Mental Depression preventing me cycling

[Tokie]

It sounds like you are very depressed, and need professional help to get back to your old self. I hope you are able to see a psychiatrist or other licensed mental health care professional to get you through this hard time. I know my primary care MD will prescribe anti-depressants, but when you are this stuck in a bad place, you really need someone specialized to see you through your funk! I've been there myself, and slogged to the gym working out, telling myself - I just need endorphins to get myself out of this -. I too grew to hate my usually much enjoyed workout routine. Focus on getting the help you need, and your love and enjoyment of everything in life will come back. It sounds like you need to see someone to help you - right now- not in a few weeks. I know it's hard to ask for help. Hang in there! Tokie

[Miranda]

Awe (((hugs)))... Well, I know I have certainly been where you are. Good that you are going to see the doc soon. I agree with the other posts about mixing things up if you can. And for me, animals & nature are a help... something about them is just so pure and simple, it's cleansing, IMHO.

To me, one theory I had about hating my bike and spinning was that it was part of my "usual life". My "usual life" wasn't going so great. So, anything "usual" (including the bike & spin) was not happy "work". Try out a new class you have never did before. Or, get a guest pass to a totally new gym.

I have a new puppy now with the passing of my dog this summer. Taking her out in the woods to walk just freed me. Animals ask so little of their people, yet give so much back. If you can't/don't own one, go visit or borrow one.

We can't have a cat due to allergies in the house. I visit them at the shelter. When I was feeling like my life was limited, it made me feel better to give a short period of joy to another living creature's life that was way more limited than mine.

The duck/geese feeding folks at the parks become scarce in the cold, just go sit and give them some old bread. Visit a zoo. I feed the wild birds in my backyard too. Last year I bought a heated bird bath. Most people don't realize it's very hard for them to find water in winter. I own an ID book, but you can check it out for free at the library, or use the net. They will come to look forward to seeing you.

I guess the short of the wind above is: find something that helps give your life a new purpose for "being" .

EDIT: Lastly... after a while, you might find that those old "work" things NOW, like the bike and spin, somehow become new again after a break. FWIW... maybe a bit of hope.

[denny]

I think I understand how you may be feeling. I had an acute depressive episode last year. I wasn't cycling at the time, but I did indoor spinning (with some really great music and fantastic instructor) to get me through the worst of it. In fact Spin class was the only thing I actually looked forward to for a while. Unfortunately, I had to stop spinning for a while because it was facilitating a rapid weight loss (20 lbs) at the time that I couldn't afford to lose off my 140 lb frame at 5'8". Spinning seemed to be the only thing to get me outside my head at the time and I had to give it up for 2 months to preserve energy that I was rapidly losing in panic/anxiety attacks and depression. You should have seen me with my nose pressed against the window during class sessions with that pitiful look of "I wish I could be with you all".

I can tell you that IT WILL eventually get better. Excercising increases your chance of beating depression as you may not feel in control of your circumstances but the mental will to complete a pretty hard hill climb or all out sprint on your bike takes you outside the confusion and self defeating thoughts in your head. As another poster stated, try to be around positive, loving, encouraging people at this time. Do not berate or bash yourself for being depressed. It happens to even the strongest people and is not a sign of weakness!!

What started as the ultimate nightmare for me actually ended up showing me just how much kindness, compassion and goodness can be out there from people I didn't know or expect to ever meet. It may take a while for your meds to work and that in itself can be discouraging and downright scary as you may (or not) experience symptoms you may not have expected, but always remember that you won't feel this way forever.

If you don't want to get on your bike or do spin classes, please try another method of excercise. Walk out there in nature. The natural endorphins released during physical exertion is clinically shown to improve your recovery rate it also helps to counteract the inevitable feeling of being in a stupor like state at times. Do not be shy to tell your prescribing physician if the meds are not working!!! Everyone is different!

You stated that you are in a situation that you don't see changing. Ditto been there as well, but make sure you examine if that is truly the case and not just merely in a state of decision paralysis that can hold you hostage too. If at all possible, find a great counselor that you feel comfortable talking with. If you don't feel they are willing to ask the hard questions(as I found a lot of them are) don't be shy about switching to another provider.

Most importantly remind yourself, that this too shall pass and you are still a strong ,wonderful person despite your current circumstances. You will triumph past this season in your life and ultimately come out of it even stronger in heart. Trust in God that he will make it true for you as well.

Hope knowing that you are not alone, helps even a teeny bit. Hugs and encouragement from Atlanta! I'm rooting for you and keeping you in my prayers.

[pardes]

Your genuine appeal for support during your depression really touches me and as you can see it touches others here.

There is no easy and quick solution to dealing with depression. Saying anything pollyanna-ish would be an insult to you and others who are dealing with this very REAL and very DEBILITATING condition.

All I can say is know that you've been heard, and know that we are thinking about you, and know that we are here.

Here is one odd thing that helped me so much when I was depressed while caring for my dying mother. So many family issues surfaced during that time like dealing with my brother who sexually abused me as a child. I almost drowned in the overwhelming feelings raised. I was very angry at my mother for never defending me and never discussing the subject, and yet I understood why, and yet I didn't, and she was senile and accusing me of untold horrible deeds. It was just WAY WAY too miuch to deal with.

A hospice counselor was helping me vent and just happened to ask the question to tell her something about my childhood that was a visually or emotionally positive image.

I remembered the cellar steps in our house with shelves lining the walls where Mom put up canned tomatoes, peaches, corn, everything from the garden and orchard. It was the most beautiful and comforting sight to see all of those mason jars lined up in a beautiful array of colors. We were poor and Mom was determined to get us through the winter with healthy food canned with her own hands.

I'm sorry to run on, but the point is that in the continuing emotional horrors that continued till the death of Mom, when I didn't think I could bear one more thing, I would remember the mason jars of love. Absolutely nothing else worked for me, not meds, not therapists, not trying to rest, not trying to put on a happy face. The colorful mason jars of love did it though.

So when the depression grips you with strangling strength, find an image that comforts you and hold it in your mind. This is not a weakness to do this. This is finding the bottomless pit of hope and love and beauty that is within us all and which sustains us.

[kajero]

So when the depression grips you with strangling strength, find an image that comforts you and hold it in your mind. This is not a weakness to do this. This is finding the bottomless pit of hope and love and beauty that is within us all and which sustains us.

And this, too, is a great idea. It is hard to think of something right now, but I will my hardest to do it.

[teigyr]

I'm always the one who sounds Pollyanna-ish but it's not to insult, it is just how I look at things.

I'm not depressed. I mean I feel that way sometimes but I've known clinically depressed people and I know it goes farther than a bad mood or bad day. I can't say "just go for a walk" and know it will be better.

I'm not especially cheerful either though. For those times when it's been really really dark for me, I make plans on how to change things. I made goals and did little tiny steps toward that goal. I guess what it did was distract me from what was going on but as that was happening, it also put me closer to where I wanted to be. I guess as bad as things were, I was moderately ok as long as there was hope. At least that's what I told myself and it seemed to work kind of ok.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Please do try to make sure your meds are good and also try to work through what's best for you. I know a person who is depressed, amongst other things, and he has learned to know his limits and what he needs from both other people and life.

Maybe it's time to try something non bike related. Or sign up for a hobby or volunteer or go hiking. I'm really not trying to sound all chipper about it but there might be something better for you (right now) than the bike. Sometimes it might mean forcing yourself out of your comfort zone a bit and then if you don't like it, try something else. You never know.

[Crankin]

One of the things that I have been reading about in my counseling classes is "nature therapy." The idea that getting outdoors and moving can help emotional issues seems to have some real validity. I too, think that "letting go" of cycling for awhile is OK. I went through this last fall when I was having some severe anxiety from physical problems. But, I ramped up the walking and started doing yoga. It was a different routine, and it really helped.
Have you ever thought about taking a "Mindful Stress Reduction" course. It's based on the work of John Kabat-Zinn and focuses on using a variety of relaxation, yoga, and meditative strategies to "be with" your pain. I found it very helpful. I took it through the education department of a hospital and I still use the meditation cd from the program.
Another thing I tried was acupuncture. It really worked for the anxiety. It wasn't immediate, but within 4-6 weeks I was feeling better.
And make sure you have a therapist who uses a holistic approach. I never would have tried any of these things without some pushing from someone who knew about them.

[kajero]

Thank ALL of you for such wonderful help and support. It is nice to know that so many of you have dealt and are willing to help me deal with this. I don't want to give up my bike riding because I know I enjoy it; I just have to find some way to "let" myself enjoy it again. I'll try and keep you posted on how things turn out.

Thanks so much again. This is such a wonderful site.

To me, one theory I had about hating my bike and spinning was that it was part of my "usual life". My "usual life" wasn't going so great. So, anything "usual" (including the bike & spin) was not happy "work". Try out a new class you have never did before. Or, get a guest pass to a totally new gym.

I guess the short of the wind above is: find something that helps give your life a new purpose for "being" .

EDIT: Lastly... after a while, you might find that those old "work" things NOW, like the bike and spin, somehow become new again after a break. FWIW... maybe a bit of hope.

The thought about "usual life" is something I never thought about before.

[Tuckervill]

It sounds like you are very depressed, and need professional help to get back to your old self. I hope you are able to see a psychiatrist or other licensed mental health care professional to get you through this hard time. I know my primary care MD will prescribe anti-depressants, but when you are this stuck in a bad place, you really need someone specialized to see you through your funk! I've been there myself, and slogged to the gym working out, telling myself - I just need endorphins to get myself out of this -. I too grew to hate my usually much enjoyed workout routine. Focus on getting the help you need, and your love and enjoyment of everything in life will come back. It sounds like you need to see someone to help you - right now- not in a few weeks. I know it's hard to ask for help. Hang in there! Tokie

Just wanted to +1 this excellent advice. When the whole world looks gloomy, it's time to get intense help. If you wait, it likely will get worse, not better. If you have trouble making the phone calls to get the help, ask someone you love and trust to do it for you. It's important. You are important.

We want you to feel better. The people you love want you to feel better. Don't give up. Keep going. PM me if you want.

Karen

[OakLeaf]

(((((kajero)))))

Tokie, Pardes and Crankin have great advice. Just getting outside - even if it's downtown and not in "nature" - will get you in sunlight, which is definitely involved in mood regulation, whether or not you experience seasonal changes. Even when it's cloudy, you'll still get way more of the natural spectrum by being outdoors than you will indoors.

Also, no one's mentioned journaling, and I'm awful about sticking with that myself, but it's always cathartic when I do it. Lots of studies have shown that people who journal regularly are healthier both mentally and in terms of their immune system.

Another thing that helps me is to just force myself to stick to a routine. If I go to the gym, or for a ride, or whatever, EVERY day at 9 a.m. (or 6 p.m. or whatever), then I don't have to make decisions about whether to go or not. I just go. You can still incorporate active rest days into a rigid routine (which is important). If it's cycling, you can cruise; if it's the gym, you can do a Pilates or yoga class instead of cardio or high-intensity strength; if it's running, you can walk. It can take a few weeks to really ingrain a routine into your life, but once it's there, it actually takes less mental energy to do it than to depart from your routine.

Sending lots of hugs and sunshine your way. PM me if you want.

[tulip]

Just wanted to +1 this excellent advice. When the whole world looks gloomy, it's time to get intense help. If you wait, it likely will get worse, not better. If you have trouble making the phone calls to get the help, ask someone you love and trust to do it for you. It's important. You are important.

We want you to feel better. The people you love want you to feel better. Don't give up. Keep going. PM me if you want.

Karen

+1000. Sometimes we need help and can't do it by ourselves. Yes, get out in the fresh air and sunshine, but do call someone SOON so you can get the help that you need.

Best wishes and big hugs,
tulip

[denny]

I'm the last Pollyanna standing. Don't be afraid to lean on supportive family and friends at this time. My sister who works in a psych practice was the one to make the calls when I didn't have the energy or humility to say I needed more help (Cause I'm a strong, smart, sassy woman who didn't need anyone) Stupid huh?

I agree with the previous poster, don't wait to see how long it will take for you to feel better. If you injured a part of your body that threatened your life or limb, the likelihood is you would take steps to ensure your survival.
Your brain is an organ that is threatened by illness right now. Your chances of a successful recovery are improved with early intervention coupled with cognitive therapy. If cycling no longer "lights you on fire" and I'm not referring to muscle burning or the fiery crotch from a bad saddle either then find that thing that helps you to feel alive, hopeful and anticipating of a great change or new beginning.

It's been 13 months and 4 days since my episode and I know I'm still in the process of recovery. One thing that helps a lot (assuming you aren't already doing so) is for you to journal your thoughts and feelings. It's a nice uncensored way to just scream and cry no one has to know that you just thoroughly told them off on paper and they were totally in awe,speechless and humbled by your right-on insight. Can you tell that there are days I can hardly wait to write in my journal?

All kidding aside you've received such warm, wonderful, supportive advice from these ladies that I know that you'll pull through. This Pollyanna hopes you will find 1 thing that makes your heart and soul smile today.

Hugs.

[Irulan]

having been through a serious clinical depression, and being under lifelong treatment for dysthymia, I will third what Tokie said:

It sounds like you are very depressed, and need professional help to get back to your old self. I hope you are able to see a psychiatrist or other licensed mental health care professional to get you through this hard time. I know my primary care MD will prescribe anti-depressants, but when you are this stuck in a bad place, you really need someone specialized to see you through your funk! I've been there myself, and slogged to the gym working out, telling myself - I just need

Real depression can be very debilitating. You can hardly get out of bed and get dressed, much less get it together to force yourself to get outside and go for a walk or a the gym. Professional treatment is best. Serious depression is not some thing that most people can fix by themselves.

I always question the comments about avoiding medication: if you had diabetes, or a cardiac condition, or epilepsy, would you avoid the appropriate treatment? Many times there are chemical imbalances in the brain that need to be adjusted. No amount of "oh, just go for a bike ride" is going to fix that. Granted, anti depressants are at time prescribed inappropriately, but if you work with an MD/psychiatrist and a counselor, that is how you start to move forward.

I've been there - under treatment and still having to force myself to do something. Telling myself, if I can just walk to the park and back I WILL feel better, and not even being able to do that. I had days when the only thing I could do was fold laundry and nothing else.

Maybe it's time to try something non bike related. Or sign up for a hobby or volunteer or go hiking. I'm really not trying to sound all chipper about it but there might be something better for you (right now) than the bike. Sometimes it might mean forcing yourself out of your comfort zone a bit

Ideas like the above are well meaning but show a true lack of understanding of what real depression is.

[OakLeaf]

mmmm - trying not to get prickly, but don't make assumptions - I too carry a diagnosis of double depression. Drugs DO have their place and sometimes they're a necessity - but yes, to address your hypothetical, most people with NIDDM or cardiac conditions shouldn't have medication as their first line of treatment, either; and epileptics also need to do a lot more to manage their condition than just taking their meds.

Kajero reached out here and asked us for help. Obviously none of us can prescribe drugs for her. We're suggesting things that have worked for us, our own diagnosed and experienced selves. I think Pardes said it all pretty eloquently. We know, as Kajero plainly knows herself, that to get healthy, we need to take responsibility for our own health, and that means more than calling a doctor and popping a pill. There's a lot of homework involved in living with any chronic illness, including depression and dysthymia, and we've given suggestions from some of our own homework.

As I said in another thread, I think a psychologist should be the first line of treatment, and let them make a referral to a psychiatrist if it's warranted. Also, cognitive/behavioral therapy may be great for some people, but it's worse than useless for me. Don't let a managed care organization or insurance company bully you into cognitive/behavioral therapy if it isn't working; try something different. I DO understand how tough it is to find a good fit with both a therapist and a style of therapy - when you need them most is when you have the least resources to undertake the very difficult search. Going to the wrong therapist (just like taking the wrong medication) can actually exacerbate depression, but I guarantee the effort to find the right therapist is worth it in the long term.

Hugs again to all who are burdened with mood disorders in their many forms.


ETA: also, exercise and sunshine DO modify your brain chemistry, as potently as drugs do. And talk therapy actually changes the physical structure of your brain.

[Irulan]

thanks for the corrections - maybe I need better analogies.

The whole "I would never take pills for MY depression" thing just pushes my buttons in a major way. Unless you've been there ( clinically depressed) , IMSHO you really aren't qualified to comment.

It's funny, when we are in the middle of a situation that we think is not going to change, if we get the correct kind of help, sometimes just getting emotionally healthier or learning how to change our reactions to things opens up options that we may think did not exist before.