Please share: Relationships, Engagement and Marriage

[salsabike]

Another thing we needed to learn was to let go of the 50-50 concept -- if I see you do your part, then I'll do my part; but, if I don't see you do your part, then you better believe I'm not gonna do my part! We had to start looking at ourselves contributing 100% to the marriage, whether or not the other was contributing anything at all. No, I'm not talking about becoming a slave or a doormat. We both committed to the concept, so that each of us was giving 100%. Granted, we don't live up to this 100% of the time, but we try and that makes all the difference.

Hey, I thought WE invented this concept! Thanks for bringing it up!!

No, my parents always told us that too: "A marriage isn't 50%-50%; it's 100%-100%." My dad also used to say, sometimes you should apologize even when you don't think you were wrong. I think they taught me how to leave room, if that makes any sense. I mean, leave room for both of us to be imperfect, to become better, to get a break, to be heard...whatever kind of room is needed so that people don't feel boxed in with no good place to turn. I'm babbling away insensibly but hope you all see what I'm trying to say.

[mtbdarby]

I'm sorry if you felt judged by what we have said. The fact is, my marriage went through some very rough times, including separations.
But one day we looked at each other and realized we were starting to go through the motions. We loved each other too much to watch our marriage go down the tubes. So the both of us (and that's the key, it takes TWO people
to make a marriage work) sat down and scheduled an entire year of weekends, one a month, which would be OUR time. We scheduled hikes, movies, ferry rides, bike rides, all sorts of things that we would do together, our time. It brought joy and romance back into our marriage. and, in fact,
I actually started riding my bike seriously because I realized that my DH and I didn't have any activities any longer that we both liked to do. AND NOW LOOK AT US!

The originator of this thread asked us what worked for us, and this is what worked for me.

Such great advice! Mimi and Irulan - I love hearing about how you make/have made your marriages work. Such wisdom...

Although I am divorced I do not consider that relationship a failure. For me it was a vast learning experience and I would never have learned who I am or what I need from a relationship if it hadn't been for those 13 years.

To quote Dr. Phil "if the cost of being in a relationship is more than the cost of being yourself, than the cost is too much."

I learned to not give up "me" in a relationship. Compromise yes, but not at the cost of changing who I am. Resentment can build at an amazing pace.

It does take two people to make a relationship work but it only takes one person to tear it apart. If the other person wants out and is not willing to try, there is nothing you can do to change that other person. You just have to take care of yourself.

You have to be happy with who you are. You can not rely on someone else to make you happy.

Echoing the others...people are not mind readers. You have to be able to communicate.

Mistakes happen. Do not keep bringing up your partners mistakes in the present. You have to learn to forgive and LET GO.

I've been divorced for 3 years now. I'm happy with who I am and where I'm at and I'm not sure I'm ready to be in a relationship yet or ever. Maybe it's just what Geonz (Sue) said

Dar

[RolliePollie]

I've really enjoyed reading through this thread. Ana, I'm so glad you asked the question!

I'm 34, single, never married, never really had a long term relationship, and currently have no prospects. Lately I've started to realize I've pretty much given up on ever finding anyone, and unfortunately I'm starting to feel a little bitter about it. Reading all of these posts makes me realize how much I do want a relationship! It's just so hard to find a good guy (or any guy at all!)...and I'm not good at meeting new people. But I'm really good at being single and on my own, and I'm proud of myself for being independent. So if the right guy comes along, I'll be absolutely thrilled. But I'm not getting my hopes up!

[Presto]

(can we please keep the election out of these threads....)

Let's remember that OP was looking for experiences on the nature of relationships, and not the legal status of those relationships.

Thank you, Irulan, for your support. That is why I didn't mention election, politics, or legalities in my post. I spoke only about my very personal reaction to the very personal experience of the nature of my relationship.

You young ladies will discover as you get older that there are miracles in every relationship God brings to you. Appreciate them. Be grateful for them. Imagine how you would feel if they were taken from you (by law, illness, death or separation). When you see this great gift before you, then you will find the strength and determination to create a full relationship and live it completely.

Appreciate every thing you have, every moment.

[badger]

I've really enjoyed reading through this thread. Ana, I'm so glad you asked the question!

I'm 34, single, never married, never really had a long term relationship, and currently have no prospects. Lately I've started to realize I've pretty much given up on ever finding anyone, and unfortunately I'm starting to feel a little bitter about it. Reading all of these posts makes me realize how much I do want a relationship! It's just so hard to find a good guy (or any guy at all!)...and I'm not good at meeting new people. But I'm really good at being single and on my own, and I'm proud of myself for being independent. So if the right guy comes along, I'll be absolutely thrilled. But I'm not getting my hopes up!

I was 33 when I met my boyfriend. I, too, haven't had any meaningful long-term relationships and was wondering if there was anything wrong, or I just wasn't meant to be with anyone.

As trite as it was, I gave online dating a go. I was specific, I wrote down all that I wanted, and all that I DIDN'T want. I also just put my "ad" out, and didn't look at any of the guys' profiles. I just waited for what took my bait.

I'm glad that you're not wallowing and waiting for a guy to come along and change your life; you're going about your life and enjoying it. A guy should complement, not complete or complicate your life. I wish you all the best finding that special guy!

[shootingstar]

I'm 34, single, never married, never really had a long term relationship, and currently have no prospects. Lately I've started to realize I've pretty much given up on ever finding anyone, and unfortunately I'm starting to feel a little bitter about it. Reading all of these posts makes me realize how much I do want a relationship! It's just so hard to find a good guy (or any guy at all!)...and I'm not good at meeting new people. But I'm really good at being single and on my own, and I'm proud of myself for being independent. So if the right guy comes along, I'll be absolutely thrilled. But I'm not getting my hopes up!

I was 31 when I met my partner. Before that I was getting impatient with life..so I bought my own home....was getting nicely into setting up my very own home...when several months later..he appeared in life.

And even after meeting my partner, I continued to live in and own my place --but he and I made many visits/stays between his and my place...by bike rides across the city. I suppose the tendency is that 2 people shortly move in to live together but we chose not to do that. And it was in hindsight good..and less stressful on his young teenage children (at that time) whom he had custody/visits arrangements with his ex.

I would like to share something with this forum:

My parents are in a traditional marriage...mother always a full-time housewife. She was picture bride...she never met her future husband for real until she stepped off the plane in Toronto direct from mainland China, to marry my father. She and Dad exchanged photos and wrote letters for a few months. Then just a year after marriage, they had their lst kid, me.

In such relationship, the woman is nearly at the mercy of her husband and often must defer to her hubby..unless she has the resources to leave.

Though the marriage isn't 100% perfect, for certain i know my mother knows she is incredibly lucky to marry a man who never abused her, is hardworking, patient ..and willingly shares household duties and cooking with her,......which is more rare in their generation during their aging years. Through their marriage, I am highly accustomed to a strong marriage as ongoing communication, trust and being united in values, how one runs their lifestyle, finances, etc.

Communication, trust and intimacy is top in our relationship. You have to be each other's sexual , but best friends for life, to make it work and to help one another grow like trees entwined in branches together, but deeply rooted beside one another and to bend well in winds, if necessary.

[OakLeaf]

to help one another grow like trees entwined in branches together, but deeply rooted beside one another and to bend well in winds, if necessary.

What a beautiful metaphor!

[ASammy1]

I am now 30 and was married at 25 to who I thought was my best guy friend. As the marriage went on, I realized he had a drinking problem and I was becoming codependent (which I didn't realize until later in therapy). In Feb 2007, I had had enough after many, many dangerous and embarassing drinking incidents. I told him I was looking for jobs out of state and he could either join me and work on our relationship/drinking problem or stay back-the choice was his. Two months later I was offered my job here in VA and never looked back. We decided we were going to put our house on the market and he would move to VA when the house sold.

Well.... two weeks after I moved, my best female friend of 15 years moved into my house with my husband sleeping in my marriage bed. I had a gut feeling of what was going on, but neither of them would own up to it. I just couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong, so I hacked into his myspace account (his password was our dog's name-not exactly difficult to figure out!) and saw that they had been sending myspace love messages back and forth for weeks. A month later, she was pregnant. Needless to say, our divorce was finalized 6 months later.

Now here is the good news... 3 months after I moved to VA, I stopped into Walgreens on my way home from the gym. I was in the magazine aisle and I went to reach for a certain travel magazine. A guy who was also looking at magazines reached for the same magazine at the same time-cheesy!!! We laughed and struck up a conversation. He was really nice and I didn't know a soul in the area, so I gave him my business card. He called two days later and we've been inseparable ever since. I soon learned that he had gone through a similar situation about a year before me and that his divorce had just been finalized. Neither one of us had any kids either!

We've now been going strong for over a year and I have to say this is the healthiest and strongest relationship I have ever been in. We are very respectful of each other and while there is no immediate plan for marriage, we both know that we want to be together. We have some very similar interests and also very different interests. We do many things together, but also some apart. During the week, our lives are very hectic, but we always make time for each other on the weekends. We are a team. I have his back and he has mine.

I hope this goes to show that even the absolute worst situations can turn out wonderful. Had I not gone through what I did, I never would have met Zack. I am happier now than I have ever been in my adult life. It's amazing how your life can change with the drop of a hat

[Biciclista]

Cool story, Asammy!
we wish you lots of luck. It sounds like that girlfriend of yours did you a HUGE favor!

[ASammy1]

Hey Mimi! Thanks and yes she did!

[Irulan]

And now the icing on cake.... drum roll please...

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND!!!

To gloat about something like is pretty sad, and the situation is a disaster, nothing like a baby growing up in an alcoholic home. (ok, maybe you aren't gloating but that is how it comes across to me on a web board. ) Look I know you are hurt and all that, but try to step out of that for a minute and see how this comes across.

I hope someone suggests Al-anon to her, and maybe to you too.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

[ASammy1]

I didn't mean to come off as gloating and I apologize if I offended. And you are absolutely right that the situation is very sad. I feel terrible for the baby. I was merely trying to show just how bad it was for me and how life did a complete 180. Maybe it was in bad taste on my part and for that I apologize.

[Blueberry]

I don't think you came off as gloating. Certainly sounds like it would have benefited her to listen to you as you were going through that situation. I have every sympathy for the child - but the friend who knowingly put herself in that situation - I have a hard time.

CA

[Irulan]

How can this be applied to the OP's request for wisdom, the good and the bad, help in understanding relationships...

I'm of the mind to comment that when relationships go bad (and I've been there, as close to divorce as you can get and not actually be there) it's never just one person's fault. It's always easy to point a finger and blame, but it's rarely the actions of just one person that makes a relationship go bad. The choices that build up to bad situations may not always be obvious, and we may not even be aware of them as they may be part of our internal baggage that we all have.

The best thing that ever happened to DH and me was a very good marriage counselor, a no nonsense type who got us both to pull our heads out of our asses and quit finger pointing, and to look at ourselves: both of us. It was really really tough as it is so much easier to blame everything that goes wrong on the other person.

I feel blessed to this day that underneath it all we both wanted to fix it, and were willing to do whatever it took - I know that is not always the case, and that some things aren't fixable. It was very very tough. I think plenty of folks would have bailed and not stuck it out, and maybe even repeated the same mistakes that got them into the place they were at becuase they didn't get at the root of it. And Ladies, I'm talking some messy, ugly stuff. I'll spare you the details. But we did it, we stuck it out and rebuilt, and I have a marriage I only could have dreamed of 10 years ago.

i.

[Meaux]

I met my husband when I was 21 and he was 18. We worked together at Barnes and Noble. We started dating a few months later. I had just gotten out of a very intense, but short, relationship and was not at all interested in dating anyone. We have been together for seven years, and have been married for three. He has supported me through finishing college, my father's death, and making the agonizing decision to go back to school and change my career. He is truly my partner and my best friend. I can't say that our marriage is easy, but I will say that because we work at it, it is a lot sweeter. I truly believe that love comes in the strangest places when you are not looking for it.