Need help with panicky moments in life-longish post

[crazycanuck]

Í feel like a complete dork and need to know some solutions to my panic moments whilst driving. Actually, it's more when I can't do something at the exact moment and don't have time to find a way out. I guess I can apply this to all aspects of my life but mainly driving & perhaps cycling.

THis evening, I dented one of the rear side doors on our new vehicle.. trying to maneuvere my way into a car parking facility. I had the vehicle as I did some hill stuff in Kings Park this morning(normal friday thing) & was going to meet ian after work for drinks with co-workers. (I'm the designated driver) Anywho, I turned into the driveway of the car park & noticed I was a bit close to the right side. I think I overcorrected & ended up backing up into a little round pole on my left..

I panicked. I didn't want to hold up anyone behind me if they came along. Also, the car park is on a busy side street. I backed out, drove up the road, stopped & called ian. He's cool with it & understands.

I don't want to be the dork that holds everyone up or doesn't know the solution to something or doesn't know how to do something.

Another example is-I am hopeless with directions. Prior to buying a TomTom Sat Nav, i'd panic if the directions i'd planned didn't work & got lost.

Any ideas..have you been in the same boat as well??

Help!

[indigoiis]

Take control and think "can".

Give yourself fifteen minute buffers on either side of a drive so that you are never rushed or late.

Study good driving behavior. Our bus driver is a great driver - he could drive nascar. He is very confident and always relaxed. He does not drive fast but gives plenty of room for other cars and thus moves seamlessly through traffic.

I watch him drive and model my own driving after his.

And realize that dings happen. It doesn't make you a dingbat.

[alpinerabbit]

Can't help much more than indigo about the driving part - I only drive mom's car and carshare cars. I hate driving places I do not know because I don't drive too often.
Whoever would have been held up might have notice you just had a run-in with the pole. I know drivers are more impatient these days but they CAN wait those couple seconds. So never mind, it's better not to make dangerous moves.

But feeling like a dork is not good - don't put yourself down. I once put myself down so much over a watch I'd lost - I was unconsolable for a day - and particularly because it was a gift from dad, and the down-putting was exactly a reaction to how my dad acts in such situations - I got even more pissed off at myself.

Re the GPS, I think you should not use it all the time.

Sitting down to plan an unknown route makes you less dependent. Works your grey matter too. Yes, sometimes following directions sucks but practice makes you better.

[Flur]

Take a defensive driving class. It will make you more comfortable behind the wheel and teach you good maneuvering skills.

For the overall feeling of panic when you don't know what to do, I recommend yoga, particularly yogic breathing classes. Yoga has helped me to slow down my mind so that I can think more clearly and take things one step at a time. And it reduces overall stress which is never a bad thing.

[bmccasland]

CC - I highly recommend taking some sort of defensive driving class. And the comforting part is that you'll only risk hitting pylons during the training. When I had a front tire blow-out (at 75 mph), it was the ingrained "guide the rocket" and "no sharp turns" training I had a long time ago that kept me from flipping. The CHP officer was amazed that I didn't crash. I wrote the fire department where I had the driver's ed class (when I worked for them) to tell them that skills I learned in class years ago probably saved my life.

I think practicing on things that won't leave marks (like soft plastic pylons) will build confidence.

Secondly, take a deep breath, give yourself time. Breathe in, breathe out. Calm....

Feeling lost - can you do some route finding on your bike? How about taking a map, pick two points and figure out how to get between the two, then do it on your bike? We know bike riding is fun, so you shouldn't be as stressed about the concept of riding, and if you need to stop to figure out if you should take a turn or continue straight, it's a heck of a lot easier to get out of the way of traffic on a bike than on a car. Once you feel confident route finding on you bike, then pick further points and do it in your car. For me, writing down the directions - LEFT here, two stop signs, RIGHT at the next stop sign helps get the route in my head. Imagine giving one of us directions to your house from the nearest airport or train station.

And it's OK to be temporarily misplaced in the space-time-continuium.

[chicago]

you know it took me a long time for me to realize that I can "stop and think" about something if I don't know the answer. i tell this to my boyfriend all the time because he "guesses" alot at answers... and it drives me nuts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i don't know why my whole life i thought i should know everything at the drop of a hat. i always thought i should know how to get anywhere without a map or directions... yes i used to think that way. i always thought if i didn't know something, that made me stupid...

but nowwwwwwwwwwwww... i know that it's impossible to know everything.

and there is nothing wrong with stopping and saying "okay i don't know the answer to this or i am not sure how to react to this... so let me stop and think about it". whether this be stopping doing something at work to focus more on the issue, or stopping and pulling over while driving to read a map... or asking someone to stop talking while you think, etc, etc.

i think giving ourselves permission to "stop and think" about things is a good start. you shouldn't know how to respond to all things, and getting lost is a real fear... but if you stop and tell yourself you're going to take a minute to adjust to what has just happened... gives yourself the permission to stop and thus not panic.

of course this is coming from a 46yo... took me a long time to realize i dont have to know everything all the time

[roadie gal]

1+ to what everyone else has said.

I'm terrible with directions, too. I try to always give myself 15-30 minutes of "lost time" whenever I go somewhere new. That way, even if I get lost, I'm not late (which makes me more panicky than being lost).

[Biciclista]

I have been married to a guy who has a giant atlas in his head. Not only
does he rarely get "lost" (and by that i mean he missed a turn or something)
he can remember how to get to a place (for example) that we've been to only once before, and a year ago without the address.
I, on the other hand, am more normal. I need the address, and even after living in this city for almost 30 years, I still keep a map in the glovebox because I need it. OFTEN. even to get to places that i have been to LOTS of times.

There are a lot of bike rides that we do that to this day, I don't think i can do them alone, not because I'm afraid, but because I don't know the route.
you're not alone!

Guys like my DH are freaks, very useful freaks but freaks nonetheless.

give yourself a little space and time and credit. slow down and relax.

[Grog]

I'm the occasional "freak," like Biciclista's DH, however it's not a genetic thing I think. I learned it from my dad, and my parents' weeklong visit recently showed it.

My dad lands in Vancouver, drops off his bag and the next thing he said is: "Where is your a map?"

I gave him my little transit fold-out map with the bus routes. I saw him studying it once in a while and every time a destination in town was mentioned he took the map out of his pocket and checked out where it was, and how to get there (although I was driving). One day he had an errand to run, I dropped him off and he was supposed to walk home, instead he took the bus, no, two buses! something my husband - born in Vancouver - would have been reluctant to do.

What others say about defensive driving is great. I would just add that trip planning can increase your confidence and also your safety, as you're less likely to make sudden moves if you know where you're going. Before you leave, taking a few minutes to visualize your route, where you're going to park, etc. will help. Of course construction and road closures can throw a hammer (!) at your planning, but if you study your city map well (including one-ways) and pay attention when you walk and cycle around, it will help tremendously.

I'm all for empowering women in transportation, whether it is driving or cycling or as pedestrians! We've been in the passenger seat for too long. Don't be afraid!

[crazycanuck]

I'll have to search for a defensive driving course here in Perth. I got my DL 5yrs ago(not without failing twice..) & have slowly gained confidence. I know how to get to many places without a map and don't rely on one all the time. I'm better on a bike by a smidgen.

Yoga-I will have another try.

Chicago-Allowing myself to stop & think-I'll apply that next time & see how it works.

Grog-My dad is like that! (former Mr Logistics for the CDN military..) and I wish I could have the skill! Ian too..

Thanks for the help ladies, much appreciated!

I'll get there eventually...

[TahoeDirtGirl]

Realize that 99% of things we are anxious over are not really big deals at all. No one died. No one is critically injured. Who cares if someone is waiting behind you, one day someone will have to wait for them too. It's a dent. You were destined to get a dent, it's a car.

I know what you mean about panicky feelings and not being able to navigate. I've been on the east coast for a year and with no mountain to get my bearings, I have TWO (yes TWO) GPS thingys in my car. The installed one (which if you are getting a new car SKIP the built in one, they stink!) and one that has all my favorites in it, a Garmin Nuvi. I still get lost. But you have to laugh about it. And sometimes when you get really lost...you find really cool places...

[sgtiger]

I've said it before, but in case you missed it: I cannot find my way out of a paper bag. Thank goodness for nav and google maps because it's made my life a bit easier. Unfortunately my nav system is fixed to my car so I still get lost on my bike. Dh has threatened to get me a handheld device after the last time I managed to get lost even though I was armed with a map and turn by turn instructions. I can also sympathize with the anxiety while driving, so I avoid it as much as I can. The times I do drive I give myself plenty of time to get to my destination if I'm unfamiliar with the area. I think some of the anxiety comes from not trusting the judgment of strangers and the feeling that I'm not totally in control of the situation because of that lack of trust. I do have some control/trust issues in general so I don't know if that would make sense to you. For some strange reason, the anxiety doesn't carry over to my bike even though I know that I'm more vulnerable without the metal roll cage around me.

[Trekhawk]

Oh CC sending a big hug your way.
I can not add much to the great advice already given but I can say that Aussie car parks are not known for having heaps of room to manouver. You will not be the last person to have a scrap with a pole in one of these horrid car parks.

You are definitely not a dork. Hey I don't ride with dorks.

Trek who has been known to do lots of dorky things hawk.

[tulip]

Hi CrazyCanuck. Your post really caught my attention. For my whole life until very recently I've been worried about "being in the way" in one form or another. I spent an inordinate amount of energy, time, and life trying to make myself small, get out of the way, not be a pain in the butt for other people. I've come to the realization that this is no way to live. I've also figured out that I'm not a PITA. I'm a pretty good person, pretty good company, interesting, and people don't want me to shrink and get out of the way. Even little things like walking down the MIDDLE of the sidewalk instead of on the edge has taken me a long time and alot of courage to do.

Just try to remember that you have a right to be where you are. You have a right to assert yourself, even if that means "holding other people up." They'll find a way around you if they really need to get somewhere. That is up to them, not you.

Take care of yourself.

[Grog]

Hi CrazyCanuck. Your post really caught my attention. For my whole life until very recently I've been worried about "being in the way" in one form or another. I spent an inordinate amount of energy, time, and life trying to make myself small, get out of the way, not be a pain in the butt for other people. I've come to the realization that this is no way to live. I've also figured out that I'm not a PITA. I'm a pretty good person, pretty good company, interesting, and people don't want me to shrink and get out of the way. Even little things like walking down the MIDDLE of the sidewalk instead of on the edge has taken me a long time and alot of courage to do.

Just try to remember that you have a right to be where you are. You have a right to assert yourself, even if that means "holding other people up." They'll find a way around you if they really need to get somewhere. That is up to them, not you.

Take care of yourself.

That's a beautiful post Tulip. Thanks.