A little milestone for me

[Blueberry]

rij73 - Congratulations on your ride!! I still work to not get into the mind games of "what if" when riding alone. Some days I do better than others. Sounds like you're off to a great start!!!

Too bad about your husband. Mine has said negative things to me from time to time and they really smart (these comments really bug me and stay with me too). (Fortunately for me, my DH is generally speaking a very very supportive helpful ride mate)

This is so totally my DH that it's not funny. He will ride with me, tries to "coach" me, and is generally supportive of all things riding related (including the fact that I want a new bike). He's really an awesome guy - sometimes he just doesn't think before speaking (or "get" why his comments would sting).

Choice comments:

On the tandem (after I had been hill training my fanny off): "You're sucking less back there."

After flying up a hill and waiting on me to huff and puff: "That wasn't hard. They call that a hill??"

After zooming ahead into a headwind: "Are you actually working hard to go that slowly?! Looked like you were out for an easy spin (as sweat poured off of me)."

"Are you still tweaking your bike fit?! What's wrong with you that you can't just have a bike fit. I'm sick of your fit issues."

The tandem *does* help - we ride together (which is nice). We just need to work on technique. And he really, truly just doesn't get why the above comments might be hurtful. *sigh*

ETA: Ditto the comments about needing more positive reinforcement than criticism. I'm working on my self esteem, but it's low. I just left a job that took darned near everything out of me, including most of my self esteem. I'm better off without it, but it's taking a while to rebuild.

CA

[Misandal]

Wow, reading about "helpful husbands" makes me glad mine doesn't share my hobby!

As the lone cyclist in the family, I often train alone. My husband and I have our own business, so we live together and work together. I enjoy my solo rides for the solitude - no ringing phone, no one asking me for anything, just me and my bike. It's a beautiful thing.

[Biker Jo]

Wow, reading about "helpful husbands" makes me glad mine doesn't share my hobby!

And it makes me glad I'm single!!

[Jiffer]

My first nine months of riding were all on a road tandem, with dh. When I got my own bike, I rode primarily on my own (unless I was on the tandem). I got frustrated, as well, trying to keep up with other people. No point in trying to keep up with dh, but he will sometimes "hang back" with me. But that's why we have the tandem. We can both ride our ability level and be together.

So, I got used to my solo rides and kind of preferred it that way a lot of the time. My two closest cycling buddies rarely ride on their own, but when we got together, I was always the slowest and that was so frustrating. However, I finally got good enough to hang better with them and feel so empowered to be able to do so. I've been riding a LOT with one of them as we are both training for the Amtrak century. We are pretty much the same level and it's such an accomplishment for me.

I do recommend you look for a riding club to ride with. There are all level of riders in our club, so even when I was slower I wasn't the slowest. But it IS empowering to ride alone sometimes. Just do your own thing, leave whenever you want, go your pace, take a break when you want. Good for you for taking the plunge! Glad it was a good experience for you.

[Jiffer]

rij73 -
On the tandem (after I had been hill training my fanny off): "You're sucking less back there."
CA

I LOVE THIS!!!! I can SO relate!!! I don't think dh has said exactly that, but he very well may have ... or something very close! Dh and I ride tandem as well. We also ride singles, but rarely together. He is also very, very supportive, but says things that can be so disheartening at times. Here's one of my favorites.

As I'm huffing and puffing and dying of agony up a 13% incline (Mt. Baldy Road) he says, "I'm going to ride this on my big ring and see how low I can keep my heart rate." The funny thing is, I was SEEING how stupid low his heart rate was because my computer was picking up his heart rate monitor instead of mine. Just as well, because mine would have probably exploded my Garmin!

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

We just have to keep riding and riding because we love to ride.

Remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said:
"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission."

[Jiffer]

I'm just curious, by the way, ... how is it that your "road bike is wasted on you with your average speed"? What does that mean, really? Cause I thought road bikes were for the road and I'm pretty sure you're riding on the road. And where's the Road Bike Rule Book of the Universe that says what speed a road bike should be going to be used most appropriately? I don't want to be useless on my road bike, so I should find out what speed I should be going to make it not wasteful. For all I know I'm wasting my bike on me and never even knew it! How depressing!!!

Don't listen to him. It's weird with guys. They are simply built stronger than women and, therefore, have a different mentality. I was getting irritated when dh and I were watching the women's olympic mountain bike race. He was commenting on how they don't even hardly get out of their saddle (at least from what we could tell from what they showed) and how they should totally be able to go faster. Then we watched the guy's race and he said, "Look at the leader! See how he gets out of his saddle?!" As if there is only one way to effectively ride. I'm pretty sure the women at the olympics know a thing or two about racing on a mountain bike. They're just built differently and different strategies of riding work for them. I don't get out of my saddle as often as he does because I don't have the insane quad strength that he does as a guy. Guys have bigger muscles and can do more with them. That's all there is to it.

Even if you compare yourself to other women, everyone is at a different level. I have ridden with some really fast women that I was totally jealous of, passing me on hills like I'm standing still. And I've ridden with women who were much slower than me. There are all levels out there and all deserve to riding a bike, EVEN A ROAD BIKE, if they so choose!

Okay, off my soap box now! Thank you very much.

[rij73]

Yes... I agree with what everyone is saying. Again, DH is a great guy, but it's just that a lot of men have a very different idea of what is motivating vs. what is hurtful. He really is clueless about it.

The thing about the bike being wasted on me... well, those weren't exactly his words. What he said was that if I wasn't going to push the bike to the performance level it was designed for, that we could have bought me more of a touring bike... something less expensive too. My bike is a real race bike: light, carbon fiber, pretty aggressive geometry, decent parts package, etc.

But, you see, I'm a sucker for quality and looks, and I absolutely adore my frame. I don't think I would have necessarily fallen in love with biking with a different kind of bike. And also, if I'm slow now, wouldn't I be even slower on a heavier, more upright bike???

Therefore, I'm not letting his point of view get in my head anymore. He doesn't put me down intentionally, but I often take it that way. That is something I have complete control over and should be able to fix.

It helps to remind myself that he and I come from *completely* different backgrounds. He was athletic, outdoorsy, and popular while I was bookish, sedentary, and decidedly unpopular. Hence, he is still more talented when it comes to athletic endeavors. I, however, speak two foreign languages, am a professional classical musician, know a lot about literature, and am better with all things intellectual (like computers and math). These are the things I remind myself of when I am feeling a little down. I've always had a complex, though, about this kind of thing. It comes from *years* of ridicule in school. Kids can be cruel, and I heard it all...

There you go, ladies of TE! I know you all wanted so much insight into the inner workings of rij73's psychology.

[BarbaraAlys]

rij73 wrote: It helps to remind myself that he and I come from *completely* different backgrounds. He was athletic, outdoorsy, and popular while I was bookish, sedentary, and decidedly unpopular.

It must be SOO much fun to go to highschool reunions, you with your popular jock husband, all strong and healthy from riding your bike....A real stick in the eye to those mean kids.

I listen to all of you that are married talk about riding with your hubbies and how hard they are on you and think that THIS is why women and men don't compete head-to-head in most athletic competitions. They are different than we are, and we shoudl not guage ourselves based on their abilities.

Barbara

[DebTX]

First of all, I think it's awesome that you and I BOTH found the courage to solo-ride this week. Yay for us!

It helps to remind myself that he and I come from *completely* different backgrounds. He was athletic, outdoorsy, and popular while I was bookish, sedentary, and decidedly unpopular. Hence, he is still more talented when it comes to athletic endeavors. I, however, speak two foreign languages, am a professional classical musician, know a lot about literature, and am better with all things intellectual (like computers and math).

Exactly the same for me and DH. He's athletic and outdoorsy and I've discovered my bike doesn't give a damn that I have a PhD!

But everytime I push those pedals I keep thinking I'm doing more than the folks sitting home on the couch. And little by little progress is being made. Admittedly, my bike is *way* cooler than me - but one day I'll turn that around!

Deb

[jobob]

I'm just curious, by the way, ... how is it that your "road bike is wasted on you with your average speed"? What does that mean, really? Cause I thought road bikes were for the road and I'm pretty sure you're riding on the road. And where's the Road Bike Rule Book of the Universe that says what speed a road bike should be going to be used most appropriately? I don't want to be useless on my road bike, so I should find out what speed I should be going to make it not wasteful. For all I know I'm wasting my bike on me and never even knew it! How depressing!!!

LOL Jiffer! Well put.

[MyLitespeed]

My husband use to ride with me when I rode my single, but I was so slow, that on hills he would literally ride circles around me. He would ride up the hill come back down and pass me again. He never criticized me about my slow riding but I could tell he really didn't enjoy going so slow. We decided to get a tandem and his first thought was that we would be able to go really fast on it since he wouldn't have to worry about leaving me behind. When he first starting doing that, it scared me so much I didn't want to go anymore. Finally something clicked in his head and he decided that he better make the tandem rides my speed, otherwise he might as well sell it. Now he does his single rides alone and I do mine alone or with my friends who ride my speed. The tandem is our recreational ride (my speed) and he knows it and now enjoys it. He has the best of both worlds, he can race on his single and enjoy my company on the tandem. Funny how things turn out.

[LoriO]

Hey, I'm in central CT. Maybe we can get together and go for a slow ride together! My hubby doesn't ride so I am always riding by myself. It would be fun to have someone to go out with sometime.