Advice Needed- Dealing with a looming death

[Geonz]

When my father's cancer came back after a 16 year remission, he made a video. ONe line from it really stands out: "The best way to die joyfully is to live joyfully." People honestly did drop by to cheer themselves up. With my mother it was more difficult; she didn't want to leave without some things taken care of. We talked about them and in the last week frequently gave her permission to leave us and told her hte things we'd be sure to take care of.
We are all going to die. Death is here... regardless. It's kinda like that huge hill on a bike ride - the more you look up the harder it is; if you keep the pedals moving and shift gears at the right time, you'll get through it.

[sundial]

Just......listen.

Wouldn't it be nice to reminisce with them while you both can enjoy laughter and tears? I think in a way it's a blessing to be able to spend moments together because with time being precious, it helps put things into perspective. I often learn more about living through dying.

Perhaps you can have a special gathering of friends and family who would like to share their favorite stories and events they shared with your aunt or step-mother. And as they make their final preparations, wouldn't you like to be a part of something that could be personalized to their tastes? Perhaps your aunt would like people to wear a certain color blouse to the funeral. Or maybe your step-mother would enjoy a contribution made in memory of her generosity.

I'm very sorry you are having to face losing 2 special people to cancer. I know it's a difficult time but know you are near in my thoughts and prayers.

[Zen]

Step-mother sound like a smart lady.
she should make her wishes known as far as burial, cremation, etc.
when my mom died we found out that she had already been to the funeral home and arranged everything herself.

[KathiCville]

+1 here for the notion of talking about the end as openly as DH's stepmom wants and needs. When my father was dying of cancer many, many years go (I was in my teens), the subject of death was ignored, side-stepped, and glossed over to the point of absurdity. We all knew he was going to die, but my stepmother refused to let anyone mention it. So we all played this rather silly, exhausting game of pretending that some kind of miracle was going to happen. The result was a graceless and meaningless final chapter, filled with missed opportunities to cry and laugh together and say goodbye. The pretense served no purpose other than to bring my father's life to close on an inauthentic note. So, if DH's stepmother has decided to take a forthright approach to her last days, it would be super if the people around her can follow her lead and give her whatever she needs to wrap up her life on her terms. She'll appreciate knowing that she was able to set the tone for her remaining time. And for those left behind, knowing that they rose to the occasion will give them comfort down the line.

[Mr. Bloom]

"The best way to die joyfully is to live joyfully."

Wow!

[Geonz]

... and if you let yourself listen adn not withdraw (too much... sometimes you have to)... there can be moments to treasure.
One day a priest we knew came by to give the anointing of the sick sacrament ... and he was chatting and somebody dropped by... and stayed... and then there was another knock on the door... and then another... and then there were eight of us sitting around the living room (I had to find chairs!) just sharing the moment and saying whatever kinds of intentions and prayers and thoughts happened (most of the folks weren't Catholic). Death can show us just how connected our worlds are. Love transcends it all.

[shootingstar]

I'm sorry to hear of this Aggie.

I have no advice just a story ..there is abit of cycling here.

One of my brothers-in-law had a brother who succumbed to cancer of the larynx at 40 yrs. Yes, he did smoke. Memory is of him jokingly having a cigarette hanging from his mouth for a short few min. while we were cycling in a 4-day group trip ride. I think we all rode 350 kms. on that trip.

He had chemo for 2 years. He actually remained very private with his family. My brother-in-law held his brother's hand in the hospital when he died. Then my brother-in-law went home to tell his parents.

The celebration of his life at his funeral did feature photos of that seminal group bike ride.

A sibling...is really in the end, in most cases, a friend...for life.

[fastdogs]

I'm reading all of these messages and taking them to heart, because my older sister is coming out for a visit, and I think she may not have very long from her breast cancer, and just hasn't told me. We aren't very close; I was in the army for 20 years so wasn't around, and by the time I retired she had moved out of state, so we've seen each other maybe once a year. My mom made a comment that this may be the last time we see her alive, so I feel like they aren't telling us siblings the whole story. She had her first mammogram at 50, and they found stage 4 breast cancer- removed a lot of lymph nodes and she's had a mastectomy, chemo, and radiation. Recently they found cancer in her spine, so she is still have some treatments. She is coming to visit for a couple of months since they have said she is "terminal" and can't work any more. She is kinda like a stranger to me, but I will be able to see her every weekend while she is here. I will probably treat her normally, since I don't know if she's been given any time frame or anything. They did say she can't travel much, but this is my first experience with cancer, I guess I'll just follow the conversation and if she talks about it I'll listen. She found out last year, and that was around the time I got my first bike, and rode in a breast cancer ride for her.
vickie

[shootingstar]

My mom made a comment that this may be the last time we see her alive, so I feel like they aren't telling us siblings the whole story. She had her first mammogram at 50, and they found stage 4 breast cancer- removed a lot of lymph nodes and she's had a mastectomy, chemo, and radiation. Recently they found cancer in her spine, so she is still have some treatments. She is coming to visit for a couple of months since they have said she is "terminal" and can't work any more. She is kinda like a stranger to me, but I will be able to see her every weekend while she is here. I will probably treat her normally, since I don't know if she's been given any time frame or anything. They did say she can't travel much, but this is my first experience with cancer, I guess I'll just follow the conversation and if she talks about it I'll listen. She found out last year, and that was around the time I got my first bike, and rode in a breast cancer ride for her.
vickie

Keep in mind that some of us here on the forum, also see our sibling(s) once a year or less since they live thousands of kms. away. Maybe phone call, email or letter/card every few months. The level of frequency doesn't mean we love each other less or aren't close, but in our family...we don't confide everything to one another, only significant events. I have 5 siblings..so there are different communication styles with each one.

If it's merely distance but general goodwill between you and your sister, perhaps it would be meaningful for both of you, that you express in an objective way, that because of age gap, mobility due to school, it makes it more challenging to keep updated on each other over the years.

If I was in your position, then speak directly from your heart without blaming her or anything for "distance", that she will always be your sister regardless of distance and to express your discomfort to mention her cancer but you want to know if she is in pain/tired when both of you do things together during the visit.

I witnessed first-hand my mother who had not seen her sisters for...40 years when I accompanied her to San Francisco to visit. Yes!!!!!! Many immigrants who came to North America from Asia, prior to 1960's found it very expensive to fly overseas when air travel was more expensive. My parents didn't have money to fly all over North America when raising a large family on their low income.

It was such a revelation to witness..and the shock of each sister to see how much each other had ..aged/change.

Anyway, one of my aunts died from heart attack about 2 yrs. after my mother's visit. That aunt was 15 years older than my mother.

Please share good time and thoughts with your sister during her visit. You won't regret it...no matter, how painful certain moments will be.

A sibling is a friend for life...and isn't that one of the main reasons why parents have more than 1 child...to provide life companion(s) within the family.

[spindizzy]

Wow!

What an enlightened group TE is. And how many of you are in the position to be there for friends and family in meaningful ways. It used to be that no-one talked about death, dying, wishes and, thoughts. I cannot imagine what it must be like to want to talk about death, but having people around me not want to talk. "The elephant in the room."

My mom's youngest sister (5 years older than myself) died of breast cancer in 2000. She phoned me when she was terminal to ask me that if she should "linger" if I would take care of her until she died. She lived in another province. I spoke to my DH (he said it was impractical) I talked to his mother and asked her if she would stay with our family if I needed to go. She said yes. I told my aunt that I would be there if she needed me. I flew out to visit her one weekend in November; she died a month later. I believe in my heart that she felt comforted knowing that I would be there to help her family if it was needed. She was not afraid to talk about death and planned her own funeral.

And don't forget the kids. They sense when something is wrong, and not being truthful about sad feelings can really mix them up. Young children can only take in small bits of information at a time, so explanations need not be elaborate. And allowing them to participate in meaningful rituals (drawing a picture for the dead person, or the giving of some small memento) helps them deal with the loss of that significant other.

[Aggie_Ama]

Thank you all for the advice and encouragement. This is really a tough situation and my husband is the type that internalizes much of his stress. I will share some of this with him and try to use it myself.

[Lifesgreat]

The www.fatcyclist.com archives from a month or so ago have some touching posts about how Fatty and his wife are dealing with her most recent cancer battle (it isn't good). They are making videos, hanging out as a family and not doing much differently than if she were cancer-free. The phrase "acknowledging is not that same as giving up" really impacted me.

Maybe there are some ideas on his site for your family from someone who is living it too.

Wishing you comfort and peace.