Have a Happy Period!

[lph]

I think it's hilarious, and I think she's wording it so obviously over the top that even the recipient might find it funny. I've written a similar letter (not as funny, I'm afraid) to some company that insisted on billing me a gazillion times for a magazine I'd cancelled, and my intent was to get my point across strongly, with humour. And I swear - I've never bitten the head off any bank teller or shop assistant

edited to add: I guess "tiny middle-manager brain" was a bit unnecessarily rude. Unless it was actually directed to somebody at the top, in which case he can probably handle it.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Well it's good that we can all express our thoughts about it.

(hopefully without biting each others' heads off or ripping each other's uteruses out.)

(uterii??)

[maillotpois]

There's an attorney here who's known for his incredibly mean yet very funny letters to opposing counsel. That "tiny middle manager" thing reminds me of a letter he wrote once that went something like: "I can almost picture you sitting at your deck crafting that sentence. However, since I don't know what you look like, I have to imagine a clown sitting at their desk."

The whole thing was pretty darned funny. I actually scan and save letters like that that I get in some of my more litigious cases.

[SadieKate]

Subject: The United States of England You Go Cleese!

Message from John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime
minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need
for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and neighbour.' Likewise, you will
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix
"ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix
'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as
'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be
a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be
called "Come-Uppance Day."

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled
by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.

7. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling "gasoline")-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut,fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
"beer," and E uropean brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four
Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).

[Tri Girl]

Subject: The United States of England You Go Cleese!

Message from John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America:

That was awesome! I missed that when it came out... 4 or 8 years ago.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

There's an attorney here who's known for his incredibly mean yet very funny letters to opposing counsel. That "tiny middle manager" thing reminds me of a letter he wrote once that went something like: "I can almost picture you sitting at your deck crafting that sentence. However, since I don't know what you look like, I have to imagine a clown sitting at their desk."

Personally, I think this is way funnier and more clever than the "Pull your head out of your a**, man!" school of satire. But to each their own!

John Cleese?- always funny.

[jobob]

This all reminds me of a hillarious Ebay auction a couple of years ago - "LOT OF POKEMON CARDS THAT MY KIDS TRIED TO SNEAK BY ME". I had put the link to that auction on my blog but it's no longer on Ebay, alas.

But the good news is, the author of that post started her own website and blog and she posted the original auction page here (in pdf form):

http://www.dawnmeehan.com/wp-content...monauction.pdf

And even better, she wrote a book that's to be published in April.

I think that's really cool.

[Trekhawk]

This all reminds me of a hillarious Ebay auction a couple of years ago - "LOT OF POKEMON CARDS THAT MY KIDS TRIED TO SNEAK BY ME". I had put the link to that auction on my blog but it's no longer on Ebay, alas.

But the good news is, the author of that post started her own website and blog and she posted the original auction page here (in pdf form):

http://www.dawnmeehan.com/wp-content...monauction.pdf

And even better, she wrote a book that's to be published in April.

I think that's really cool.

YAY!!
Thanks for posting the link Jo. I remember this one and I laughed myself stupid the first time I read it. Good to have another belly laugh today.