Difficult work conversations: a gender perspective

[Crankin]

Well, I would not cry at work, if it was regarding a "work" situation.If someone was telling me bad news, or it was family related, I wouldn't care, but if I was in a meeting and the topic was a difficult one, but purely work, I would not cry. I cry fairly easily in other situations, but I really don't think it's professional at work. Sorry, but I think we all (both men and women) should be able to control our emotions in a work situation. It's just a job...

[Pax]

Well, I would not cry at work, if it was regarding a "work" situation.If someone was telling me bad news, or it was family related, I wouldn't care, but if I was in a meeting and the topic was a difficult one, but purely work, I would not cry. I cry fairly easily in other situations, but I really don't think it's professional at work. Sorry, but I think we all (both men and women) should be able to control our emotions in a work situation. It's just a job...

I admire your ability to control your emotions.

As far as what constitutes "professional" behavior, that is the crux of this discussion. Is any emotion allowed? If so, which ones? Is anger, joy, fear, or happiness permitted at work or is the workplace to be kept emotion free and level at all times? If some emotion is acceptable who decides what is "professional"?

[Deborajen]

I don't think that learned behavioral responses are necessarily a bad thing. I don't want to cry at work over a work matter any more than I'd throw my hands up in the air and "woo hoo!" at work over a work matter.

At work, the focus is business and emotions are more subdued. Not emotion-free, but usually responses are more "formal" (ie., a speech is given after a big success, a person takes some bereavement leave after a death in the family, etc.). If a person in the office is crying, then other employees are distracted wanting to know what's wrong and wanting to offer comfort, etc. Emotional responses are often seen as some kind of disruption, thus the learned behavior of taking steps to keep them in check.

As far as who determines what's acceptable and professional, that would be the person in charge at that particular business - or that person's boss, etc. Like it or not, well, that's the starting point.

[alpinerabbit]

I cry. I've cried in all kinds of situations. The pressure was huge at times.
I've got the talent for having tears stream down and being able to continue in a calm voice to say what I have to say. At least I don't unravel completely.

I've managed not crying in front of customers so far, which is excellent, but I don't think the advice just not to do it is a feasible way to go for those who are built too close to water.

[shootingstar]

At work, the focus is business and emotions are more subdued. Not emotion-free, but usually responses are more "formal" (ie., a speech is given after a big success, a person takes some bereavement leave after a death in the family, etc.). If a person in the office is crying, then other employees are distracted wanting to know what's wrong and wanting to offer comfort, etc. Emotional responses are often seen as some kind of disruption, thus the learned behavior of taking steps to keep them in check.

As far as who determines what's acceptable and professional, that would be the person in charge at that particular business - or that person's boss, etc. Like it or not, well, that's the starting point.

+1.
Let's just step back...and think of any female managers/executives that any of us may personally know for any place we have worked...and those we have greatly respected. Most likely those who move further up the ranks /have been there for awhile AND who are highly respected by their peers female and male, and across the organizations....have at least outwardly behaviours at work, that are ..stable/predictable.

Sounds boring, but that is reality. But it doesn't mean being a robot or wooden. Helpful to know the corporate culture first. And helpful after being a new employee or working for a few years, to blend in professional and personal style.

[Crankin]

++1.
What is professional in one industry is not in another. I work in a women dominated profession and I really can't think of a time when this has been an issue. We did, once interview a candidate for an assistant principal job. This woman, who was quite qualified, cried at the interview, sort of at the whole "passion" involved in working with kids. It was very uncomfortable for all of us. My boss told me she cried at the next interview, 1:1 with just the two of them.
I too, look at my boss as a role model. She is a passionate, professional who is a very nice person (but doesn't put up with any s***). I have never seen her cry, in 9 years. The only time I've seen colleagues cry has been in private conversations when they were frustrated about some situation with a kid, or more likely, a parent.

[tc1]

"Well, gee, I sure am glad someone finally clued me in how to hold back the tears. How could I have possibly missed such an obvious trick all these years? Obviously my place is in the kitchen. I clearly don't belong in the workplace since I can't keep my emotions in control. (Sorry if the sarcasm isn't coming across clearly enough.)" quoted from post

OK, so I thought in your original post you were asking for suggestions. I never said being in control was easy, it takes a lot of forethought, concentration and mental preparation. I said, and am saying again, that mental rehearsal helps when you know a bad meeting is coming up. I never said, or implied, that you don't belong in the workplace.

I still think, from what I have seen in my job experience, that the truth as is usual lies somewhere in the middle. Women need to toughen up a bit, men need to be a little less tough.

[wackyjacky1]

I try to keep in mind that work is work; it's business, it's not personal. When things get frustrating, I remind myself of that, and that helps me keep my emotions under control. I have never cried at work, but that's not to say I haven't gone home afterwards and bawled my eyes out!

I have a co-worker who cries at everything. She simply can not handle even the most well-intentioned constructive criticism, however nicely it's put to her. I have even seen her do the hand-to-the-forehead-and-collapse-to-the-floor-in-distress routine. The rest of us literally step over or around her as we go about our jobs -- we don't even notice it anymore!