Dealing with Mid-Life Crisis

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Don't get me wrong...I agree with the whole idea that these middle aged men are just seeking their inner path, looking to redefine themselves, and perhaps they themselves aren't even sure what they need/want....
I think we all go through some combination of these challenges when we hit middle age.
It's not that I think Bluetree's guy biking pals are acting sleazy.
HOWEVER....
Being in my mid 50's I can say that I have had a little experience with this issue.
When I was in my mid 20's I was quite attractive, and I noticed an occasional middle aged guy would say this kind of stuff to me sort of wistfully.
It happened more regularly in my 30's....50 something guys would tell me (sometimes seemingly out of the blue, or while working in the same place, and didn't seem to matter if I was happily married or not) how they were 'bored' with their lives, how they couldn't connect anymore with their spouses or children, how their lives lacked passion or direction, ....and how they wished their wife was more like me. It was always "I wish she had a smile like yours" or "I wish she was musical like you" or "I wish she was more outgoing like you"...."independent like you"...."artistic like you".....etc etc. If I had been biking at the time I'm sure it would have been "I wish she was into fitness and biking like you". Usually followed by their assurances to me that they cared deeply about their families and marriages.
Then, if I listened sympathetically to their tales of angst over a period of time...well it would always eventually wind up with them asking me for a 'date'. Always. If I did not continue to listen sympathetically, well they would just immediately go focus on some other woman, like it was no big deal.
But one thing I did notice is that it would always be a younger, pretty woman they would focus on....never a woman their own age (or their wife's age) who might actually have some really valuable wisdom and insight to offer them. hmmm....
I know this sounds unkind and cynical, but I'm just reporting my experiences. I do sympathize with these fellows and with anyone, male or female, who goes through this kind of angst. I went through it myself!

Perhaps it will help Bluetree to sense if things are going in an unwanted direction in any of those cases she is dealing with.

[Zen]

Reminds me of the old cliche "my wife doesn't understand me"

[Mr. Bloom]

Reminds me of the old cliche "my wife doesn't understand me"

Huh?

[Crankin]

It's what men would say to women that they were hitting on...
like an excuse for their bad behavior.

[jane_t]

Unfortunately I can speak from experience about this issue. My husband has done this with a couple of women in our cycling club. He is having a major mid life crisis. (We’re married 20 years!!) I run a profitable small business and take care of most of the things at home. (As most women do). I admit that I have gained weight over the 20 years but I am in the process of getting back into shape for a ½ marathon in April and also ride about 75 miles a week in the summer.

I guess that men get restless in their late 40’s and think that someone new will solve their problems with themselves. I would suggest to that she tell the guys to discuss it with their spouses. The pain involved for the spouse is incredible.

[Mr. Bloom]

please just don't imply that this is a uniquely male issue

While it is a male stereotype, I think that the last few years have seen more women emerging with this type of behavior as well...and based on my circle of acquaintences, I believe it's much more gender balanced than you might think.

[Selkie]

Marriage is hard work, even "happy" marriages.

Call me old fashioned, but I would never ever want my husband to complain about me to or discuss his personal issues with a younger female.

From BT's description of what's going on, it sounds like these guys are trolling for either an emotional or physical affair.

[Zen]

please just don't imply that this is a uniquely male issue

though we are notorious for digression, please re-read the initial post. The discussion is about one persons experience.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Unfortunately I can speak from experience about this issue. My husband has done this with a couple of women in our cycling club. He is having a major mid life crisis. (We’re married 20 years!!) I run a profitable small business and take care of most of the things at home. (As most women do). I admit that I have gained weight over the 20 years but I am in the process of getting back into shape for a ½ marathon in April and also ride about 75 miles a week in the summer.

I guess that men get restless in their late 40’s and think that someone new will solve their problems with themselves. I would suggest to that she tell the guys to discuss it with their spouses. The pain involved for the spouse is incredible.

I feel for you Jane- I hope things work out for you.

I tend to think that it is simply not appropriate or responsible for someone to dump their middle aged angst and marriage problems onto someone substantially younger than themselves. Especially an older man whining to a younger pretty woman. They should seek sympathy/comfort/advice/help from a more appropriate source- a therapist, a male peer, and/or their spouse.

This issue kind of reminds me of that rather miserable Bill Murray movie "Lost in Translation".
In that movie both the middle aged man and the younger woman were trying to fix their respective marriage boredoms by having a relationship with each other, a sympathetic stranger/acquaintance, rather than trying to work on their relationships with their spouses. They sought a cure for their boredom in the empty novelty of a 'new person'. They acted as though they were noble martyrs for putting up with their spouses (though apparently not lifting a finger to fix anything or even level with their spouses) ....but I just found myself unable to feel any sympathy for either of them, aside from just finding them pathetic.

[Mr. Bloom]

though we are notorious for digression, please re-read the initial post. The discussion is about one persons experience.

simply responding to the evolution zen...

[Bruno28]

Reminds me of the old cliche "my wife doesn't understand me"

Right on the nose, as ever

[ACG]

What to do? I was sympathetic at first, but now it's making me very annoyed. I want to just slap them upside the head and yell, "Stop-being-such-a-crybaby-if-you-aren't-happy-then-do-something-about-it-without-destroying-your-family!"

Does that work? Any suggestions?

Here is my suggestion and experience. I have managed large groups of people who because of my job think I am their shoulder to cry on. It is both a male and female thing, just happens at different stages in our lives. I have had people tell me some really personal things, I mean REALLY PERSONAL. I never tell anyone at work these things. Maybe that is why they come to me. Because they trust me. Anyway. From my personal experience I can't say enough about taking charge of your life. Why rely on another person for all of YOUR happiness? I have told this to people. Sometimes I just listen and nod my head, because they is all they want.

So maybe for you, they see a female who has the opinion they would listen to. They don't want to go to a therapist because that is like admitting you have a problem. But seeing this is causing you some discomfort, you should take care of yourself. Simply say, you sympathize with their situation however you are perhaps not the best person to help them out and while you want to remain friends, you are feeling a little bit weighed down by this situation.

Then if that doesn't work the more upfront approach: Guys stop complaining, weigh all your options, take into account the negative consequences to what you think will be a positive outcome, get off your behind and do something. But I don't want or need to be your life coach.

And slapping people upside they head feels really good sometimes too.

Okay, that is just MY opinion.

Sign me, divorced female who did something about her un-happy ex-spouse.

[Miranda]

WOW, this is quite a thread. There is a whole lot I could say, but how about this for one thing (in addition to what has already been said)...

OK, you say you are friends ALSO with the wives of these guys (or aquiants etc.)? Umm, what happens if the WIVES start talking to you ALSO or mention something, ask your opinion, etc.

That is where the guys reaaally need to get a big dose of stfu medicine. If they have any brains what so ever, any respect for you as a friend/aquiant, etc. they ***should*** understand if you mention how ackward/uncomfortable this topic would be if presented by their SO...

Like... are ya suppose to lie for them? Tell the truth? Fumble the question... and maybe have their wives brains start working overtime as to why you are having trouble answering?

Ahh, yea... that's got all kinds of possibilities to it *shudders*.

[Irulan]

W
That is where the guys reaaally need to get a big dose of stfu medicine.

totally awesome!!!!

[salsabike]

if-you-aren't-happy-then-do-something-about-it-without-destroying-your-family!"

Does that work? Any suggestions?

You know what, Bluetree? I think your first instinct was actually a pretty good one (slap is optional).