Long Pity Party, help!!!

[Trek420]

Yeah. isn't this the whole reason why people have kids You get someone to

feeding the dogs and cat, scooping poop, doing dishes/setting table, taking out garbage/recyling,etc

[Zen]

Run away from home. On your bike.

[mupedalpusher]

Your comment of "I'll have to go back and do it over" caught my attention. You have to move past this way of thinking. I grew up with a mother like that and it made me unwilling to help because no matter how well I did dishes, laundry etc.. she always made a big deal of re-doing it. She was critical of me washing the dishes in the wrong side of the sink...now that's a control freak! Let me tell you from experience it's bad for a kids ego. I am a mother of 20 yr son and 11 yr old daughter and I have taught myself to accept their attempts no matter how well done they are and yes sometimes you may have to "help" afterwards but never, never tell them you had to redo it. I won't go in to details but our son was doing all his laundry by age 13, was made to help with cleaning (and sometimes it was a fight). He had to keep his bathroom clean but his room could be messy. Both our kids were taught right from the beginning to help clean the kitchen at night. Our philosophy is "everyone who eats helps clean". Our friends thought we were a little tough at times but our son is completely independent at age 20 and theirs isn't! At times he chose being grounded over keeping his bathroom clean. It was nothing more than a control fight so we just stood firm on what was expected and he got tired of not being able to go out with friends so he started keeping his bathroom clean! Don't allow your son to be lazy, you aren't doing anyone any favors. Everyone who lives in the house should help out, no free rides.

[OakLeaf]

MUP beat me to it, but I'll just add my +1. In my case it's a definite FWIW, because I'm nobody's mother and I make no claim to understand your struggles (I sure empathize though)!

But consider that your kids are learning that their best isn't good enough, and that if they don't know ahead of time that they can do something perfectly, they shouldn't even attempt it. You don't even want to know how I still struggle with this - or how dirty my house gets because it's not "worth" starting to clean unless I can commit two or three days to get it spotless from the windows to the carpets and blinds.

[sgtiger]

DDH,

First of all I just want to let you know that you don't sound selfish at all. You deserve you time. Whether it's the time you need to set aside to workout or just sit around with your feet up. It's okay.

Don't be afraid to delegate chores. They teach responsibility and a sense of accomplishment for our children which helps their self-esteem even as they grumble. Like others have said, let them own it. You've already recieved great advice on how to do that.

I agree that it is disruptive to have to stop everything to accommodate someone else's schedule. It's okay to say no. Saying no doesn't make you a bad person. I think it's time you start to draw boundaries with your MIL. If you don't mind driving your MIL around to her appointments perhaps you can at least have her limit them to specific times and days of the week i.e. Tues + Thurs between 10-1 pm. And as someone else suggested there are ride services for seniors out there that she can take the other days: some are even provided by public transportation and county services at a low cost. That may even have a positive effect on her mental health as it will help her regain her independence.




This last part is purely speculative please ignore if it doesn't apply:

Does she have friends who live close by that she visits or that visit her during her day? If not, she could be using the rides as an excuse just to have someone to talk to. Perhaps there is a senoirs program in your community that she can join. They usually offer a variety of social activites and classes that she can participate in.

Also, the grocery store paging incident makes me wonder if she gets a bit confused at times and is afraid to admit it. Have there been any other times that simple tasks overwhelm her? If so, I'd imagine it's not easy to admit that she's not as capable as she once was. I'm not sure what I would do if my parents ever show signs that they may not be able to care for themselves, other than I'd like to believe I'd try to treat their situation with sensitivity and see things from their perspective. I know my dad would never ask for help, he'd probably complain(the curmudgeon-y codger) 'til someone just stepped in. That way he doesn't lose face admitting he can't do something in front of his children; of course, he'll probably complain the whole time we're doing it that we're doing it wrong and how he should just do it himself. Anyhow, if it is the case suggesting she hire help may not be a bad idea if she can afford it, or you and your DH can afford it for her. If she can't, I'd check with community and church outreach programs that send someone to help with household chores. I've volunteered with one once a l-o-n-g time ago, and it makes a world of difference for seniors to not have to ask their loved ones for help all the time.

[Veronica]

Sounds like you may also want to have DS start calendaring his events. If it's not on the calendar, he doesn't go. And stand firm on this. It is not right for you to drop your plans because he neglected to tell you about an event. My 5th grade students can handle doing this. I post upcoming events, they write them in their planners. At the beginning you'll need to remind him, "Hey, have you put your events on the calendar this week?"

Start scheduling your time. Tell your MIL that beginning x day, you are no longer available between 8 - 10 am or whatever time it is that is best for you to work out. AND stick to your guns.

You cannot be there to take care of your loved ones, if you don't take care of yourself first.

V.

[ehirsch83]

I grew up with a mother like that and it made me unwilling to help because no matter how well I did dishes, laundry etc.. she always made a big deal of re-doing it. She was critical of me washing the dishes in the wrong side of the sink...now that's a control freak!

Another thing on this,
My ex's mom was a control freak- she had to do everything because it was her way or no way. This led to me being told, by him, that I didn't fold laundry correctly or make the bed right or hang the towels correctly- all because it wasn't how she did it.
We then moved to Albuquerque and lived with them for a little bit(this was also the last part of our relationship, and when I truly realized how much of a mamma's boy he was at the age of 33 I broke it off). Anyways, when we lived there, she would do his/our laundry, complain about me not doing the dishes correctly or not cooking correctly(and let me tell you, she cooks with crisco, margerine, tons of corn starch,etc. all things I don't use or eat).
Anyways, not only did it affect him growing up it affected me- so what I am saying is, if he learns to be dependant now he might have a better chance with relationships in the future with girls.

[Kano]

MIL -- assisted living!

This can be as simple as being in a complex where they make sure she's not dead each day. I'm sure that it costs more to have all meals, housekeeping, etc. taken care of, but consider that you will NOT have to deal with her lawn and her house if she's not in it. Nor will anyone else (well, the new owner). She'll have people to talk to when she goes for meals, or in the common areas, if she's so inclined.

Who knows, she could get too busy to have time for you!

DH has learned to do dishes. It's been a challenge: I can't find things, and he puts things that I use regularly on HIGH shelves where I need him to get them down, but I've learned to deal with that. What's harder to accept is his method of putting all the spoons in one bin of the silverware basket so that it's easier to put them away later -- they get nested, and don't all come clean, but he puts them away anyway!

No laundry for DH though -- he hasn't mastered NOT shrinking clothing!

Karen in Boise

[Grog]

{{{{ DDH }}}}

Do your son, and his future life companion, a BIG favour: please, please, please quit doing everything for him. He needs to learn to contribute to the household.

And if the socks are not folded (or rolled) exactly as you like, so what?

If there is once in a while a little speck of dried food on a plate, so what? Yeah, it's a bit gross, but scratch it off, forget about it, and eat.

If he dries the dishes with the rag you think is supposed to be the hand towel, so what?

I can tell you (from experience) that it won't kill you, nor will it ruin your house. Learn to make the difference between what matters and what doesn't.

I'm not always good at that. I am known to frown at my husband when he operates the espresso machine in a way that is only slightly different than me, and I'm really grossed out when he uses the wrong rag to dry the dishes. But, hey, he does it, and nobody's going to die or even to be sick from it.



Now, forgive the crackerjack-box psychology here, but... Maybe you are feeling that you don't have a lot of control over things that matter to you, like your weight and your time to exercise and perhaps other things, too. Perhaps you then are trying to control other things - that maybe don't matter that much... - to compensate?

And good luck with the mother-in-law. I'm sure this is a difficult and touchy issue...

[tc1]

DDH-I second what Oakleaf said. I have the same problem with perfectionism and cleaning avoidance, because my mom found it easier to do it herself.

I take my mom to a lot of appointments. I don't have kids, but I have a full time job. Things got a lot better for me when I started printing out my schedule, bringing to my mom's appointments, then setting the appointment time with the scheduler myself. If you don't have access to a calendar program, go to this website.
http://myboatclub.com/

You should spend some computer time surfing your county's website looking for what sort of help is out there for senior adults. There may be more than you think.

As for her *****ing, well, you just have to blow it off. Talk is cheap.

[Pyannyplayer]

I used to work for an Area Agency on Aging which can help you get some services for you MIL, such as a senior companion to take her places, in home care to help with housework, etc. Google Texas Area Agency on Aging or try this link:

http://www.dads.state.tx.us/contact/aaa.cfm

They have a county list and who to contact for that county. It is a service that should be free to her; there may be a slight fee for a senior companion or respite services, but otherwise, no cost.

Most states will have a caseworker come out and assess her needs. Most of the AAA's are there to help citizens over 60 that have no other resources. There are programs that help the primary caregiver (you) as well. You definitely need YOU time or you're going to burn out.....fast.

As far as all the other stuff: at my house Friday after school is housecleaning day. Each of my sons is assigned a bathroom, their room, and their laundry. No fun time until it's done. My husband vacuums, cleans our bathroom, and supervises. I take care of cooking, cleaning the kitchen, buying groceries, etc. Our boys take turns clearing the table and loading the dishwasher after meals; Sundays my husband does all of that. We all work hard, but as I tell my boys, I don't dirty their room, bathroom, etc., and they eat too so they need to help tidy up. I want them to be self sufficient once they're out of the house and, well, honestly, I can't do it all. I have lowered my standards "slightly", but all in all, they do a good job and it helps me out. It also makes me happier and I don't feel nearly as guilty about taking time for me (which makes me a better wife, mother, and person).

Just my thoughts. I know it's hard, but the time for you is important. It's important for all of us...young, old, male, or female....

Lorie

[DDH]

Thanks so much. I contacted them and left a msg regarding my MIL and we will see. I know that she will not be elgible for any assistance because of her income level and her assets, but at this point, she can start paying someone. She refuses to make a decsion about going into assisted living, but complainss about things being to hard for her and her not being able to handle it. You know how you get to the point that people disgust you when they won't do anything to help or change their situation and just wallow in it. I'm there!! I feel for her, but she refuses to do anything to change it and won't listen to sugestions or offers that she doesn't want to hear.
I just can't do it all and my DH cannot quit his job to take care of her either. So I get stuck and I'm just going to have to put my foot down. She has the money to hire help and that is what she needs to start doing.
Now, help me not feel so badly about it. I try to live my life so I dont have regrets later but now I'm living with frustration and resentment. Gosh the things we can let our minds do to us.

I'm going on a bike ride it always make me feel better.

[Flybye]

Now, help me not feel so badly about it. I try to live my life so I dont have regrets later but now I'm living with frustration and resentment. Gosh the things we can let our minds do to us.

Okay, I'll see what I can do - when you are on your deathbed and you look back on your life, will you regret finding help for you and for her? iWill you wish you would have got out more and kicked some of your big bad goals in the a$$ ???

Now were talkin'!

PS - Dear me, get back to work. Leave the forum. NOW!

[Bad JuJu]

Okay, I'll see what I can do - when you are on your deathbed and you look back on your life, will you regret finding help for you and for her? iWill you wish you would have got out more and kicked some of your big bad goals in the a$$ ???

This reminds me of that question we're supposed to ask ourselves to determine whether we have our priorities straight: if you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you be sorry you hadn't done? Your answer to this question may help you make some decisions, and then some steps toward meeting your goals.

OTOH, as we all know, none of this is going to be easy. It's hard to not only break your own bad habits but also to guide others into new habits. Baby steps, as you know, are the answer there.

And one last thing: re: your guilt over DH having a job and your being a SAHM: You have a job, too! It happens to be homemaking, and you happen to do it at home and don't get paid for it, but that doesn't mean it's less of a job. The things you do at home and with MIL and DS make it possible for DH to do the job he does. Don't discount your labor just because it's unpaid labor. In the same way in which you want to avoid overloading DH at home because he works so hard at his job, YOU, too, should not be overloaded--because you're working so hard at YOUR job.

Just my two cents. I hope you're able to make some useful changes.

[tulip]

Pyannyplayer gives very good advice on the Area Agency on Aging. Go talk to them!!

Did I read in one of these that your MIL lives 300 yards away? Can you possibly walk there to incorporate exercise (and relieve stress)?

Some grocery stores offer delivery service, like Pea Pod. You order groceries on line and they deliver them for a small fee. DO THIS--for you and for your MIL!

Speaking of the MIL, sounds like she's isolated and depressed. Area Agency on Aging will have resources to deal with this--activities, support, etc.

Schedules are very important in running a household. Everyone (DH included) should have their schedules posted somewhere central. That way, you know their schedule, and THEY KNOW YOURS! Make an appointment with yourself every day, and keep that appointment. It's very rude to break appointments, you know .

And if your house isn't perfect, so what? Ask yourself that alot: SO WHAT? If it's important, it will matter. If it's not, it won't.

Where to begin with DS? Start with a family meeting. You call the meeting, you set the agenda, you run the meeting. DS can help with laundry (certainly his own) and helping out with cooking and cleaning, mowing the lawn, trash. Be specific--expectations should be clear. He can help you cook, and in this way he learns how to cook. If he doesn't cut the carrots just so...SO WHAT!

It sounds like your DH does work very hard at his job, but he also is a part of your family. I actually enjoy the post-dinner cleanup with my partner because it gives us some time to talk.

Okay, I have one more question. Why are you still a SAHM when your DS is 13? Everyone has their own reasons, of course, but the main one that I always hear is, "to raise my kids." But your kid is in school most of the day, and is old enough to not need constant mother-presence. Going back to work may not be what you want to do, but if you could (and the MIL had some other support and the DS did chores), would you WANT to? Just a question.