his pickup truck in the middle of the night a week or so before Christmas '07, I wound up simply taking his keys and hiding the truck after I got it out of the body shop.

He didn't take it well at all, and I was not one of his favorite folks for a long while... at least until the dementia progressed enough that he couldn't remember it any more, or who I was.

Me, I hope I have enough sense remaining when I get to that point, where I can make that decision.

[derailed]

I went through this with my grandmother a few years ago.
I spoke to her local cops, and got them to watch her. When an officer saw her doing something out of the ordinary, he pulled her over and had a long conversation with her. He later told me that he explained to her how upset he would be if she got hurt, if a more aggressive younger driver frightened her off the road.

She called me up later that day and asked me to come take the car and help her move to an assisted living facility of her choice. She did not tell me why, just that she chose to stop driving, and it was "time".

I did not have to confront her, the family did not take the blame, and she was not embarrassed.
She didn't lose her marbles for a couple more years, and she never knew I had engineered the change in lifestyle for her. She seemed quite relieved not to have to be responsible for all aspects of her health and safety any longer.

Best wishes in finding a solution which fits your own specific circumstances.

Smurf: My sincere condolences to your loss and to the betrayal of your friend's wishes.

[Possegal]

My father died fairly young, 60, but for the last 6 months he was not able to walk unassisted, yet when we'd see a Dr, the first thing he always wanted to know was when would he be able to drive again. I really got an idea then about how his ability to get from point A to point B, and to take care of my mother that way, was so utterly vital to him. As a single person with no kids, I have no idea how I'll deal with not being able to be independent that way. I guess first step will be moving back home to Pittsburgh. My mother lived for 20 yrs after my Dad, and she never drove. She got herself everywhere on public transportation or her two feet. And by everywhere I mean work, the store, and bingo and the horse track. She had the local grocery store deliver the cat litter.

[Grog]

I am sorry for your loss, Smurf. I also know a young man (who was in my high school class) who got killed by an elderly driver while he was riding his bicycle around some Ivy League campus on the East Coast, a couple of days after starting his PhD in astrophysics. It is maddening. But there are lots of people out there driving who are not paying attention, young and old... and in between.

My dad and his siblings (there used to be 17 of them, now probably 13 or so) have this "deal": they have told each other that they will stop driving when they hit 70 (or is it 75?). That way, nobody has to tell anyone anything: you just stop, no matter how good a driver you think you are. Just in case. I know some of them have passed that milestone already and I don't think they are driving, but I'd need to check. I have a hard time believing my dad will stop driving, but as my mom is six years younger it's likely that he will. Also, my brother and his partner are around to help.

A century of short-sighted urban planning is leaving us with massively sprawled communities that are so entirely car-dependent that it's nearly impossible to really get around if you don't have an engine of your own. A century of medical and public health progress has given us the largest population of elderly people the world has ever seen. We're bound for a catastrophe.

Doctors (and others) are reluctant to take driving privileges away because they know that many elders' health and condition will go downhill from that day, especially because most of them don't have a tight network of people who will help them get around. What a blow to one's autonomy. A catastrophe in every way...

[ASammy1]

My grandfather turned 90 in 2008 and the DMV renewed his licence for 1 year. He is only using it for ID purposes though.