on being a mom

[Irulan]

Don't let what others want cloud your choice. I am a very firm believer in that every baby should be wanted and loved, and born into a stable home with two parents committed to each other.

[badger]

thanks, everyone!

One of the things that's really leaning me towards not having a child is the money factor. Let's face it, they're expensive, and will only get more expensive as they get older because I would want to expose the child to as much as possible in terms of culture and sports. Piano, ballet (every child should take ballet, boy or a girl, such a great launching pad for all other sports!), swimming, etc. aren't cheap!

Another thing I'm hesitant in giving up is my freedom and our "let's go snowboarding this week" mentality where we'll pick up and go in the middle of February. We won't be able to do that with a child in school.

I have a good friend who is a mother of a 16 month old. She is always telling me I need, yes, NEED to have one because she loves her son so much. That may be so, but I also see her staying up all night with his fever, worrying to death that his iron count is low, and getting hit by his wayward fists when he's having a whiny fit, and generally letting herself go for the sake of her son (she's lives/breathes for him, which I find a bit unhealthy).

But on the other hand, I'll see my 10 year old niece and realize just what a neat kid she is, how much fun I would have with my own discovering stuff I'm interested in (assuming he/she will share that interest!!).

It's not like I have a whole lot of time to ruminate over this, I'll be 38 in a couple of months and my boyfriend will be 42 in April. Maybe the decision will be made for us in not conceiving anyways!

[Becky]

Badger, I can understand your feelings, mostly because they are so much like my own on this subject. I'm not sure that I can share any wisdom, but I want to thank you for posting this and opening up this discussion.

[Irulan]

thanks, everyone!

One of the things that's really leaning me towards not having a child is the money factor. Let's face it, they're expensive, and will only get more expensive as they get older because I would want to expose the child to as much as possible in terms of culture and sports. Piano, ballet (every child should take ballet, boy or a girl, such a great launching pad for all other sports!), swimming, etc. aren't cheap!

Another thing I'm hesitant in giving up is my freedom and our "let's go snowboarding this week" mentality where we'll pick up and go in the middle of February. We won't be able to do that with a child in school.

I have a good friend who is a mother of a 16 month old. She is always telling me I need, yes, NEED to have one because she loves her son so much. That may be so, but I also see her staying up all night with his fever, worrying to death that his iron count is low, and getting hit by his wayward fists when he's having a whiny fit, and generally letting herself go for the sake of her son (she's lives/breathes for him, which I find a bit unhealthy).

But on the other hand, I'll see my 10 year old niece and realize just what a neat kid she is, how much fun I would have with my own discovering stuff I'm interested in (assuming he/she will share that interest!!).

It's not like I have a whole lot of time to ruminate over this, I'll be 38 in a couple of months and my boyfriend will be 42 in April. Maybe the decision will be made for us in not conceiving anyways!

Mom of two in college, I have to make a few comments.

The money thing is in some ways, total BS. The little princes and princesses do NOT have to have the best of everything. There are lots of ways to do really cool things with your kids that do not require a huge outlay.

My nursery was decorated in "garage sale". The designer clothes were handmedowns, as were many of their toys. We skipped the team sports thing. We didn't eat a lot of fast food. We made a lot of trips to the library, skipped the play station....you get the picture. My city has free kids concerts once a month. You just have to get creative.

What if your kid HATES ballet? The boy who is going to want to do it is rare, and I'll caution you right now that forcing what you think a kid should learn can sometimes backfire.

And as for the snowboarding thing....We are a very active outdoors family. When the youngest was 18 mos old, DH joined the ski patrol so we could get family passes. Youngest was on the ski hill on leashes, before he was out of diapers. We did LOTS of camping, family raft trips, ski trips, etc. Sure, it's a ton more work, but when people tell me that their active lifestyle ended with kids... another load of crap. They are just too lazy to figure out how to make it work. That's their choice of course.

And you can take them out of school for a week. We've done it for raft trips ( 10 days in Alaska) and ski trips. They can bring their homework along. The only times this didn't work was when each kid was a senior in HS.

I've got issues with your friend telling you that you NEED to have a kid etc. Granted its become an important part of her life, but that may not be what's right for you.

It's never black and white. So many ways to do it or not do it. Listen to what is right for your family ( which could just be the two of you)

[Tri Girl]

I'm in the same situatuion as you, Badger. I don't like babies (except for looking at them and thinking- how cute). I don't have a motherly bone in me. I teach (I guess I do have a teeny motherly bone for that) and I think that's the reason I don't want my own children. I see how difficult it can be. I'm not blinded and think that they are so wonderful and life will be greater with them, etc. I know it's darn hard work to be a good parent (and I also see everyday how easy it is to be a bad parent).

When I was little I always wanted kids. Now that I'm 35, I don't think so. I have 17 neices and nephews. I'm totally at peace and OK with my decision. DH is too. I don't think it's selfish, I think it's responsible and honest. We love our freedom, being able to travel at a moment's notice, and our carefree life. If we accidentally get pregnant, so be it- we'll love the little one with all our hearts. But if I get pregnant, it'll be because that child was SO supposed to be here (we use multiple methods of BC).

In our society, something is seen as being wrong with you if you don't have children. It's expected that you'll grow up, get married, and reproduce. After 12.5 years of marriage, people have finally stopped asking us "when are you going to have a little one?" My mom still says "who will take care of you when you get old?" and I always respond "my 401K."
Every one of my friends (but one) has children. They all LOVE being moms and always talk all about their kids (and I share my dog stories), but I love not being a mom. To each his own.

I think whatever happens is supposed to happen. I'm kind of a believer in fate. Good or bad things happen for reasons, and if it's supposed to be, it'll be.

I guess there were no words of wisdom, but wanted you to know you're certainly not alone.

[lph]

Irulan, nice post, we've done a lot of the same activities. Tri Girl, wouldn'cha know, it's not enough to have one... I've had total strangers come up to me and comment on our single bike trailer and ask - "but aren't you going to have ANOTHER one?" Uh, like it's any of your business??

[sundial]

Fate decided for me. I have never regretted having children. For the money I could have been spending on my children, I am able to help others in need.

[rocknrollgirl]

I am 47, and chose not to have children years ago, when it "just was not done". When I turned 30, was married and had a home, all I heard EVERY day from my coworkers was "when are you going to have a baby?". I love kids, I teach school, I love my neices and nephews. I just did not want to have any.

I have been happily married for 20 + years, love my job, love my life.

So, my advice, if you have a single doubt, do not do it, and I know that they say that you are never "ready" to have a baby, but I think that if you have to ask the question you already know the answer. And it is ok.....

[greycoral]

Mom of two in college, I have to make a few comments.

The money thing is in some ways, total BS. The little princes and princesses do NOT have to have the best of everything. There are lots of ways to do really cool things with your kids that do not require a huge outlay.

My nursery was decorated in "garage sale". The designer clothes were handmedowns, as were many of their toys. We skipped the team sports thing. We didn't eat a lot of fast food. We made a lot of trips to the library, skipped the play station....you get the picture. My city has free kids concerts once a month. You just have to get creative.

What if your kid HATES ballet? The boy who is going to want to do it is rare, and I'll caution you right now that forcing what you think a kid should learn can sometimes backfire.

And as for the snowboarding thing....We are a very active outdoors family. When the youngest was 18 mos old, DH joined the ski patrol so we could get family passes. Youngest was on the ski hill on leashes, before he was out of diapers. We did LOTS of camping, family raft trips, ski trips, etc. Sure, it's a ton more work, but when people tell me that their active lifestyle ended with kids... another load of crap. They are just too lazy to figure out how to make it work. That's their choice of course.

And you can take them out of school for a week. We've done it for raft trips ( 10 days in Alaska) and ski trips. They can bring their homework along. The only times this didn't work was when each kid was a senior in HS.

I've got issues with your friend telling you that you NEED to have a kid etc. Granted its become an important part of her life, but that may not be what's right for you.

It's never black and white. So many ways to do it or not do it. Listen to what is right for your family ( which could just be the two of you)

Loved what you wrote. I am 30, will be 31 in a couple months. I never really had the desire to have children, like some ladies here have said, if it happened, cool. If not, whatever. But the last year, my hormones have been in OVERDRIVE. Many of my close girlfriends have had babies, and it's making me want one myself. I have always thought too, about the money issue. Right now, I don't have health insurance. I am unemployed. But I am also a full time student, and will be finishing up my degree in the next year and a half. My husband is also a student and working part time...we get by with student loans, some help from family, and he gets the GI bill, which covers our mortgage and a few other bills. So many of my friends have said nothing can prepare you for having a baby. And you can always make do. Our plan is to try to have one next year, to have it in the summertime so I have time to get used to the baby while not being in school. We definitely have enough $$ for food, diapers, clothes etc, and since we're low income, we will qualify for a lot of state programs to help out with doctor visits. It'll only be until we graduate, where I'm sure we'll be able to find jobs with our own health insurance. I just don't want to have my first child when I'm close to 40. Maybe that's fine for some, but not for me. My mom had my brother when she was almost 40, and it was extremely difficult on her physically and emotionally.

All that being said, I grew up being raised by a single mom and I'm A-OK with thrift stores, garage sales, etc. I actually do most of my shopping that way even as an adult. I'm also a fan of the library, and going on hikes, jogs, etc...my husband and I are very outdoorsy people, and that would definitely be carried over into our new lifestyle with baby. I'm so excited to start a family and bring our relationship to a new level. We both cannot wait, but it'll be another 9 months before we start trying for one. Ackk!

[fastdogs]

I was 46 when I had Andy. I never wanted children- didn't like them, couldn't relate to them. I never knew anything about them or paid any attention when women would gather to talk about them- no appeal at all to me.
After a 20 year army career, and a disastrous marraige, I met someone who actually made me think about it, way back in the recesses of my mind, just a little.
I agreed to go off birth control, and if it happened, it happened. I was sure I had no maternal instincts, and my dogs were my children. Everyone said when I had kids my whole life would change, and that the dogs would be out the door.
Well, my whole life did change, for the better I think. I live and breathe for him, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. However, the dogs were NOT out the door. I continued racing them, and my husband would either watch Andy or I'd bring him along. I continued traveling out to wyoming to chase jackrabbits with the dogs, and my husband would watch Andy while I was out in the field all day, or he'd stay home and I'd travel by myself.
I had already lived in other countries and traveled around for 46 years, I guess I don't mind being tied down a bit. I kmow others who didn't change their active lifestyle with a new baby, they just incdorporate them into it. I still have a career, same one I had before, and the daycare IS expensive. I won't be having another one, I'm too old, but the only regret I have is not having him earlier in my second marraige- I NEVER regret not having him when I was in my 20s and 30s.
And maternal instincts? I have a lot to learn still about kids and babies and school and stuff, after a lifetime of ignoring all that, but the same instincts that guide me in caring for helpless animals work for babies too.
My dogs are retired now, but I recently drove to wyoming to judge a jackrabbit coursing event, and Andy and DH traveled along, and I communicated with Andy by radio while I judged and his dad amused him back at the cars for the day. After, we all took my old dogs out for a walk and let them chase a jackrabbit or two. It's even more fun now with my two guys along.
vickie

[Irulan]

It helps, I'm sure, you don't have to learn "child handling" from scratch, and may have more confidence and patience, but it's not necessary.

Here's a thought.

I did. I was confident that I did not want to raise my kids with only what I knew from the home I grew up in: dysfunction, abuse etc. I took tons of free parenting classes from various sources, and basically did learn new things, from scratch. Nothing like breaking the chain.

[Biciclista]

I was never going to have kids, and i didn't like babies either. (I'm surprised to see so many people like us here on this board!)

I married a guy who didn't ever want to have kids either, so I thought that was going to be it. Trouble is, I was already PG 2 weeks into the marriage and Dear Raleighdon started talking to my belly so we decided to become parents. It's the hardest thing I ever did. After having one, I did decide two was a better number, and while I was pregnant with #2 Raleighdon decided enough was enough and had a vasectomy. (Good thinking, after #2, I was wondering what a third would be like!)
Raising two little high energy boys wore me out! Most of the time with them, I was not really enjoying them until my older son hit puberty, and my ugly duckling (he wasn't ugly) became a beautiful swan. As my sons sank into their sulky adolescence, they stopped bouncing off the walls and became pleasant company for me! Thanks to their dad, they also became very gallant and respectful, as gentlemen should be. My sons are wonderful, and having them was the best mistake I ever made!

There's another reason to have kids. WHo's going to take care of you when you're old?!

And please, don't call yourself selfish for not having kids. Having children is often a very selfish act. Call yourself wise, pat yourself on the back for not contributing to the population. If anyone gives you crap for not having kids, they need to put their head right back up their butt where it belongs. It's your right and your decision, and it's no more selfish than any other decision.

Good luck.

[Blueberry]

This topic seems to be quite timely for a bunch of us. I can't swear I won't change my mind, but right now I'm in the no-kid mentality.

There's another reason to have kids. WHo's going to take care of you when you're old?!

I have to respectfully disagree with this. I think it's the exact wrong reason to have a child. Regardless of whether I choose to have children or not, I'll be doing as much as I can to plan for my retirement. I've become increasingly frustrated watching my friends who are struggling to care for their adult parents. While I feel for those who have not had the means to save during their lives, many have simply lived it up - driving expensive cars, taking lavish vacations, etc. Now, they expect their kids to take care of them.

I'm really sorry if I sound harsh - I don't mean to. It's just hitting close to home (and threatening my DH's relationship with his brother).

CA

[Mistie]

I did not want to have one when I was in early-mid 20's. Then, I had an ooops that I miscarried after 14 weeks. I felt the early kicks. It was amazing! Then, I realized (after the miscarriage) that maybe I did want a kid. So, after two months, I was in the green. I got to 24 months and almost died. I lost her too because I have two (Jewish and not a Jew in my family) blood clotting diseases. After that, we tried again and I lost the third at 8 weeks. Docs told me I would do best to stop trying and start living. Ex-DH and I could not get over the losses and divorced. I married my childhood sweetheart two years later. I got pregnant in 2 months. With A LOT of assistance (blood thinners, drugs, etc.), I had a normal little boy who is both the air that I breathe and the frustration I can get. He was not costly, I breastfed for 8 months (free!). His clothes were all and still are from a second-hand store. My mother gets him new stuff. He is not a huge eater. What used to be leftovers are smaller because he gets a portion. Diapers are expensive, but I got a book about teaching them early on about potty (some native thing) and he learned and is doing very well. We go out often. Our activities have changed some, no riding together as much and the park has become our friend. We do get away, my mom takes him a week in the summer and a week over Christmas. When he gets older, we should be able to do more with him. I pulled him in a trailer outside, even when it is cold. When he was fussy, this would help him to sleep. The cold air was great at getting him to sleep. We have had an easy baby. He slept through the night at 3 months, starting solids at 5, potty trained at 20. I can't imagine my life without him. Something my mother told me (as a fan of Dr. Rosemond) is that the baby should not be the center of your life, but you are the center of his life. So, we have done this.

[shootingstar]

Biciclista- I can imagine raleighdon chatting up to your pregnant belly at that time.

As for who will look after/look out for the childless in old age... We do need to take a hard look and be aware that quite a number of the elderly are left to their own devices. And some where their adult children don't visit /communicate at all to isolated/frail parent(s). To me, that is very heartbreaking after all those early years of loving and caring a baby/child.

And there are some awfully selfish adult children who expect their aging parents to still cover certain expenses/assist in mortgages, when parents may not have much in the way of assets, themselves to enjoy their retirement years.

Tuckerville:
It is very heartstopping to think there are some people in this world who shouldn't have been a parent in the first place due to their prolonged physically abusive behaviour to their own children.

So self-knowledge of one's own limits could have saved some lives/trauma of others.

I know for myself that whenever a friend/acquaintance chatted excitedly about wanting a child or having their imminent child about to be born, I would feel...nothing. No excitement, no longing, no regret. Nothing. And that feeling kept on persisting over and over.

And it got tested again when I met and fell for my guy who already had 2 children. The opportunity presented itself..again...did I want to assume a mother role? No.

I only mention my scenario, since compared to 50 years ago, there are now more 2nd (and 3rd) marriages / relationship involving children from previous marriages where a childless partner needs to have their eyes wide open and consider all factors if they want to assume a parent role.