He didn't do a thing for my 30th birthday!

[mimitabby]

a lot of good posts here. My DH will never forget my Bday because it's 5 days before his and he likes to crow about how we're the same age for 5 days.

I think you have to evaluate this guy. Does he do his share? is he kind to the kids? Does he cheat, lie?
Maybe he's not the romantic type. Can you live without that?

Next time TELL him what you want or expect. All you had to do was say " oh, how about like what i did for your birthday 2 years ago?" and if he doesn't remember what that was, then you refresh his memory.

After being married for 30 years, one of the biggest lessons I have learned (still learning) is that my husband is not a mind reader. He TRIES, he reallly does, but he just CANNOT do it.

If he's worth it, get over your hurt feelings (caused by your own expectations) and get on with life. it's far too short to waste your time nursing hurt feelings.

and happy birthday. 30 is a really heavy year, lift it with dignity, you're a grownup now.

[silver]

Happy Birthday!

I don't think it's just a man thing. It may have to do with his family upbringing. some families don't really make a big to do about birthdays. Mine didn't. I'm not big on celebrating birthdays or any holidays for that matter. It's a huge effort for me to "celebrate" others birthdays. I never feel that what I have done is adequate.

well, I really have no point here, just offering perhaps another point of view.

[tc1]

Shiftwork can make you a little nuts and a little disoriented about schedules. What I bet happened is he screwed up planning his shopping time. Sure, he knew it was your birthday last week, and was probably going to get something, asked you what you wanted, when the two of you couldn't figure it out he thought he'd get to it later. Then he went back to work. And whenever he would remember, the stores were closed.

If you want the big production on your birthday, you will have to tell him. I had to tell my wonderful BF that I would rather go to a show than get more stuff, and that IT'S NOT A BIRTHDAY WITHOUT CAKE.

[Wahine]

I come from a family that doesn't do much for birthdays. When I started seeing my DH (BF then), I didn't do much for his birthday, then he went all out for mine one month later. I later found out that he was kinda hurt about the whole thing. My advice - if you have expectations or desires in life, vocalize them. Everyone makes mistakes and has a different background/culture and perspective that they are living with.

I'd be more concerned about what's happened after the fact. It doesn't sound like either of you have made a huge effort to talk about this or resolve the issue. So what's going to happen in the future if you don't see eye to eye about something else like how to discipline a child that's been caught stealing or with drugs? Honestly, I think you should look at this as an opportunity to explore your relationship and talk about things. Communication is vital and from what you've posted here, I'd have to say some work needs to be done in that department. These hurdles often offer couples a chance to become closer and stronger if you work through them.

But I really don't know what I'm talking about... just an opinion.

[KnottedYet]

My sweetie and I have missed multiple momentous occasions due to circumstances beyond our control.

We've made the conscious decision to celebrate those occasions later, when things are better. Like "Hooray! Next week is Chriskwanzakah 2006! Hot diggity!" Even if we're celebrating in 2010.

Communication is everything. Missing a special calendar date is manageable if you talk about it. Even after the fact.

Maybe make your birth "day" next month the day for your celebration?

[milkbone]

Well, I attempted to talk to him and boy have things done a 180, I tried to explain I was hurt whether or not it was intentional and then he told me he's "bored", there wasn't any clues to what the heck is going on or something was even close to wrong, we've been in committed relationship, lived together, he's been a great father figure for my boys, he has put alot of committment towards my house, physical labor and financial, we just bought a big patio set just a week ago. He told me he's bored, and tells me "yeah, I love you, but I'm just bored" I can't see how in the world he is bored between work, the boys, cub scouts, soccer, we volunteer on a rescue squad, road and mtn bike, kayak etc.... He also made the statement that I would need to change my personality - according to him this all just happened and he didn't relize any of it.
I'm assuming our relationship is over and I'm just waiting for him to finally say it, I don't want it to be over, and I love him, and am just plain miserable, but it just seems he doens't want to be here now for whatever reason.
I began crying again this morning, and tried to talk to him, (not argue by any means) and he went off the deep end yelling at me and slamming stuff telling me to stop arguing and twisting everything he's saying around, I tried to tell him I'm not trying to twist things around I'm trying to figure out what the heck is going on and why did this happen all of sudden? He says he didn't even relize it, and left in a storm....


Thanks, ladies, for the words of encouragement, you've brought smiles to my tear streaked face.

[redrhodie]

(((((milkbone)))). Hope it turns out okay for you.

[sundial]

Milkbone, I'm really sorry.

[Blueberry]

((((((milkbone))))))))

I think it's time to treat yourself for your birthday. Do something kind for you.

Wish I had words of wisdom to offer, but I don't

CA

[sundial]

[Mr. Bloom]

Milkbone, I hope you sort this out Sorry for the long post, but after 25 years with Silver and a lot of grey (and thinning) hair, I have some perspective.

Every relationship has good things and bad things...good times and bad times. If you can say the good is, let's say, 85% of the time, then focus on that and the 15% will pass.

I hope that the "birthday event" has not triggered a focus on just the 15% and caused you to overlook all the good things. And remember, in the heat of the moment, we all say stupid things...and he may not have really meant things he said.

There's an outstanding book called "The Five Love Languages". The basic premise is that everyone expresses love in five ways:
- Words of Affirmation (encouragement, support, etc)
- Quality Time (time together, activities, etc)
- Gifts (giving and receiving)
- Acts of Service (selfless things, help around the house, etc)
- Touch (holding, hugging, etc)

Often, misunderstanding and conflict arise from one person expressing their love in a different language than the other is expecting. Men and women are wired differently, and even without gender differences, all people are as well. I'm a "touch" person, Silver's not. She's a "Quality of Time" of time person. If I want to reach out to her...and make a difference, I need to choose her language. Neither of us are real "Gift" people...she nearly killed me when I gave a Surprise Party for her 30th birthday...but I had fun

For instance, it seems like he is big on Acts of Service with the kids, the house, etc...and you're giving him credit for that. But, it sounds like you receive or expect to receive love in a different way.

Don't read too much into what I'm saying. None of us has a real solution to offer because we all have limited direct insight. I simply encourage you to challenge your own perspective before reaching a conclusion that there's nothing here.

[Mr. Bloom]

Ditto!

[Wahine]

Milkbone - I am really sorry for this turn of events. I know this is really hard but you needed to have him say that to you. You may never know what happened to your relationship. It's impossible to understand sometimes. But take it from a confessed adreneline junkie... we do get bored even when we're busy. Something new has to happen all the time. And when we are bored, the easiest thing to o is to blame our relationships for our unhappiness/caged in feeling. I almost left the man who became my DH for the same reason. Until I figured out that the problem was with me not my relationship.

Anyway. He is not happy and right now, right or wrong he thinks the source of that unhappiness is his home life. He has to figure it out and he never do that. I certainly know many adult men and a few women who go through relationships like crazy for this reason because they aren't happy unless they are experiencing the thrill of the relationship early on.

I hope things get better for you. We're here to listen.

((((((hugs)))))))

[Susan126]

Happy Birthday Milkbone!

Lots of great advice here! Listen to your heart and gut feeling. Only you know him! I know my hubby loves me after 30+ years. He has his ways of showing it to me that are truly his WAY!

Take care and know you always have ears and shoulders in here for you!

Sue

[Triskeliongirl]

Milkbone, only you know how deep his words go. BUT, I think what you are missing is that he is feeling just as hurt, even more so than you are. You are feeling hurt cuz you feel he messed up your birthday. BUT he is feeling hurt, cuz he feels you don't appreciate all the OTHER stuff he seems to do for you and your children EVERY DAY. I will be really honest. Biologically it is very unusual to see a man do this much for a women with children that aren't his own. I think you need to recognize and appreciate this more. Also, many men don't like it when women cry. They view it that the women are trying to manipulate/guilt trip them. I am not saying you are doing this, I am just trying to tell you what he may be thinking. Instead of crying, you need to learn to communicate with words instead of tears.

Regarding the boredom remark. I think there are 2 kinds of boredom we encounter in our lives. One type can be fixed by having new experiences. The other type can be fixed by making sure you are making time for each other, figuring out creative ways to vary you sex life and keep it new and fresh and interesting, etc. Maybe both could be taken care of by a little vacation together. It doesn't have to be expensive, maybe you could get a family member to take care of your children while you went on an adventure, be it a bike tour or a weekend getaway.

Also, do you make time for each other? Speaking from the vantage point of a 24 year old successful marriage, we have always had a weekly date night, a time set aside to be a couple, no matter what else was going on in our family our professional lives. Maybe something like that would help.