Long Pity Party, help!!!

[Zen]

Run away from home. On your bike.

[mupedalpusher]

Your comment of "I'll have to go back and do it over" caught my attention. You have to move past this way of thinking. I grew up with a mother like that and it made me unwilling to help because no matter how well I did dishes, laundry etc.. she always made a big deal of re-doing it. She was critical of me washing the dishes in the wrong side of the sink...now that's a control freak! Let me tell you from experience it's bad for a kids ego. I am a mother of 20 yr son and 11 yr old daughter and I have taught myself to accept their attempts no matter how well done they are and yes sometimes you may have to "help" afterwards but never, never tell them you had to redo it. I won't go in to details but our son was doing all his laundry by age 13, was made to help with cleaning (and sometimes it was a fight). He had to keep his bathroom clean but his room could be messy. Both our kids were taught right from the beginning to help clean the kitchen at night. Our philosophy is "everyone who eats helps clean". Our friends thought we were a little tough at times but our son is completely independent at age 20 and theirs isn't! At times he chose being grounded over keeping his bathroom clean. It was nothing more than a control fight so we just stood firm on what was expected and he got tired of not being able to go out with friends so he started keeping his bathroom clean! Don't allow your son to be lazy, you aren't doing anyone any favors. Everyone who lives in the house should help out, no free rides.

[OakLeaf]

MUP beat me to it, but I'll just add my +1. In my case it's a definite FWIW, because I'm nobody's mother and I make no claim to understand your struggles (I sure empathize though)!

But consider that your kids are learning that their best isn't good enough, and that if they don't know ahead of time that they can do something perfectly, they shouldn't even attempt it. You don't even want to know how I still struggle with this - or how dirty my house gets because it's not "worth" starting to clean unless I can commit two or three days to get it spotless from the windows to the carpets and blinds.

[sgtiger]

DDH,

First of all I just want to let you know that you don't sound selfish at all. You deserve you time. Whether it's the time you need to set aside to workout or just sit around with your feet up. It's okay.

Don't be afraid to delegate chores. They teach responsibility and a sense of accomplishment for our children which helps their self-esteem even as they grumble. Like others have said, let them own it. You've already recieved great advice on how to do that.

I agree that it is disruptive to have to stop everything to accommodate someone else's schedule. It's okay to say no. Saying no doesn't make you a bad person. I think it's time you start to draw boundaries with your MIL. If you don't mind driving your MIL around to her appointments perhaps you can at least have her limit them to specific times and days of the week i.e. Tues + Thurs between 10-1 pm. And as someone else suggested there are ride services for seniors out there that she can take the other days: some are even provided by public transportation and county services at a low cost. That may even have a positive effect on her mental health as it will help her regain her independence.




This last part is purely speculative please ignore if it doesn't apply:

Does she have friends who live close by that she visits or that visit her during her day? If not, she could be using the rides as an excuse just to have someone to talk to. Perhaps there is a senoirs program in your community that she can join. They usually offer a variety of social activites and classes that she can participate in.

Also, the grocery store paging incident makes me wonder if she gets a bit confused at times and is afraid to admit it. Have there been any other times that simple tasks overwhelm her? If so, I'd imagine it's not easy to admit that she's not as capable as she once was. I'm not sure what I would do if my parents ever show signs that they may not be able to care for themselves, other than I'd like to believe I'd try to treat their situation with sensitivity and see things from their perspective. I know my dad would never ask for help, he'd probably complain(the curmudgeon-y codger) 'til someone just stepped in. That way he doesn't lose face admitting he can't do something in front of his children; of course, he'll probably complain the whole time we're doing it that we're doing it wrong and how he should just do it himself. Anyhow, if it is the case suggesting she hire help may not be a bad idea if she can afford it, or you and your DH can afford it for her. If she can't, I'd check with community and church outreach programs that send someone to help with household chores. I've volunteered with one once a l-o-n-g time ago, and it makes a world of difference for seniors to not have to ask their loved ones for help all the time.

[ehirsch83]

I grew up with a mother like that and it made me unwilling to help because no matter how well I did dishes, laundry etc.. she always made a big deal of re-doing it. She was critical of me washing the dishes in the wrong side of the sink...now that's a control freak!

Another thing on this,
My ex's mom was a control freak- she had to do everything because it was her way or no way. This led to me being told, by him, that I didn't fold laundry correctly or make the bed right or hang the towels correctly- all because it wasn't how she did it.
We then moved to Albuquerque and lived with them for a little bit(this was also the last part of our relationship, and when I truly realized how much of a mamma's boy he was at the age of 33 I broke it off). Anyways, when we lived there, she would do his/our laundry, complain about me not doing the dishes correctly or not cooking correctly(and let me tell you, she cooks with crisco, margerine, tons of corn starch,etc. all things I don't use or eat).
Anyways, not only did it affect him growing up it affected me- so what I am saying is, if he learns to be dependant now he might have a better chance with relationships in the future with girls.

[Veronica]

Sounds like you may also want to have DS start calendaring his events. If it's not on the calendar, he doesn't go. And stand firm on this. It is not right for you to drop your plans because he neglected to tell you about an event. My 5th grade students can handle doing this. I post upcoming events, they write them in their planners. At the beginning you'll need to remind him, "Hey, have you put your events on the calendar this week?"

Start scheduling your time. Tell your MIL that beginning x day, you are no longer available between 8 - 10 am or whatever time it is that is best for you to work out. AND stick to your guns.

You cannot be there to take care of your loved ones, if you don't take care of yourself first.

V.

[Kano]

MIL -- assisted living!

This can be as simple as being in a complex where they make sure she's not dead each day. I'm sure that it costs more to have all meals, housekeeping, etc. taken care of, but consider that you will NOT have to deal with her lawn and her house if she's not in it. Nor will anyone else (well, the new owner). She'll have people to talk to when she goes for meals, or in the common areas, if she's so inclined.

Who knows, she could get too busy to have time for you!

DH has learned to do dishes. It's been a challenge: I can't find things, and he puts things that I use regularly on HIGH shelves where I need him to get them down, but I've learned to deal with that. What's harder to accept is his method of putting all the spoons in one bin of the silverware basket so that it's easier to put them away later -- they get nested, and don't all come clean, but he puts them away anyway!

No laundry for DH though -- he hasn't mastered NOT shrinking clothing!

Karen in Boise

[Grog]

{{{{ DDH }}}}

Do your son, and his future life companion, a BIG favour: please, please, please quit doing everything for him. He needs to learn to contribute to the household.

And if the socks are not folded (or rolled) exactly as you like, so what?

If there is once in a while a little speck of dried food on a plate, so what? Yeah, it's a bit gross, but scratch it off, forget about it, and eat.

If he dries the dishes with the rag you think is supposed to be the hand towel, so what?

I can tell you (from experience) that it won't kill you, nor will it ruin your house. Learn to make the difference between what matters and what doesn't.

I'm not always good at that. I am known to frown at my husband when he operates the espresso machine in a way that is only slightly different than me, and I'm really grossed out when he uses the wrong rag to dry the dishes. But, hey, he does it, and nobody's going to die or even to be sick from it.



Now, forgive the crackerjack-box psychology here, but... Maybe you are feeling that you don't have a lot of control over things that matter to you, like your weight and your time to exercise and perhaps other things, too. Perhaps you then are trying to control other things - that maybe don't matter that much... - to compensate?

And good luck with the mother-in-law. I'm sure this is a difficult and touchy issue...

[shootingstar]

Another big help might be a dry erase board.

My little sister and brothers have one(ages 9,15,16). Their chores for each day are listed and when they do it, a check mark goes on the board. They only get an allowance if they complete their chores. The older one does extra chores(cleans the pool, totally uncluttered the garage, mows,etc.) to pay for his car insurance. There chores range from feeding the dogs and cat, scooping poop, doing dishes/setting table, taking out garbage/recyling,etc.


I don't know if you give an allowance, maybe you don't- but it can make a great incentive to do the chores, and to do them to your specifications

It's better not to give allowance for doing chores. Sends the wrong message. None of my sisters raised their children in this way and they all have higher income than our parents. But of course, we grew up in a family of 6 children that was genuinely poor. Household chores is just part of living and done without pay...children have to learn that. Sorry, that's tough love...to build responsible adults.

Give restricted allowance when child needs certain things that they can buy and choose, learn to budget.

I don't have children but he does. Now they are fully grown.

He has a 93 yr. old mother in nursing home. She only went into nursing home 1.5 years ago. Before that ,he visited (by bike) her several times per wk. to do chores, accompany her on appointments... He did this for past 4 years. He has taken early retirement so he has a far more flexible schedule than I do...where I'm not home until 7:00 pm (leaving home at 5:30 am) due to long work-commute.

She lived independently about 4 kms. away from us.

He never asked me to look after her. He genuinely believes because it's his mother, it's his responsiblity. She is a sweet lady and has the type of personality one would want to visit. She now genuinely needs her son as the key family member in visits, because she has regressed to nearly 80% German in communication, due to her dementia and only he can understand her now. Grown granddaughter doesn't understand German.

DDH, I'm sure you will find solutions but of course, will take a few months. Especially with DS...might be a few years. Every baby step, takes time. I hope that DH has a good relationship with his mother that he'll want to help her directly more often.

As for housecleaning, this is one area at least, it's worthwhile for you and DH to pay for weekly maid service for mother-in-law. Just make sure you do the background checks on the folks entering her house...

[spindizzy]

oooo grog - Sounds like you live at my house. Love the cartoon!! I have a very close girlfriend whose floors you could eat off of. Our kids used to say on visits "Mom, why does her house smell so new?" (Hmmm what did ours smell like?)

My son, when he was in Gr. 8, wanted to know where his martial arts ghee was. I said I didn't know. He says (brace yourself)" I expect it to be clean, and folded and in my drawer." (the rage!!!!!) I have no idea where he heard that, but it was a BIG mistake. I proceeded to take all of his clothes out of the laundry hamper, threw them into his room and on the floor and told him that from now on, he was responsible for his laundry. He'll be heading off to university this year at least with laundry, ironing and some mediocre scrubbing skills.

Housework is probably the most frequent item my DH and I have fought about over the years. He always challenged me "why do you think your way is right?" "Because I have been doing it since I was 13...etc" I would say. (I still think I have the upper hand here, really hard to let that one go)

I, as Grog has suggested, have had to let go. Not to sweat the small stuff. It is really hard to do, but time for my training is way more important than an immaculate house that promises to get dirty again. I tell my kids, once a week, everything off the floor, dusted and vacuumed. If they insist on keeping their rooms a mess, the door stays shut so I don't have to look at it. And I've told my DH that my standards are as low as they are going to go; that he needs to raise his.

MIL -delicate situation that needs a family meeting on who does what, when. I'd work an overtime shift to get a cleaning lady....

I'll shut up now!

[DDH]

OMG, ladies, thanks so much. You weren't brutal at all, you didn't say anything that I don't alreayd know I should be doing, it's just so much easier said than done, at least with my MIL. She is a sweet lady but wants to die and complains about everything and has run all her friends off because people get sick of hearing all her woe is me stuff.
She thinks she cannot do anything and I believe it is simply because she doesn't want to try. Whoever mentioned assisted living, I have tried to get her to do that for months and months. She doesn't even want to make out her grocery list because she says it's to hard. I refuse!! There are just some things that she has to do herself or admit that she doesn't want to and go into the assisted living. We live in the country so the buses and such don't come out here and she has to much money to qualify for any assistant for ANYTHING. She grew up int he depresion and doesn't want to spend anything. She even complains about the grocery bill.
She has a car but decided since she doesn't use it to let the insurance and tags lapse so we can no longer use her car for anything. She was even going to give it to her daughter who lives in Shreveport LA. Does offer me any gas money but wants to give the car away. Anway, I am to the point of throwing my hands up with her, but for now, she still has to go to her appts. She has had breast cancer on the 3rd time now so she must go, and she has macular degeneration in one eye so those are a must and because of her age, her primary doctor want to see her every 6 months. The doctor has told her that if she was going to get cancer the one she got is the one to get. It is now treatable through a estrogen blocking pill. As long as she takes it, he says it won't come back, but she complains about taking the pill. She is 84 years old and takes 1 pill. I can only hope and pray that I am in that good of shape at 84.

Okay, as for DS, you girls are absolutely right. I take complete blame for that. Please know that I don't tell him he doesn't do things right. I had a dad that did that to us and I would never do that to him or make him feel bad as long as he made an effort. I think I just know it will be such a fight and I am so low on patience lately that I just get lazy and say forget it, I will do it myself. I know I am doing him NO favors and I know if I don't do something my DIL if I am lucky enough to have one some day, will hate me.
I just dont' know where to begin I guess.
DH, well he works so much overtime and stuff to enable us to have extras that I hate to ask him to do anything. He is a police officer and works 14 hour days most of the time, plus overtime on his days off. I think that is my own guilty conscience from not working outside the home anymore.
I use to work and brought pretty good money home, and after 7 years, I still feel bad about not helping with the finances. That's all me and I just haven't been able to get past that mentality.

I think Monday, I will make myself up a chore chart and give him one thing to do to start and then add later. I have said for a couple years now that I need to start teaching him to be self sufficient and not so spoiled. He does know how to clean his bathroom, and does it when I ask, but that is all I have taught him thus far.
I'm not sure I will add DH, somebody said baby steps. Sometimes I feel like he should see that I am overwhelmed and do something to help me, but he never does. Guess I shouldn't expect him to read my mind.

I did get a 23 mile ride in today. I left for a short ride and while I was already out, just decided that I was going to ride until I didn't feel like it anymore.
I'm tired now, and a little sore, I haven't ridden much this year yet, but I loved it and I want to go again tomorrow if the wind will stay down.
DH has to go to his aunts funeral but DS can stay home by himslef for a bit.
My MIL is not going to her own sister's funeral. She said it would be to long a day. ARRGGGG she frustrates me so. Things would be so much easier if she just didn't have such a terrible attitude. People would want to come visit her, and we wouldn't mind spending more time with her. She has so much to offer growing up before electricity in her house and the things she has seen. I have tried so many times to let her know she could have such a great life if she would just enjoy it a little and not hate it so much. I feel bad for her but after so many years of it, I'm tired and can't take the negativity anymore.

Thanks so much girls, you have made me feel so much better and made me realize I'm not doing my son any favors. I knew it, just needed a push and a reminder. I don't want my DIL to hate me.

[tc1]

DDH-I second what Oakleaf said. I have the same problem with perfectionism and cleaning avoidance, because my mom found it easier to do it herself.

I take my mom to a lot of appointments. I don't have kids, but I have a full time job. Things got a lot better for me when I started printing out my schedule, bringing to my mom's appointments, then setting the appointment time with the scheduler myself. If you don't have access to a calendar program, go to this website.
http://myboatclub.com/

You should spend some computer time surfing your county's website looking for what sort of help is out there for senior adults. There may be more than you think.

As for her *****ing, well, you just have to blow it off. Talk is cheap.

[Pyannyplayer]

I used to work for an Area Agency on Aging which can help you get some services for you MIL, such as a senior companion to take her places, in home care to help with housework, etc. Google Texas Area Agency on Aging or try this link:

http://www.dads.state.tx.us/contact/aaa.cfm

They have a county list and who to contact for that county. It is a service that should be free to her; there may be a slight fee for a senior companion or respite services, but otherwise, no cost.

Most states will have a caseworker come out and assess her needs. Most of the AAA's are there to help citizens over 60 that have no other resources. There are programs that help the primary caregiver (you) as well. You definitely need YOU time or you're going to burn out.....fast.

As far as all the other stuff: at my house Friday after school is housecleaning day. Each of my sons is assigned a bathroom, their room, and their laundry. No fun time until it's done. My husband vacuums, cleans our bathroom, and supervises. I take care of cooking, cleaning the kitchen, buying groceries, etc. Our boys take turns clearing the table and loading the dishwasher after meals; Sundays my husband does all of that. We all work hard, but as I tell my boys, I don't dirty their room, bathroom, etc., and they eat too so they need to help tidy up. I want them to be self sufficient once they're out of the house and, well, honestly, I can't do it all. I have lowered my standards "slightly", but all in all, they do a good job and it helps me out. It also makes me happier and I don't feel nearly as guilty about taking time for me (which makes me a better wife, mother, and person).

Just my thoughts. I know it's hard, but the time for you is important. It's important for all of us...young, old, male, or female....

Lorie

[DDH]

Thanks so much. I contacted them and left a msg regarding my MIL and we will see. I know that she will not be elgible for any assistance because of her income level and her assets, but at this point, she can start paying someone. She refuses to make a decsion about going into assisted living, but complainss about things being to hard for her and her not being able to handle it. You know how you get to the point that people disgust you when they won't do anything to help or change their situation and just wallow in it. I'm there!! I feel for her, but she refuses to do anything to change it and won't listen to sugestions or offers that she doesn't want to hear.
I just can't do it all and my DH cannot quit his job to take care of her either. So I get stuck and I'm just going to have to put my foot down. She has the money to hire help and that is what she needs to start doing.
Now, help me not feel so badly about it. I try to live my life so I dont have regrets later but now I'm living with frustration and resentment. Gosh the things we can let our minds do to us.

I'm going on a bike ride it always make me feel better.

[tulip]

Pyannyplayer gives very good advice on the Area Agency on Aging. Go talk to them!!

Did I read in one of these that your MIL lives 300 yards away? Can you possibly walk there to incorporate exercise (and relieve stress)?

Some grocery stores offer delivery service, like Pea Pod. You order groceries on line and they deliver them for a small fee. DO THIS--for you and for your MIL!

Speaking of the MIL, sounds like she's isolated and depressed. Area Agency on Aging will have resources to deal with this--activities, support, etc.

Schedules are very important in running a household. Everyone (DH included) should have their schedules posted somewhere central. That way, you know their schedule, and THEY KNOW YOURS! Make an appointment with yourself every day, and keep that appointment. It's very rude to break appointments, you know .

And if your house isn't perfect, so what? Ask yourself that alot: SO WHAT? If it's important, it will matter. If it's not, it won't.

Where to begin with DS? Start with a family meeting. You call the meeting, you set the agenda, you run the meeting. DS can help with laundry (certainly his own) and helping out with cooking and cleaning, mowing the lawn, trash. Be specific--expectations should be clear. He can help you cook, and in this way he learns how to cook. If he doesn't cut the carrots just so...SO WHAT!

It sounds like your DH does work very hard at his job, but he also is a part of your family. I actually enjoy the post-dinner cleanup with my partner because it gives us some time to talk.

Okay, I have one more question. Why are you still a SAHM when your DS is 13? Everyone has their own reasons, of course, but the main one that I always hear is, "to raise my kids." But your kid is in school most of the day, and is old enough to not need constant mother-presence. Going back to work may not be what you want to do, but if you could (and the MIL had some other support and the DS did chores), would you WANT to? Just a question.