on being a mom

[Biciclista]

Ca, that was not the reason I had kids, it's just I've heard a lot of people who looked back and realized that this is part of what having families is all about. You take care of them and they take care of you.
It's not about spending all your money so you have to move in with your kids, it's about the possibility that you might lose your mind, and who would you rather took care of you, some strangers, or someone who loves and cares about you.

I also agree with the gal who just said, don't have kids unless you are willing to give them your ALL, because that's what they need. Kids aren't like pets, you can't get rid of them once you don't like them any more. They are the most incredible commitment. When you're at your sickest, your weakest most miserable moment, your child is going to need you. Having kids taught me that I can do almost anything. And unless you are really lucky, you will find that your family support group tends to not be there when you need help caring for those kids. I think Raleighdon and I were child-free for 4 evenings in the first 7 years and 1 overnight.

[Tuckervill]

I think one advantage parents have over childless people is that we have all been childless at one point, but the currently childless have never been parents. Thus, I would give more credence to the parent's arguments for or against, than the childless.

Karen

[Biciclista]

I think one advantage parents have over childless people is that we have all been childless at one point, but the currently childless have never been parents. Thus, I would give more credence to the parent's arguments for or against, than the childless.

Karen

I can't agree with that either. I have some very wise friends who have never had children. Because they didn't have kids doesn't mean that their decisions aren't good.

The bottom line is what you want. You can get all our opinions all day long, but
pretend to decide. Ok, kids it is. How do you feel?
or Okay, no kids. how does THAT feel?
If you decide to have kids, know it's not going to be easy, but what in life really is? For most of us, the benefits outweigh the difficulties, although when you have a sick 2 year old and a hungry infant and your husband just got home wondering where dinner is, sometimes, it just doesn't seem like it!
it will make you stronger.

[Blueberry]

To clarify-

I didn't mean to imply that anyone on TE decided to have or not have kids based on elder care. I agree, many cultures have it ingrained in them to care for the elderly. And in a loving family, I think it's what happens, and what should happen. I certainly don't have a problem with it. I'm actually the person who generally takes care of my grandmother (taking her to the doctor, etc) because her own kids are too busy and "she can take transportation from her retirement home" (which frequently makes her wait 2+ hours on either side of an appointment).

In many states, there is actually a law on the books requiring that children financially support indigent parents. They aren't often enforced now, but they're there, and there's somewhat of a push to enforce them more.

However, I've had people suggest to me that I should have a child exclusively for that reason (as a retirement policy). That's what I really object to. I think when people choose to have children for that reason, the child generally figures it out. Not good for the child or the parent.

Elder care is really a tough issue, and perhaps a topic not appropriate here. Just wanted to clarify that I wasn't suggesting kids shouldn't take care of their parents

[Tuckervill]

I can't agree with that either. I have some very wise friends who have never had children. Because they didn't have kids doesn't mean that their decisions aren't good.

I was talking about their decisions about parenting, not any decision. Specifically, their choices to believe what they do about the nature of children and parenting them.

Karen

[Irulan]

I was talking about their decisions about parenting, not any decision. Specifically, their choices to believe what they do about the nature of children and parenting them.

Karen

oh, you mean, like "when I have kids,MY children will never act like that...!"
(as your child is laying face down in safeway screaming because you said "no")

bwahahaha... right.

[Blue_Wildflower]

I think one advantage parents have over childless people is that we have all been childless at one point, but the currently childless have never been parents. Thus, I would give more credence to the parent's arguments for or against, than the childless.

Karen

When I was 28, I told my mom I did not want children. Her heart sank. Prior to my 30th birthday, she told me if she had to do it all over again she would live her life exactly as I am living it right now. She loves her kids and all of us (even as adults) come first in her life, but if she had another chance she would not have gotten married at all (which for her also means not having kids). She would have went to college (she eventually went . . . in her 50's) and lived the past 30-40 years of her life single and full of adventures.

Neither party to this thread has an advantage over the other. Even if you are a parent, you still do not know what is ahead of you. You know what you experience and maybe, what will happen the next day. You do not know what raising your teenager will be like until it happens. Sure, you've heard stories. You were a teenager yourself. But, that is all you can go on.

I do not want children not because they are icky. I do not feel superior. Just made a decision based on what I know about myself, what I know of the experience (being the child and through others), and what I want in life.

I've been told that my mind will change when I meet a man I truly love and want to share my life with. We'll see. I am dating a man that does not want kids either (he's snipped), so I do not see that happening. Should my mind (or his) change and it is no longer naturally possible, well, there are lots of kids in this country that need homes. Until that event happens, I accept my decision

[Irulan]

I think one advantage parents have over childless people is that we have all been childless at one point, but the currently childless have never been parents. Thus, I would give more credence to the parent's arguments for or against, than the childless.

Karen

I disagree. I have quite a few friends who are childless by choice. Who am I to argue with what they believe in their heart of hearts is the right choice for them?

[Aggie_Ama]

I am 27 (nearly 28), married 5 years. DH is 28. Neither of us want children now and are beginning to wonder if we ever will. When we got married it was a deal breaker for both of us, I wouldn't marry a man who didn't want kids. Couldn't have would be different but didn't want no way. DH and I have both realized we are quite selfishly content kidless. His little brother has kids and thinks they were a blessing (first one was a oopsie). I see them as a burden if they were in MY life.

I don't know that I won't go back to wanting them but I do know I will not have children without wanting them. My father was put in foster care at 3 years old because his mother died and his father could not handle the burden of 3 children. He was not outright adopted until he was 8 years old after bouncing to a relatives for a bit then back in the system. If I have a kid they will be wanted and I take every precaution to make sure we have that choice. Maybe my own father's feelings about his birth family and what he went through shaped me, I don't know. My brother was "wanted but earlier than my parents planned" and they always thought of us both a the biggest gift in the world. I just don't see children as that for me, yet?

[Tuckervill]

I disagree. I have quite a few friends who are childless by choice. Who am I to argue with what they believe in their heart of hearts is the right choice for them?

We're talking about someone trying to make a decision, here. There's no doubt there are happy people who are childless and happy that way. If it were me, I'd give more credence to someone who has been on both sides. That's the advantage they have in this argument. (I use the term argument in the academic sense.)

Karen