He didn't do a thing for my 30th birthday!

[makbike]

Milkbone,

I certainly can relate to what you are going through at the moment. When I read your initial post I thought to myself "I know that guy." Your ex sounds a lot like my ex. After a year of counseling and help from some good friends I can now look back at my past relationship and know there were all kinds of problems with it. The end of your relationship is not your fault. Lean on your friends, journal your thoughts, find a good counselor, keep yourself busy, ride and ride some more, etc but whatever you do not beat yourself up over this.

[Tuckervill]

Aren't you glad that a jerk like that is not going to have an influence over your kids anymore??

That's how little boys learn to be husbands, you know, watching the man in their mother's life. Expect nothing less than the best treatment for yourself; offer nothing less than the best treatment to your significant other; do all that for the good of your children. They're worth it.

Your pain will subside and you'll soon see how good life can be with the right partner.

Karen

[bmccasland]

Milkbone - as an X Firefighter's wife, boy does this sound like dejavu all over again. Any chance the Department has counselors that you could see? And if your BF says he's bored, have you asked what he'd like to do different? I don't know how busy his station is, my X literally did stand-up 24's (no sleep), which just wore him down. One of the things the counselor asked both of us was the status of our parent's marriages - both divorced. So we didn't exactly learn good examples.

Are there things you used to do together that you don't do now? Does the department have any kind of intramureal (sp?) team - volleyball, softball, basketball? That he can play, you and the kids go to the game and cheer? If he hasn't done this before, do any of the other guys in the station, and could they recruit him? If he's bored, he needs to try something different, with the family. Firefighters tend to internalize, for privacy reasons there are somethings they can't tell family, some they don't want to re-live. There's a reason firefighters, cops, and ER folks tend to socialize among themselves. It's a special life that the general public just doesn't get. Watching shows on TV really doesn't cover it. My X used to tell folks at non-Fire parties he was a quality control person at a burlap bag factory.

Which brings me back to talking to a Department counselor, if available. Might help you, and him.

Best wishes and big hugs

[Triskeliongirl]

I am really sorry to learn of this recent turn of events. BE STRONG, for you, for your kids. Give yourselves time to cool off, and then try to talk about it like rational adults. Relationships are a two way street. We are hearing one side here, and to me its not about 'blame' or 'faults' its about two people figuring out if this relationship can be made to work better, for the people involved.

[indigoiis]

My now husband and I went through something very similar when we were about three years into our relationship. As Mr. Silver says back in his post, men and women often speak different love languages and my guy and I were talking different languages. It turns out on top of that that he has Asperger's, which explains a lot of his behavior at the time and his subsequent behavior. At the time I just thought he was stubborn and didn't love me. But he did and does love me, it just took some time and patience to figure it all out. Pressure from me helped little if at all - in fact, tears and "discussions" pushed him further away.

Guys like this are very much a challenge and not easy to deal with. If he makes motions to get back together and you are interested, keep in mind that he is an individual with his own head and oftentimes we can't know what's going on with our partners. We just have to have patience and faith.

Happy birthday to you... and hope all works out.

[mimitabby]

Geez, Milkbone, i'm so sorry. I like the department counselor idea. And do get on your bike. Yeah, saturn return. read about it. mine was tough too.

[teawoman]

Man, I hate it when people say they're bored. Are you not capable of entertaining yourself, finding interesting things in yourself and life? You're sure not capable of much personal depth if you're bored that easily. It's not anyone's problem but yours if you're bored.

Note to self: overidentify much?

I am sorry this happened to you, Milkbone.

[Tuckervill]

Boredom is an emotion. If a person is angry or sad, would you tell them to just get over it? I would appreciate it much if my SO didn't take it personally that I was bored, just like he shouldn't take it personally that I was sad. (Unless he did something to make me so, then he should be contrite, if necessary.)

Karen

[teawoman]

I disagree that it's an emotion. I'll explain what I mean a bit. There's a big difference between "I'm angry at you" and "I'm bored with you." There's also big difference between "I'm bored with you" and "I'm bored" in general.

I think you can say that a household routine of cooking, cleaning, and looking after kids is boring as opposed to making it personal and saying "I'm bored with you in particular." The latter just seems mean and rude. I could never say to another person, "It bores me silly when you do x". It's pretty presumptuous and (to me) very different from "It makes me sad or angry when you do x."

[pll]

Teawoman: I agree that saying "I'm bored with you" would be intentionally hurtful. However, there was only an "I'm bored" / "bored with the day to day routine" mention, though. And, in general, boredom is an affective/emotional state.

Milkbone: virtual hugs to you. I cannot add anything to what people have said already.

[teawoman]

Ok, fair enough. Just more hugs to Milkbone!

[milkbone]

Everyone thank you so much for your comments and hugs and words of wisom - I have read and considered them all (a few times) -

He just said he was bored, not bored with any one thing in particular - he didn't say he just said he was bored, and that we had a ground hog day routine, then he said that I say "I don't know" and "whatever" too much, he also said "Yes, I love you, I'm just bored" as he left....he won't talk to me and says all we do is argue, which isn't true - I attempt to talk and then he starts ranting and raving and won't calm down nor let me have a word in edge wise.
He's gone and I'm miserable and my boys are sad as well.

We began cycling (mtn and road) together, kayaking too we both love to read and going to Barnes and Noble - we bagan the cycling and kayaking together, neither was a hobby prior to "us". I'm a paramedic so I tend to understand the pressures and issues associated with emergency work, he works in a pretty slow dept with v. few major calls, I work for the county and is a 180 from where he works, I did some firefighting in my past too..

I had no idea he was having such big issues, he says he told me all the time he didn't like me saying "I don't know and whatever - which he did, but I didn't know it could/would lead to this, I thought it was like me telling him to wipe the water off from around the sink when he shaves in the morning - annoying but not a relationship killer.

I'm just devasted and tried to call upon my friends, and they have been there for me, just like you guys have been. One of my other guy friends told me it won't be hard for me to find someone else Thats not on my mind right now, but it was nice to hear.

Thanks again TE.

[Grog]

BIG HUG to you, Milkbone. This is not a very nice turn to the story, but perhaps you don't want to spend your life with a guy who breaks up over a text message, either...

I was thinking about your patio set over the past few hours... 'cause I've been intensively shopping for furniture with my husband for the past week. The other day we bought a "bed". A bed not from Ikea, that we did not have to assemble ourselves, that is very very high quality and will last us for years and years. Expensive, too. A "grown up" bed. I was a little shocked.

I know it may sound silly, but buying and setting up all those material things recently has got me thinking a lot about the relationship, too. I can tell you that if there was something that bothered me with our relationship right now, I would have been thinking about it, and buying furniture would have freaked me out.

Maybe your patio set-buying thing got your guy thinking... Buying any big-ticket item with another person can raise lots of questions, and it's quite different from going on spontaneous parties and adventures with your friends. Maybe he realized that he was not ready to be in that kind of relationship?

Anyway, this is a bit of an idle reflection now that it seems that the relationship is over. I just wanted to point out that the last few weeks might have meant two different things to the two of you... unfortunately.

Good luck!!

[Geonz]

Just to add my hugs to the mix ... can't add advice 'cause you've had lots of good advice. Welp, except that you can't change the past.. but the future is yours... even though it might not be what you thought it would be.

[milkbone]

BIG HUG to you, Milkbone. This is not a very nice turn to the story, but perhaps you don't want to spend your life with a guy who breaks up over a text message, either...

I was thinking about your patio set over the past few hours... 'cause I've been intensively shopping for furniture with my husband for the past week. The other day we bought a "bed". A bed not from Ikea, that we did not have to assemble ourselves, that is very very high quality and will last us for years and years. Expensive, too. A "grown up" bed. I was a little shocked.

I know it may sound silly, but buying and setting up all those material things recently has got me thinking a lot about the relationship, too. I can tell you that if there was something that bothered me with our relationship right now, I would have been thinking about it, and buying furniture would have freaked me out.

Maybe your patio set-buying thing got your guy thinking... Buying any big-ticket item with another person can raise lots of questions, and it's quite different from going on spontaneous parties and adventures with your friends. Maybe he realized that he was not ready to be in that kind of relationship?

Anyway, this is a bit of an idle reflection now that it seems that the relationship is over. I just wanted to point out that the last few weeks might have meant two different things to the two of you... unfortunately.

Good luck!!

Grog, I don't think so, good idea, but no - we bought a bedroom set about a year and a half ago, an entertainment center, and a used jeep cherrokee together....