He didn't do a thing for my 30th birthday!

[uforgot]

My suggestion was for counseling. I never intended it for both of you. I meant for YOU! Find someone who isn't in his department and neutral. There is a reason for all of this and like Lisa said, you aren't going to get any answers here. There may be a bigger picture and deeper issues than what you are seeing. A lot of us have been exactly where you are. The signs were all there, believe me. Don't try to figure this out yourself and quit calling him. Take a breather and try to clear your head. The fact that you are discussing this here speaks volumes. You are reaching out. Find the answers with someone trained to help you find what's best for you.

[dirtygirl1]

milkbone...

So sorry to hear about all of this ... keep on riding (it helps to clear the head) and doing what you are doing. You are in a tough situation.

Sounds like communication is the key to this situation ... hopefully you guys will get a chance to chat one-on-one face-to-face so you can both lay your cards on the table. Be honest with yourself and him and you won't have any regrets.

Only you know what is right for you ... as you already know we are all here rooting for you!

Hugs!

[ikkin]

milkbone, i'm so sorry you're suffering.

my only advice, and it might be hard to see the value in it right now, but just trust me: don't do anything untill you're in the best mental place you can be. don't talk to him or try to do anything untill you're feeling good yourself. feeling good means no defensiveness, no hurt, no expectations, etc. it might not seem possible to feel good given the circumstances, but it is. we all have more strength and love inside of us than we give ourselves credit for.

when you're calm and centered (and only when you're calm and centered), see what makes sense to you to do. but don't do or try anything while you're even remotely upset, because the upset will color any interaction with him in an unproductive way.

i know that might be hard because it probably seems really urgent to talk to him/figure things out. the urgency is a warning sign- it's telling you you're not nuetral/calm yet. and untill you're both neutral/calm you'll both keep seeing things the way you're currently seeing them- which will just bring up the same old problems. which isn't the way to a new solution.

sounds like your guy is probably stuck in a bit of a mental rut and isn't seeing anything new either. that would explain the boredom. but boredom is just a state of mind. it can shift, states of mind (as we all know, thank god) aren't permanent. otherwise we'd all be in the same mood all the time. but mental ruts seem permanent when we're in them- and they subsequently prevent us from learning, from happiness, from love. but happiness and love is always available. it doesn't go away, it just gets covered up by thinking/analyzing/expecting. sort of like clouds cover up the sun.

anyway, it sounds like you guys both unintentionally lost sight of your neutral good feelings for each other through a bit too much thinking/brooding (him) and/or analyzing/expecting (you?). so get in that good, nuetral, calm place and let your heart guide you. but your heart won't be able to guide you 'till your brain quiets down a bit.

i hope that makes sense, and i'll be pulling for you both. it's never too late. it is, however, sometimes too early. good luck.

[Geonz]

here's some more free advice

... "boredom" is a word a little bit like love. It is used in all kinds of different ways for different reasons.
When students are doing poorly in school they often say it's because they are "bored" - and sometimes it is because the work is too easy, and sometimes because it is too hard, and sometimes because it seems utterly irrelevant because other things take up all the mental space...or because everything is boring because that's what depression can feel like. It's rarely as simple as that the stuff needs to be made a little more interesting. So saying he's "bored" can mean just about anything.

Also pulling for you...

[DDH]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I read your first post and thought, Wow, I could have written that. My DH is very bad about birthdays and any other kind of special occasion. I feel like I am lucky sometimes to get even an acknowledgement of a special ocassion like a birthday or mothers day, much less a card or present. He has gotten better over the years but is still very bad. We have been together 24 years and that is one of my major complaints, but I learned a long time ago that it isn't because he doesn't care or love me. I try very hard not to take it personally because I know it isn't a reflection of how he feels.

What your guy has done is inexcusable to a degree, and I really couldn't blame you if you didn't let him come back. He needs to understand that although you love him, when people do things like this to hurt us, it causes us to put up defenses to protect ourselves. It causes a bit of mis-trust of feelings, and he will have to understand that it may take you a bit to let your guard back down.
He has broken down the trust not by cheating but by hurting you, and he needs to understand that you also will need time now that he has pushed it this far ecspecially without a reasonable explanation. I'm bored is not reasonable, nor is it a real explanation.
We tend to expect others to make us happy rather than take on that responsiblity ourselves, and he and you need to understand that our happiness and completeness for lack of a better word are our own responsibility.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get off on a tangent and sorry for the long post. I just feel so badly for you.
I think I would tell him next time he told me he's just bored, that he better be able to come up with something better than that if he expects you to ever trust him again, or will allow him to come back. You have a responsibility to your boys and he didn't hurt you alone when he pulled this stunt.

[milkbone]

Ok, just figured I'd give everyone just one last quick update.

I'm doing better day by day, my friends are trying to keep me occupied and my spirits up, some times are better than others thats for sure.

I know most of you will say I'm crazy, but I still do hope to work it out with him in the long run, he is moving out as of now (and hasn't been here since last week). I did get to actually talk to him face-to-face today, he says he still loves me, and does miss me, he was just really unhappy. How he did everything still really hurts, and I'm still on the roller coaster of up's and down's. He was a really great guy to both me and my boys, and I just want that all back, I know how he did things was really messed up, maybe I'm way too nice, I don't know, but I still love the guy.

The most surprising thing of all is that he is suppossed to move into a house only one street away, literally the next street over in the subdivision, he said he's not sure yet, but pretty sure, he will sign a 12 month lease.

I live on a cul-de-sac so there should be no reason for him to just drive by, and I don't think that was his purpose anyway. Just figured thats what some of you might say, but I am a bit surprised on the location he picked, I would have figured he would've at least left the neighborhood area.

Anyway, I figure it's time to put this issue to rest, and I really do appreciate everyone's support and comments. I've read them all with interest.

This too shall past, and I shall be stronger for it. : )

As my Mom says, "I am woman, I am invincible!"

Thanks again TE! {{{{{{{{{{{TE}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Irulan]

thanks for the update.

Are you guys going to look into couple's counseling? A GOOD counselor is worth every penny you pay. I credit a very certain counselor with saving my marriage about 7 years ago.