Dealing with Mid-Life Crisis

[Crankin]

Flybye gave some very perceptive application of Erikson's theory. I just finished a presentation on adult development and my group focused on marriage. I looked at how attachment bonds formed as children affect marital success and attachment to a partner. I don't want to go into it all here, but needless to say, considering what a lot of people have gone through as children/teens, it is no wonder that by the time you reach 40, it starts to bubble up.
Personally, I think both men and women have unrealistic expectations about marriage and think it is going to be all perfect without a lot of hard work. People don't know how to be honest and communicate. Throw in endless hours of training, without connecting to your spouse or kids makes it worse. I think the feeling of "boredom" that the men describe is simply the fact that regular daily life does not provide the "thrill" or high that racing/training does. I know that my son who raced ALWAYS said he was bored. He went from one passion to another until he started riding. Then, when he went to college he was bored again and joined the military. It's the constant thrill seeking working here. Now, he's always seeking dangerous assignments, because even the routine tasks of his job in intelligence seem "boring."
I really think this type of personality is attracted to racing; it doesn't bode well for relationships. Of course, I've let my son know this!

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Don't get me wrong...I agree with the whole idea that these middle aged men are just seeking their inner path, looking to redefine themselves, and perhaps they themselves aren't even sure what they need/want....
I think we all go through some combination of these challenges when we hit middle age.
It's not that I think Bluetree's guy biking pals are acting sleazy.
HOWEVER....
Being in my mid 50's I can say that I have had a little experience with this issue.
When I was in my mid 20's I was quite attractive, and I noticed an occasional middle aged guy would say this kind of stuff to me sort of wistfully.
It happened more regularly in my 30's....50 something guys would tell me (sometimes seemingly out of the blue, or while working in the same place, and didn't seem to matter if I was happily married or not) how they were 'bored' with their lives, how they couldn't connect anymore with their spouses or children, how their lives lacked passion or direction, ....and how they wished their wife was more like me. It was always "I wish she had a smile like yours" or "I wish she was musical like you" or "I wish she was more outgoing like you"...."independent like you"...."artistic like you".....etc etc. If I had been biking at the time I'm sure it would have been "I wish she was into fitness and biking like you". Usually followed by their assurances to me that they cared deeply about their families and marriages.
Then, if I listened sympathetically to their tales of angst over a period of time...well it would always eventually wind up with them asking me for a 'date'. Always. If I did not continue to listen sympathetically, well they would just immediately go focus on some other woman, like it was no big deal.
But one thing I did notice is that it would always be a younger, pretty woman they would focus on....never a woman their own age (or their wife's age) who might actually have some really valuable wisdom and insight to offer them. hmmm....
I know this sounds unkind and cynical, but I'm just reporting my experiences. I do sympathize with these fellows and with anyone, male or female, who goes through this kind of angst. I went through it myself!

Perhaps it will help Bluetree to sense if things are going in an unwanted direction in any of those cases she is dealing with.

[Zen]

Reminds me of the old cliche "my wife doesn't understand me"

[Mr. Bloom]

Reminds me of the old cliche "my wife doesn't understand me"

Huh?

[Crankin]

It's what men would say to women that they were hitting on...
like an excuse for their bad behavior.

[Bruno28]

Reminds me of the old cliche "my wife doesn't understand me"

Right on the nose, as ever

[Miranda]

WOW, this is quite a thread. There is a whole lot I could say, but how about this for one thing (in addition to what has already been said)...

OK, you say you are friends ALSO with the wives of these guys (or aquiants etc.)? Umm, what happens if the WIVES start talking to you ALSO or mention something, ask your opinion, etc.

That is where the guys reaaally need to get a big dose of stfu medicine. If they have any brains what so ever, any respect for you as a friend/aquiant, etc. they ***should*** understand if you mention how ackward/uncomfortable this topic would be if presented by their SO...

Like... are ya suppose to lie for them? Tell the truth? Fumble the question... and maybe have their wives brains start working overtime as to why you are having trouble answering?

Ahh, yea... that's got all kinds of possibilities to it *shudders*.

[Irulan]

W
That is where the guys reaaally need to get a big dose of stfu medicine.

totally awesome!!!!