Difficult work conversations: a gender perspective

[tc1]

OK, I have a different perspective. 20+ years in a "traditionally male" field. I see two unrelated issues in your letter. The first is whether or not you need a witness. Only you can answer that, given the situation. A manager with any sense should know that if an employee wants a witness, they should have one.

Second, you can't cry. You just can't, not over work stuff. To avoid it, rehearse mentally beforehand. Tell yourself regarding the boss 'I don't care, you can't hurt me, your opinion doesn't matter, you are too dumb to get emotional about.' Think about the subject, when you get to the point in the exercise where you are going to cry, find something else to think about to stay on topic. Take a deep breath, or two, then keep going.

If you are sad over personal issues you don't have to be in such tight control. But if it just job stuff, don't give them the satisfaction of seeing they hurt you. Part of being in the workplace is appearing tough and in control.

[mupedalpusher]

Melalvai, seems to me that you've made the right decision not to follow this guy to his next destination if he is this uncaring of your feelings. If he doesn't care enough about your feelings to allow you moral support then he's not worth uprooting your family for.

[shootingstar]

If you are sad over personal issues you don't have to be in such tight control. But if it just job stuff, don't give them the satisfaction of seeing they hurt you. Part of being in the workplace is appearing tough and in control.

Maybe in control of tears over work-related matters, not necessarily tough. Every situation is different, but make those tears in public workplace as infrequent as possible. There's always the washroom to retire to...

I've worked for several male-dominant organizations, both terms of % gender numbers and also as reflected in the management composition, primarily men filling those ranks. Methinks most people would forgive tears if it's a personal family matter that you are trying to cope with, but it's probably wise to control those tears if it's job-related, out of public eye.

Not alot of people in an organization are jerks (at least not for the employers I've worked for, despite demands on employees). It's often just 1-2 jerks. Sometimes tears makes other people (bystanders) wonder how carefully they should treat the person who blew up in tears last time over a work-related matter.

Anyway, each person is different. Often I wonder at times, also it's the employee's family upbringing and other things in life prior to the job, that shapes a person's response to certain comments/situations. I know for myself, I was raised in a family that can be blunt/frank to one another with lots of noise, arguing, etc. If I have done something wrong at work, I need to have someone tell me bluntly in the face, otherwise an overly smooth/soothing remark might just bypass "deaf'/clueless me.

[Pax]

Unfortunately, in this society we suffer from paradigm paralysis, we're expected to emulate the dominant paradigm in the workplace even though it doesn't represent us.

It's time we start changing what is considered acceptable in the workplace. We're not robots and we're not men, when we are very angry or very hurt we cry, it's not good or bad, or unprofessional, or manipulative...it's just an expression of an emotion.

[Crankin]

Well, I would not cry at work, if it was regarding a "work" situation.If someone was telling me bad news, or it was family related, I wouldn't care, but if I was in a meeting and the topic was a difficult one, but purely work, I would not cry. I cry fairly easily in other situations, but I really don't think it's professional at work. Sorry, but I think we all (both men and women) should be able to control our emotions in a work situation. It's just a job...

[Pax]

Well, I would not cry at work, if it was regarding a "work" situation.If someone was telling me bad news, or it was family related, I wouldn't care, but if I was in a meeting and the topic was a difficult one, but purely work, I would not cry. I cry fairly easily in other situations, but I really don't think it's professional at work. Sorry, but I think we all (both men and women) should be able to control our emotions in a work situation. It's just a job...

I admire your ability to control your emotions.

As far as what constitutes "professional" behavior, that is the crux of this discussion. Is any emotion allowed? If so, which ones? Is anger, joy, fear, or happiness permitted at work or is the workplace to be kept emotion free and level at all times? If some emotion is acceptable who decides what is "professional"?

[Deborajen]

I don't think that learned behavioral responses are necessarily a bad thing. I don't want to cry at work over a work matter any more than I'd throw my hands up in the air and "woo hoo!" at work over a work matter.

At work, the focus is business and emotions are more subdued. Not emotion-free, but usually responses are more "formal" (ie., a speech is given after a big success, a person takes some bereavement leave after a death in the family, etc.). If a person in the office is crying, then other employees are distracted wanting to know what's wrong and wanting to offer comfort, etc. Emotional responses are often seen as some kind of disruption, thus the learned behavior of taking steps to keep them in check.

As far as who determines what's acceptable and professional, that would be the person in charge at that particular business - or that person's boss, etc. Like it or not, well, that's the starting point.

[alpinerabbit]

I cry. I've cried in all kinds of situations. The pressure was huge at times.
I've got the talent for having tears stream down and being able to continue in a calm voice to say what I have to say. At least I don't unravel completely.

I've managed not crying in front of customers so far, which is excellent, but I don't think the advice just not to do it is a feasible way to go for those who are built too close to water.

[shootingstar]

At work, the focus is business and emotions are more subdued. Not emotion-free, but usually responses are more "formal" (ie., a speech is given after a big success, a person takes some bereavement leave after a death in the family, etc.). If a person in the office is crying, then other employees are distracted wanting to know what's wrong and wanting to offer comfort, etc. Emotional responses are often seen as some kind of disruption, thus the learned behavior of taking steps to keep them in check.

As far as who determines what's acceptable and professional, that would be the person in charge at that particular business - or that person's boss, etc. Like it or not, well, that's the starting point.

+1.
Let's just step back...and think of any female managers/executives that any of us may personally know for any place we have worked...and those we have greatly respected. Most likely those who move further up the ranks /have been there for awhile AND who are highly respected by their peers female and male, and across the organizations....have at least outwardly behaviours at work, that are ..stable/predictable.

Sounds boring, but that is reality. But it doesn't mean being a robot or wooden. Helpful to know the corporate culture first. And helpful after being a new employee or working for a few years, to blend in professional and personal style.

[bean fidhleir]

Unfortunately, in this society we suffer from paradigm paralysis, we're expected to emulate the dominant paradigm in the workplace even though it doesn't represent us.

It's time we start changing what is considered acceptable in the workplace. We're not robots and we're not men, when we are very angry or very hurt we cry, it's not good or bad, or unprofessional, or manipulative...it's just an expression of an emotion.

Well said! I fervently agree that what's acceptable in the workplace must change. Not only aren't we men or robots, but the dominant, male-oriented ruthlessly-conquer-and-exploit model is what's got us headed for the fossil record.

But change agents are usually made to pay a high price by the defending power structure, and I don't know what to do about that. It feels hard to recommend to other women that they sacrifice their personal life goals and economic wellbeing in the service of a better world. Yet I'm not sure there's another choice.

[Geonz]

There's a difference between tears & hysteria. What's the difference between emotional gestures of enthusiasm or disapproval or... it really is a cultural thing. Can a person cry and get the job done? I think sometimes...
There's a whole scientific side of it, too. For all that some of us can't help but cry, others can control it and use it... and I would suspect that some people can't help but feel extreme distraction and discomfort in the presence of tears, and others can.
I realized when I took a couple of courses in Fine Arts (how to do computer art - I'm still utterly left-brained ) that heavens, those folks were just a whole lot more emotional. (No, I have no idea if that applies to FIne ARts in general or just those folks, but I did find myself saying "well, d'uh!") It was definitely a different culture and you had to learn to work within it. I mean, if I were crying over something in a class ... welp, if I did that regular-like I'd figure that meant I should change my major... because that wouldn't be normal for me. For some folks, though, it's just part of the creative process.

[shootingstar]

I realized when I took a couple of courses in Fine Arts (how to do computer art - I'm still utterly left-brained ) that heavens, those folks were just a whole lot more emotional. (No, I have no idea if that applies to FIne ARts in general or just those folks, but I did find myself saying "well, d'uh!") It was definitely a different culture and you had to learn to work within it. I mean, if I were crying over something in a class ... welp, if I did that regular-like I'd figure that meant I should change my major... because that wouldn't be normal for me. For some folks, though, it's just part of the creative process.

What has been really interesting where I work now....are cultural differences in management style even just among men. Many Canadian supervisors at our construction site are just amazed how much mean hollering/yelling the German suvpervisors often rain upon the labourers and tradespeople to get things done. It has infuriated some guys who aren't accustomed to that type of domineering vs. more diplomatic management/supervision...that they go straight to HR dept. to complain.

Part of the problem as well is what a person's facial expression looks like when they are thinking in a concerned way or engrossed in thinking about a problem. I've had people mistaken it ..for me, being distant and cool when that wasn't my intent at all.

[Crankin]

I think the range of opinions on this is more interesting than the original question. I am not a cold hard b****, and certainly not devoid of emotion. But, I've been told that I think like a man . I seem to be able to compartmentalize things so the emotion of one thing does not get in the way of another. I see it as being realistic and pragmatic. People think there's something wrong with me because I am not sitting around crying about Scott being in Iraq. Well, he's there, he chose his career, and he's happy. There is nothing I can do! He wouldn't want me to be morose and I have plenty of things to keep me busy until he safely returns. If something bad happens, I'll deal with it, but I can't live paralyzed by fear.
Of course, I was the mom who never felt guilty about working, either.

[Tuckervill]

Unfortunately, in this society we suffer from paradigm paralysis, we're expected to emulate the dominant paradigm in the workplace even though it doesn't represent us.

It's time we start changing what is considered acceptable in the workplace. We're not robots and we're not men, when we are very angry or very hurt we cry, it's not good or bad, or unprofessional, or manipulative...it's just an expression of an emotion.

+1!

I have all sons, all brothers, and mostly male cousins. I am president of the youth baseball league which consists of mostly men. I was in the Army. I have lots of experience working exclusively with men.

It is my feeling that people who respond negatively to tears do so because they find them an insurmountable obstacle. It's not anything that they can control. Men don't seem to be in touch with what their reaction should be to someone crying. Crying serves some evoluntionary/societal purpose, but we seemed to have lost what it is and how it works.

I don't understand why, but I sure agree with you, Queen. It's not wrong to cry.

Karen

[mupedalpusher]

Melalvai, you come across campus to the Vet School and I'll beat you until you learn to be a cold hard BIT--!! (insert lots of sarcasm here).

I've had two workers who cry and it makes me uncomfortable but I deal with it as positive as I can. I'm pretty sure it's hard for me because my mother cries at the drop of a hat and for some reason I saw it as a sign of weakness in her. She used to call me cold and uncaring because I didnt' cry. Her constant criticism of my lack of emotions certainly didn't get the outcome she desired! It's easy for me to blame her but in all honesty I think I was born this way.

I've known you long enough to agree that you aren't sappy, you are just in a very stressful situation right now.