on being a mom

[polly4711]

My parents had me at 39. They weren't sure that they wanted kids. One thing that they did to test out (and you have to have tough skin for this one) is that they became foster parents for younger children. After some time, they decided that they wanted a child, and well, Thanksgiving 1985 had me (gotta love it when your dad is on pain meds and volunteer all sorts of wonderful information).

Anyways... you still have a few years in you. Yes, money can be a factor, but you can also give your child a wonderful life at a much less cost with being creative.

Personally, my mom is glad that she had me. She has been able to give to the community while being a great mom by helping out in the class room, leading my Girl Scout troops, helping drive other kids to practices, etc.

It's a tough decision, I wish you the best. Please keep me updated.

JP

[channlluv]

I respect your feelings and your decision, but I want to share my experience, too, briefly. I'll spare you all the medical details, but I've lost five children to miscarriage. I have one - quite literally - miracle child, because a doctor listened to me and let me follow my intuition. God bless Vera Barile, wherever she is.

I never felt more goddess-like than when I was pregnant and then nursing my baby. I was never much of a baby person, either. I enjoyed kids okay, but I never went ga-ga over them. There's not a whole lot in my life I've done extremely well, but I have to say, I thoroughly enjoyed being pregnant. I really did. Feeling that little life growing inside me, it was amazing.

That opinion that it's different when it's your own...true for some, not so much for others, I guess, but man, it was true for me.

If you do get pregnant, you're in for the greatest love affair of your life.

Peace and good health to you, whatever your decision.

Roxy

[jesvetmed]

This is similar to what I've been going through for several years. I was the child of an "oops", and raised by my grandparents. They ended up adopting me. They were wonderful, but not without issues.

But overall, family hasn't been a strong suit in my life. I always loved the idea of a big family coming home on holidays, etc.. you know, the belief in the "typical American Family". But the realities that I see made that picture less believable.

At any rate, I married at 29 yrs, back to school at 28 for 4 years, new time-consuming and energy-consuming career by 32, and big student loan bills (I'm still paying them )

We kept saying we weren't ready for kids, we could have them later. I kept thinking that the desire would hit me some day. DH teaches high school. He "has 120 kids of his own" every day. He has always said if I think I want a child, say the word, but he doesn't really have the desire enough to ask me to have them.

So I think we were both waiting for the other to feel the need. So far, it hasn't happened. We are 42 and 43 now. Sure, we still could have them, but my gosh -- we'd be old when they were teenagers! And neither of us have any desire, still.

So we've come to terms with that decision, and have full lives and good friends. We have his family (my parents have both passed away), and that is enough. Many of our friends with children are hitting their empty nests as their kids are heading off to college.

Will I be sorry when I'm 50 or 60... who knows. Maybe. But for now, I am happy with the decision (or in this case -- lack of making a decision for so long )

Follow your heart in whatever you feel. It will be the right decision for YOU.

[MomOnBike]

OK, from my point of view, kids are expensive. And I went the thrift-store, make our own pleasures route - until the needed More.

More education tops the list, the younger daughter is going to one of the Big Eastern Universities That Everybody Has Heard Of But Nobody Can Afford. That one took up fencing and last year fenced her way into the NCAA finals. Fencing is an expensive sport that she happens to love and is good at.

The elder daughter is/was less expensive, but still was a financial drain.

In my opinion, you shouldn't have kids (dogs, horses, rats, etc.) unless you are willing to give them what helps make them the best they can be. And that is expensive - in time if nothing else.

I'd have a nicer house, more bikes, nicer clothes, and a bunch of other things without my children. But in the end, that is just Stuff.

That's the bad news. The good news is there is no feeling on earth as wonderful as being proud of your children. That's not Stuff, that's Real.

So, have a baby or not? It's your call, of course, but being a parent is the hardest job you will ever do. Don't let anyone tell you different. But there are rewards, however intangible they may be.

[Miranda]

Wow, this is quite a thread...

Well, I was one of those people that never wanted kids. Couldn't stand them. Couldn't stand people telling me I had to have them, etc. But, I did...

At pushing 30, I had my first, then a second at 32. I was also a surprise unwanted change of life baby myself. With teenagers ready to leave the house, along I came for my mom at 40. The first thing the doc asked her was if she wanted to abort me. But, here I am. Mom said she cried for two weeks straight because she didn't want everyone to think she was my gray headed grandma, vs mom. Now, turning 80 this year, she says that I kept her young. We are very close.

I became pregnant (by choice) as I was finishing my MBA, and had a career that I made more $ than my DH. All of our non-kid friends couldn't believe it. Then, they thought I had really lost it when I kissed corporate America good-bye to be with my baby at home. I telecommuted part time, and regret the time away doing even that.

I would have never ever thought even MYSELF that I would be a mom. I say phooey on those people who tell you do it "because". If it's right, it will come.

[vinbek]

I was a career girl. Liked making money. No time for anything but myself. I married my husband at 37. I never was around kids. Never babysat. It wasn't that I didn't like them, they were just never on the radar screen for me. At 40 I got pregnant and delivered at the age of 41. I had a wonderful job, good money, all the stuff we all like and plenty of time to train on my bike. I ended up quitting my job when my daughter was 2.5 - I just couldn't do it all and wanted to be a better mother than my own - but that's another story. I got pregnant again and miscarried. Then did a GIFT procedure and it worked the first time. I was pregnant with twins and miscarried one. My son was born at age 44. I am glad with my choices. It was hard adjusting to not working- my identity was totally tied up with what I did and not who I was, but now the kids are old enough that we really enjoy biking and skiing together. We are very active. I have found some new work opportunities both at church and at school - using the creative side of my brain rather than the numbers crunching side. My older sister had one child and swore she would never have another. She hated the whole birth experience. My younger sister never had children - she has adopted mine for fun and games. She and her husband help disadvantaged children from time to time and enjoy their life together without children. I try to stay in the moment. Enjoy where I am and not project into the past or into the future too much.

[indysteel]

What a timely thread, as I'm pondering these issues myself. I'm 39 and getting increasingly serious with a man who is younger than me. We've started to discuss our future and, clearly, my ever-decreasing fertility is a major issue. I've long felt ambivalent about having kids, but now that I'm in a loving relationship, I've started to think about having one. That decision, which is complicated enough as is, is further complicated by the fact that my BF is not under the same biological exigency that I'm under. We have a lot to think about and a lot to discuss. It's not going to be easy.

[Tuckervill]

Mom of two in college, I have to make a few comments.

The money thing is in some ways, total BS. The little princes and princesses do NOT have to have the best of everything. There are lots of ways to do really cool things with your kids that do not require a huge outlay.

My nursery was decorated in "garage sale". The designer clothes were handmedowns, as were many of their toys. We skipped the team sports thing. We didn't eat a lot of fast food. We made a lot of trips to the library, skipped the play station....you get the picture. My city has free kids concerts once a month. You just have to get creative.

What if your kid HATES ballet? The boy who is going to want to do it is rare, and I'll caution you right now that forcing what you think a kid should learn can sometimes backfire.

And as for the snowboarding thing....We are a very active outdoors family. When the youngest was 18 mos old, DH joined the ski patrol so we could get family passes. Youngest was on the ski hill on leashes, before he was out of diapers. We did LOTS of camping, family raft trips, ski trips, etc. Sure, it's a ton more work, but when people tell me that their active lifestyle ended with kids... another load of crap. They are just too lazy to figure out how to make it work. That's their choice of course.

And you can take them out of school for a week. We've done it for raft trips ( 10 days in Alaska) and ski trips. They can bring their homework along. The only times this didn't work was when each kid was a senior in HS.

I've got issues with your friend telling you that you NEED to have a kid etc. Granted its become an important part of her life, but that may not be what's right for you.

It's never black and white. So many ways to do it or not do it. Listen to what is right for your family ( which could just be the two of you)

Yeah, thanks. I agree.

One thing people who have kids DO sacrifice is thinking in absolutes. Saying "should, will, must, always, never" goes right out the window when there's another free will involved. Those of you without children may need to remember that there, but for your choices, go you!

All of us are "blind" about children, what it will do to us, what it won't. What might have been if we had not had them. I resent the implication that people who choose to be childless are somehow superior at knowing themselves, and especially superior at guessing what childrearing is like, and how it will affect them and their lives. You don't know what you don't know. Sure, you may have an inkling of what you can't tolerate. Knowing your limits is a wonderful thing. But I often hear fear and ignorance in expression of those limits. If you want to be open to children, be open to the idea that you might change your mind about a lot of things.

I also resent when someone says that babies are gross and icky. I think it's an insult on a human dignity level, and one should take a look at their own naked selves, and maybe predict the future, too, when one may be icky and gross again and someone else has to clean up after them. It's how we all are. Gross and icky with obvious bodily functions, and by gosh our emotions are out there sometimes, too, for all the world to see! Don't hold it against the creatures that are new to this Earth, because it was you, and it will be you again some day.

I am also continually dismayed that the religious idea that humans are born sinful has so invaded our society and our collective psyche that most people do not see babies, children or others of any age as basically good, and afford them the human dignity of all that entails. Children are not born whining. They are born crying to get their needs met, a biological call-and-answer, and if their needs are met, they don't learn to whine.

Please do not have children if you do not want them.

Karen

[Biciclista]

I was never going to have kids, and i didn't like babies either. (I'm surprised to see so many people like us here on this board!)

I married a guy who didn't ever want to have kids either, so I thought that was going to be it. Trouble is, I was already PG 2 weeks into the marriage and Dear Raleighdon started talking to my belly so we decided to become parents. It's the hardest thing I ever did. After having one, I did decide two was a better number, and while I was pregnant with #2 Raleighdon decided enough was enough and had a vasectomy. (Good thinking, after #2, I was wondering what a third would be like!)
Raising two little high energy boys wore me out! Most of the time with them, I was not really enjoying them until my older son hit puberty, and my ugly duckling (he wasn't ugly) became a beautiful swan. As my sons sank into their sulky adolescence, they stopped bouncing off the walls and became pleasant company for me! Thanks to their dad, they also became very gallant and respectful, as gentlemen should be. My sons are wonderful, and having them was the best mistake I ever made!

There's another reason to have kids. WHo's going to take care of you when you're old?!

And please, don't call yourself selfish for not having kids. Having children is often a very selfish act. Call yourself wise, pat yourself on the back for not contributing to the population. If anyone gives you crap for not having kids, they need to put their head right back up their butt where it belongs. It's your right and your decision, and it's no more selfish than any other decision.

Good luck.

[Blueberry]

This topic seems to be quite timely for a bunch of us. I can't swear I won't change my mind, but right now I'm in the no-kid mentality.

There's another reason to have kids. WHo's going to take care of you when you're old?!

I have to respectfully disagree with this. I think it's the exact wrong reason to have a child. Regardless of whether I choose to have children or not, I'll be doing as much as I can to plan for my retirement. I've become increasingly frustrated watching my friends who are struggling to care for their adult parents. While I feel for those who have not had the means to save during their lives, many have simply lived it up - driving expensive cars, taking lavish vacations, etc. Now, they expect their kids to take care of them.

I'm really sorry if I sound harsh - I don't mean to. It's just hitting close to home (and threatening my DH's relationship with his brother).

CA

[Irulan]

In some cultures it's very traditional and typical for the adult children take care of aging parents. It used to be the norm in more cultures, but it seems like the concept of extended family is really going by the wayside.

[Biciclista]

Ca, that was not the reason I had kids, it's just I've heard a lot of people who looked back and realized that this is part of what having families is all about. You take care of them and they take care of you.
It's not about spending all your money so you have to move in with your kids, it's about the possibility that you might lose your mind, and who would you rather took care of you, some strangers, or someone who loves and cares about you.

I also agree with the gal who just said, don't have kids unless you are willing to give them your ALL, because that's what they need. Kids aren't like pets, you can't get rid of them once you don't like them any more. They are the most incredible commitment. When you're at your sickest, your weakest most miserable moment, your child is going to need you. Having kids taught me that I can do almost anything. And unless you are really lucky, you will find that your family support group tends to not be there when you need help caring for those kids. I think Raleighdon and I were child-free for 4 evenings in the first 7 years and 1 overnight.

[Tuckervill]

I think one advantage parents have over childless people is that we have all been childless at one point, but the currently childless have never been parents. Thus, I would give more credence to the parent's arguments for or against, than the childless.

Karen

[Biciclista]

I think one advantage parents have over childless people is that we have all been childless at one point, but the currently childless have never been parents. Thus, I would give more credence to the parent's arguments for or against, than the childless.

Karen

I can't agree with that either. I have some very wise friends who have never had children. Because they didn't have kids doesn't mean that their decisions aren't good.

The bottom line is what you want. You can get all our opinions all day long, but
pretend to decide. Ok, kids it is. How do you feel?
or Okay, no kids. how does THAT feel?
If you decide to have kids, know it's not going to be easy, but what in life really is? For most of us, the benefits outweigh the difficulties, although when you have a sick 2 year old and a hungry infant and your husband just got home wondering where dinner is, sometimes, it just doesn't seem like it!
it will make you stronger.

[Blueberry]

To clarify-

I didn't mean to imply that anyone on TE decided to have or not have kids based on elder care. I agree, many cultures have it ingrained in them to care for the elderly. And in a loving family, I think it's what happens, and what should happen. I certainly don't have a problem with it. I'm actually the person who generally takes care of my grandmother (taking her to the doctor, etc) because her own kids are too busy and "she can take transportation from her retirement home" (which frequently makes her wait 2+ hours on either side of an appointment).

In many states, there is actually a law on the books requiring that children financially support indigent parents. They aren't often enforced now, but they're there, and there's somewhat of a push to enforce them more.

However, I've had people suggest to me that I should have a child exclusively for that reason (as a retirement policy). That's what I really object to. I think when people choose to have children for that reason, the child generally figures it out. Not good for the child or the parent.

Elder care is really a tough issue, and perhaps a topic not appropriate here. Just wanted to clarify that I wasn't suggesting kids shouldn't take care of their parents