Christmas Drama

[KathiCville]

Everyone has a lot of good advice to offer, smurf, so I'm not sure that I can really add much. But I'll try! I stopped having Christmas with my family about 30 years ago (I'm 50). My parents had died while I was in my teens, my brothers were uninterested in family gatherings. For a while, in college and for a few years beyond, I eagerly accepted invitations from friends to join their families, only to discover that doing so generally put me smack in the middle of THEIR family angst, LOL!

By the time I was in my late twenties, I resolved to enjoy Christmas MY way. It hasn't always been easy--some years I've felt a little out of the loop of humanity--but with each passing year I enjoy doing my 'own thing' more and more.

Some years I've taken my dog to a rented cabin in the mountains and done a nice long hike on Christmas Day. Other times (pre-dog), I indulged in a stay at a nice B&B somewhere. Other times I've stayed home, made myself a nice meal, watched classic Christmas movies, belted out the Hallelujah Chorus at top volume, curled up with a good book, and just enjoyed the peace and quiet. (After I'm finished singing, that is!) A couple of times in recent years I *have* joined a dearly-loved cousin and his family at their house in New Jersey----great fun, nice folks, loving atmosphere, but a little more focused on pricey gifts than fits my low-key concept of Christmas.

This year my boyfriend and I will probably just stay put, maybe do a nice long bike ride together that day, certainly take my dog for a walk at her favorite park, hop on the local free trolley to see the town's most over-the-top Christmas decorations, cook a meal we don't normally take the time to make, and take a casserole to our favorite elderly friends.

At any rate, here are my thoughts about your situation, smurf:

First, don't go home, if you don't want to. You'll just be tense and miserable the whole time. Give yourself permission to keep the focus on making the holiday positive. If that means politely steering clear of your family, at least for the moment, so be it. (My two cents') And keep in mind for the future that what appears to be 'perfect' in your brother's life might not be as perfect as you think. You might be crediting him with more happiness and contentment than he actually has. Five years from now you might find out that a lot of what you thought was real was not.

So, thank your mom for her generous gesture, but tell her (if it's true---and it sounds like it is) that your new job is important and you truly aren't in a position timewise to travel this year. That takes the focus off of the family aspect of your reluctance. (I agree with others who suggest visiting at another time of year, when the emotional pressure is less.....)

Then, contribute to their celebration by sending a single nice gift for the WHOLE gang, timed for arrival three or four days before they're gathering. (Again, my two cents') That way, you'll still be 'part' of the festivities, just from a distance.........I think the idea of giving money in their name to charity is great. Or, contribute to the day's festivities by sending them a selection of nice edibles. Or send them gift passes to their local theater, with your best wishes for them to take in a holiday movie together, as your guest.........Or how about signing them all up together for something like an adopt-a-species program (see National Zoo website for ideas) or some environmentally-friendly gesture (one of the plant-a-tree or other programs.) Or how 'bout formally volunteering a day or two in their name (both for yourself and as a gesture to your family) for some meaningful cause that they admire or would feel good about? Doing so might just inspire them to think about their own gift-giving in a different light. And even if it doesn't, your gesture is still very much in the right spirit---giving, even it's 'just' your time and elbow grease to a good cause.

If you do stay home, make sure you make the holiday nice for yourself, in whatever positive ways appeal to you. I think you said you used to love Christmas? If so, be sure to do at least one really traditional Christmas-y thing, even if it's just going out to see Christmas decorations on Christmas Eve, watching your favorite sappy Christmas movie, taking in a holiday concert, or baking your favorite holiday cake/pie/cookie. (I wouldn't dream of missing "White Christmas" and "It's a Wonderful Life"...and, yes, I STILL cry when the whole town shows up on the Baileys' doorstep!)

If doing a bit of volunteer work sounds good, places like the local soup kitchen, animal shelters and nursing homes can always use a hand around the holidays. My dog and I always put a big bag of dog food and a few new toys under the Christmas tree at the local SPCA---a tradition I absolutely cherish. (Sam probably wishes I'd keep a couple of the toys for HER stocking, LOL!) This year, if I know I'll be staying home, I'll volunteer to dog-walk on Christmas Day at the same shelter----they're always desperate for people to fill in for the regulars who leave town for the holidays.

Well, this was longer than I'd planned, smurf, but I hope something that I've said helps to relieve your angst in even a small way or gives you a fresh idea! Keep us posted on what you do!! You're far from alone in wrestling with how to handle the holidays!