He didn't do a thing for my 30th birthday!

[milkbone]

KSH, no he broke up with me via text message -

I appreciate all your support and concerns, it does take 2 and I didn't realize anything was wrong, he won't answer my questions about counseling, and as of tonight on the phone says he still loves me he is just bored, and unhappy, and whats to know how we can fix it, he seems like he is at a loss on how to fix it, and if we cant fix it why bother. I'm hoping he just needs to time to think and maybe we can work things out. I told him I love him and I want to work things out, I want to talk, I'm being good and doing my best to leave him alone and give him space and see what happens, but as I told him I can't promise him how I feel when or if he decides to come back, and he kept asking me what that means, and I just told him once he leaves that I can't promise him how I feel later on.

He has been there for my kids and I and has been wonderful man, and I at least thought I was showing my appreciation for him for that, I would always make it a point to thank him when he did something for them or me, whether it was picking them up at school, or helping them with a cub scout project, or cooking dinner I would thank him or tell him, "You are so good to those boys.....Thank you." Maybe I didn't speak his "language" I'm not sure, I'm not sure what else to do, but take it one day at a time, breathe deep, and ride.

I don't think there is too much else too say, I appreciate everyones time, concern, and hugs. You guys have helped me through your thoughts and words, I have felt all your hugs, and will be taking one step at a time, and move on.

Thanks again TE

((((((((((((((((TE)))))))))))))))

[KSH]

WOW! He did THAT? Oh that is rude. Beyond rude. Especially since you two are living together... you are... right?

Either way... it was completely uncalled for. What a coward. He can put out fires but he can't have the balls to call and talk to you?

You are a better woman than I. I would have told that man good ridden. You are a kind and loving soul to even take the time to consider working it out with him.

[milkbone]

KSH - we have actually been living together for over 3 years. In a relationship for 2, we were close friends, and only friends, living in a roommate situation - Then after a month long discussion we finally decided to become a couple, we were very afraid of the consequences since we had since a great friendship, and we always thought we did the right thing for crossing that bridge. It tooks us about 3 weeks before we began the actual steps to "couple-dom"

I just hope in the end it works out for the best, all of my friends are jaw-dropped shocked about what happened and I keep getting the comment that everyone always thought we were that "perfect" or almost perfect happy couple. One of my other guy friends, thought we were playing a practical joke on him at first....

This too shall past, and hopefully I will be stronger for it.

[BikeMomma]

I have felt all your hugs, and will be taking one step at a time, and move on.

This too shall past, and hopefully I will be stronger for it.

That's my girl -- I'll give you an "A" for attitude - the right one. Keep that chin up, girlfriend.

You sure have some awesome friends here....heck, you brought everyone out of the woodwork, supporting and trying to help you sort out why this dude is how he is (who knows about that one ). Amazing the human spirit in times of need, eh?

Take it easy,
Kim

[uforgot]

My suggestion was for counseling. I never intended it for both of you. I meant for YOU! Find someone who isn't in his department and neutral. There is a reason for all of this and like Lisa said, you aren't going to get any answers here. There may be a bigger picture and deeper issues than what you are seeing. A lot of us have been exactly where you are. The signs were all there, believe me. Don't try to figure this out yourself and quit calling him. Take a breather and try to clear your head. The fact that you are discussing this here speaks volumes. You are reaching out. Find the answers with someone trained to help you find what's best for you.

[dirtygirl1]

milkbone...

So sorry to hear about all of this ... keep on riding (it helps to clear the head) and doing what you are doing. You are in a tough situation.

Sounds like communication is the key to this situation ... hopefully you guys will get a chance to chat one-on-one face-to-face so you can both lay your cards on the table. Be honest with yourself and him and you won't have any regrets.

Only you know what is right for you ... as you already know we are all here rooting for you!

Hugs!

[ikkin]

milkbone, i'm so sorry you're suffering.

my only advice, and it might be hard to see the value in it right now, but just trust me: don't do anything untill you're in the best mental place you can be. don't talk to him or try to do anything untill you're feeling good yourself. feeling good means no defensiveness, no hurt, no expectations, etc. it might not seem possible to feel good given the circumstances, but it is. we all have more strength and love inside of us than we give ourselves credit for.

when you're calm and centered (and only when you're calm and centered), see what makes sense to you to do. but don't do or try anything while you're even remotely upset, because the upset will color any interaction with him in an unproductive way.

i know that might be hard because it probably seems really urgent to talk to him/figure things out. the urgency is a warning sign- it's telling you you're not nuetral/calm yet. and untill you're both neutral/calm you'll both keep seeing things the way you're currently seeing them- which will just bring up the same old problems. which isn't the way to a new solution.

sounds like your guy is probably stuck in a bit of a mental rut and isn't seeing anything new either. that would explain the boredom. but boredom is just a state of mind. it can shift, states of mind (as we all know, thank god) aren't permanent. otherwise we'd all be in the same mood all the time. but mental ruts seem permanent when we're in them- and they subsequently prevent us from learning, from happiness, from love. but happiness and love is always available. it doesn't go away, it just gets covered up by thinking/analyzing/expecting. sort of like clouds cover up the sun.

anyway, it sounds like you guys both unintentionally lost sight of your neutral good feelings for each other through a bit too much thinking/brooding (him) and/or analyzing/expecting (you?). so get in that good, nuetral, calm place and let your heart guide you. but your heart won't be able to guide you 'till your brain quiets down a bit.

i hope that makes sense, and i'll be pulling for you both. it's never too late. it is, however, sometimes too early. good luck.

[Geonz]

here's some more free advice

... "boredom" is a word a little bit like love. It is used in all kinds of different ways for different reasons.
When students are doing poorly in school they often say it's because they are "bored" - and sometimes it is because the work is too easy, and sometimes because it is too hard, and sometimes because it seems utterly irrelevant because other things take up all the mental space...or because everything is boring because that's what depression can feel like. It's rarely as simple as that the stuff needs to be made a little more interesting. So saying he's "bored" can mean just about anything.

Also pulling for you...

[DDH]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I read your first post and thought, Wow, I could have written that. My DH is very bad about birthdays and any other kind of special occasion. I feel like I am lucky sometimes to get even an acknowledgement of a special ocassion like a birthday or mothers day, much less a card or present. He has gotten better over the years but is still very bad. We have been together 24 years and that is one of my major complaints, but I learned a long time ago that it isn't because he doesn't care or love me. I try very hard not to take it personally because I know it isn't a reflection of how he feels.

What your guy has done is inexcusable to a degree, and I really couldn't blame you if you didn't let him come back. He needs to understand that although you love him, when people do things like this to hurt us, it causes us to put up defenses to protect ourselves. It causes a bit of mis-trust of feelings, and he will have to understand that it may take you a bit to let your guard back down.
He has broken down the trust not by cheating but by hurting you, and he needs to understand that you also will need time now that he has pushed it this far ecspecially without a reasonable explanation. I'm bored is not reasonable, nor is it a real explanation.
We tend to expect others to make us happy rather than take on that responsiblity ourselves, and he and you need to understand that our happiness and completeness for lack of a better word are our own responsibility.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get off on a tangent and sorry for the long post. I just feel so badly for you.
I think I would tell him next time he told me he's just bored, that he better be able to come up with something better than that if he expects you to ever trust him again, or will allow him to come back. You have a responsibility to your boys and he didn't hurt you alone when he pulled this stunt.