He didn't do a thing for my 30th birthday!

[KSH]

Grog, I don't think so, good idea, but no - we bought a bedroom set about a year and a half ago, an entertainment center, and a used jeep cherrokee together....

I'm confused. Grog mentioned he broke up over a text message???? He didn't do that... right?

I thought you just mentioned that he said he was bored.

He just said he was bored, not bored with any one thing in particular - he didn't say he just said he was bored, and that we had a ground hog day routine,

You know, that's pretty bad. I think if a guy is bored... he's going to cheat... or find a way out of the relationship.

I know it might not change much... but have you thought about doing somethings different to change up the routine of life? Go out to eat when you normally eat at home. Go to the movies. Book a hotel room. Go on a surprise vacation. Etc.

Also... and you don't have to answer this here... but just something to throw out... how's your sex life? Is it the same 'ol, same 'ol or do you try to spice it up some? Throw on some sexy lingere... a video... do a new move in the bedroom... etc? I know for some guys this won't matter. I know for my guy is does. I also know that if my man is happy in the bedroom, everything else is just gravy. But, that's just my man. Yours might be different. Just something to throw out there.

Good luck and know that 30 is not old and if things don't work out with him... you can find another. If things do work out, then that's great!

[teigyr]

milkbone, I am so sorry you are going through this. I know what it feels like and I know when it seems like things are a complete surprise.

I went through a failed marriage and even though I saw the signs if I looked hard enough, I was shocked when it happened. My ex is not a bad person but he had some difficulty communicating and we weren't at the same level at all. I was highly disappointed in the fact he wasn't more romantic and I wanted to put my definitions of what "love" is on him and then got upset when I felt unloved. I never stated WHAT I wanted, however. He would say if he wanted me to change something though I was so immersed in the fact he didn't love me (in my mind), I didn't listen to him. In my passive-aggressive way, I didn't do little things that would have made him happy. Things like pick up my shoes when I took them off It was a meltdown of the hugest proportions.

I know it's hard but it might be worth it to talk to him as a person and put expectations aside. My ex felt like a failure when he didn't know what I wanted and yet was in trouble for not providing it. You are right, some things shouldn't be deal-breakers so maybe there's something else going on. Sometimes depression can manifest itself as boredom or it could be any number of things. It sounds like he has really given a lot of himself to you and your children and maybe it's time for a "I love you so let's figure out what's going on" talk.

I have to appreciate all the earlier comments from married people whose DH's don't behave 100% on their birthdays (and those wives that do it too!). My DH (current DH) is the most wonderful person and he tries. I have to be blunt with him and he will surprise me though he admits he isn't good at it. I also had to laugh at Wahine's story about her DH. I LOVE birthdays but DH is pretty ambivalent about them. We've reached a middle ground on the whole thing but I could just say 'Happy Birthday' to him and he'd be good with it. If I ask him what he wants, he says he has everything he wants right now. I'm the one who wants surprises and presents and specialness

(((hugs))) Milkbone. Try to remember he's an imperfect person who appears to be communicating a bit poorly right now. It could be it's time for you to move on but it also could be that this could be a positive turning point in your relationship. Have you ever considered counseling? Would he do something like that at this point? Communication can be so difficult, especially when there are hurt feelings involved.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

I suspect there are some deeper longterm relationship/communication issues going on here. If you really feel the relationship is breaking up and you deeply care about not wanting that to happen, then you need to get some professional counseling- either couple's counseling or just for yourself.
Don't get me wrong, people here are wonderful and always sympathetic and caring.... but bike forum advice is just not going to cut it. Perhaps he cares enough about the relationship to go with you. Learning better communication skills can make or break the situation here, and that takes counseling to learn properly. You would both learn a lot about yourselves AND each other- always a good thing.
A vacation together, flowers, spicing up your sex life, or a new hobby may help temporarily, but longterm solutions usually require deeper exploration of underlying causes. It takes two to make or break a relationship.

[ACG]

Milkbone, lots of hugs for you.

You have the right to be happy, to be with a man who loves you with all his heart and soul, who will remember your birthday even if it means he only has the money for a card and a single flower. Be strong, we are all here rooting for you.

[uforgot]

I totally agree with the last two posts. Sometimes there are things going on that you don't see. Go to a counselor. You may be surprised at what you find out, about yourself, him and the dance you are currently in. It's possible you have patterns that need to be broken or you will play the same scenario out over and over for years. At least it will give you somewhere to start. Take care of YOU and those kids.

[Jen-Jen]

Milkbone- My hubby of 8 years and boyfriend of 3 before that has never done anything for mine. I just think that is the way some guys are wired. Oh sure, my husband will take me out to dinner, but that is only after I say, "So...what ARE we doing for my birthday?"

I have to press for that. I never forget his! We always gets a cool birthday from me.

Sorry about your b-day. But, hey, Happy Birthday from me!

[emily_in_nc]

Y'all -- from the sounds of it, milkbone and bf have already broken up. From the sounds of her posts, counseling, spicing up their sex life, whatever, are not in the cards...he broke up with her via text message, for goodness sakes!

All the suggestions you're making would have been helpful before it reached that point, but it sounds like now it is probably too late for anything other than hugs and support for milkbone.

milkbone, am I wrong? Do you think there's still any hope at all?

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ milkbone }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Emily

[milkbone]

KSH, no he broke up with me via text message -

I appreciate all your support and concerns, it does take 2 and I didn't realize anything was wrong, he won't answer my questions about counseling, and as of tonight on the phone says he still loves me he is just bored, and unhappy, and whats to know how we can fix it, he seems like he is at a loss on how to fix it, and if we cant fix it why bother. I'm hoping he just needs to time to think and maybe we can work things out. I told him I love him and I want to work things out, I want to talk, I'm being good and doing my best to leave him alone and give him space and see what happens, but as I told him I can't promise him how I feel when or if he decides to come back, and he kept asking me what that means, and I just told him once he leaves that I can't promise him how I feel later on.

He has been there for my kids and I and has been wonderful man, and I at least thought I was showing my appreciation for him for that, I would always make it a point to thank him when he did something for them or me, whether it was picking them up at school, or helping them with a cub scout project, or cooking dinner I would thank him or tell him, "You are so good to those boys.....Thank you." Maybe I didn't speak his "language" I'm not sure, I'm not sure what else to do, but take it one day at a time, breathe deep, and ride.

I don't think there is too much else too say, I appreciate everyones time, concern, and hugs. You guys have helped me through your thoughts and words, I have felt all your hugs, and will be taking one step at a time, and move on.

Thanks again TE

((((((((((((((((TE)))))))))))))))

[KSH]

WOW! He did THAT? Oh that is rude. Beyond rude. Especially since you two are living together... you are... right?

Either way... it was completely uncalled for. What a coward. He can put out fires but he can't have the balls to call and talk to you?

You are a better woman than I. I would have told that man good ridden. You are a kind and loving soul to even take the time to consider working it out with him.

[milkbone]

KSH - we have actually been living together for over 3 years. In a relationship for 2, we were close friends, and only friends, living in a roommate situation - Then after a month long discussion we finally decided to become a couple, we were very afraid of the consequences since we had since a great friendship, and we always thought we did the right thing for crossing that bridge. It tooks us about 3 weeks before we began the actual steps to "couple-dom"

I just hope in the end it works out for the best, all of my friends are jaw-dropped shocked about what happened and I keep getting the comment that everyone always thought we were that "perfect" or almost perfect happy couple. One of my other guy friends, thought we were playing a practical joke on him at first....

This too shall past, and hopefully I will be stronger for it.

[BikeMomma]

I have felt all your hugs, and will be taking one step at a time, and move on.

This too shall past, and hopefully I will be stronger for it.

That's my girl -- I'll give you an "A" for attitude - the right one. Keep that chin up, girlfriend.

You sure have some awesome friends here....heck, you brought everyone out of the woodwork, supporting and trying to help you sort out why this dude is how he is (who knows about that one ). Amazing the human spirit in times of need, eh?

Take it easy,
Kim

[uforgot]

My suggestion was for counseling. I never intended it for both of you. I meant for YOU! Find someone who isn't in his department and neutral. There is a reason for all of this and like Lisa said, you aren't going to get any answers here. There may be a bigger picture and deeper issues than what you are seeing. A lot of us have been exactly where you are. The signs were all there, believe me. Don't try to figure this out yourself and quit calling him. Take a breather and try to clear your head. The fact that you are discussing this here speaks volumes. You are reaching out. Find the answers with someone trained to help you find what's best for you.

[dirtygirl1]

milkbone...

So sorry to hear about all of this ... keep on riding (it helps to clear the head) and doing what you are doing. You are in a tough situation.

Sounds like communication is the key to this situation ... hopefully you guys will get a chance to chat one-on-one face-to-face so you can both lay your cards on the table. Be honest with yourself and him and you won't have any regrets.

Only you know what is right for you ... as you already know we are all here rooting for you!

Hugs!

[ikkin]

milkbone, i'm so sorry you're suffering.

my only advice, and it might be hard to see the value in it right now, but just trust me: don't do anything untill you're in the best mental place you can be. don't talk to him or try to do anything untill you're feeling good yourself. feeling good means no defensiveness, no hurt, no expectations, etc. it might not seem possible to feel good given the circumstances, but it is. we all have more strength and love inside of us than we give ourselves credit for.

when you're calm and centered (and only when you're calm and centered), see what makes sense to you to do. but don't do or try anything while you're even remotely upset, because the upset will color any interaction with him in an unproductive way.

i know that might be hard because it probably seems really urgent to talk to him/figure things out. the urgency is a warning sign- it's telling you you're not nuetral/calm yet. and untill you're both neutral/calm you'll both keep seeing things the way you're currently seeing them- which will just bring up the same old problems. which isn't the way to a new solution.

sounds like your guy is probably stuck in a bit of a mental rut and isn't seeing anything new either. that would explain the boredom. but boredom is just a state of mind. it can shift, states of mind (as we all know, thank god) aren't permanent. otherwise we'd all be in the same mood all the time. but mental ruts seem permanent when we're in them- and they subsequently prevent us from learning, from happiness, from love. but happiness and love is always available. it doesn't go away, it just gets covered up by thinking/analyzing/expecting. sort of like clouds cover up the sun.

anyway, it sounds like you guys both unintentionally lost sight of your neutral good feelings for each other through a bit too much thinking/brooding (him) and/or analyzing/expecting (you?). so get in that good, nuetral, calm place and let your heart guide you. but your heart won't be able to guide you 'till your brain quiets down a bit.

i hope that makes sense, and i'll be pulling for you both. it's never too late. it is, however, sometimes too early. good luck.

[Geonz]

here's some more free advice

... "boredom" is a word a little bit like love. It is used in all kinds of different ways for different reasons.
When students are doing poorly in school they often say it's because they are "bored" - and sometimes it is because the work is too easy, and sometimes because it is too hard, and sometimes because it seems utterly irrelevant because other things take up all the mental space...or because everything is boring because that's what depression can feel like. It's rarely as simple as that the stuff needs to be made a little more interesting. So saying he's "bored" can mean just about anything.

Also pulling for you...