Etiquette Help

[Zen]

"No, but why don't you check the Goodwill/Rescue Mission/salvation Army/Craigslist for something cheap?"

[Trek420]

"Yes! And you have an extra $_____.__ I can borrow while you borrow the bike because after your friend with no detectable cycling skills has it for 3-4 months I'll need to fix, tune-up, true-the wheels, clean, overhaul, replace parts and maybe just maybe replace the whole irreplaceable full custom bike, right?"

[OakLeaf]

To the OT: I have a friend whose child has a form of autism. Lay out the rules clearly and simply. Sometimes the subtle social cues are simply indeciferable and direct instructions work best.

The first thing I thought of when I read the OP was Asperger's, also. I'd agree with a direct approach.

[SadieKate]

To the OT: I have a friend whose child has a form of autism. Lay out the rules clearly and simply. Sometimes the subtle social cues are simply indeciferable and direct instructions work best.

The first thing I thought of when I read the OP was Asperger's, also. I'd agree with a direct approach.

Sheesh, I have no evidence that anyone has every given him the rules. I have no idea what his parents are like or if he has any other friends with fine art in the house. Let's not, once again, assume the worst until you know him personally, OK?

[KnottedYet]

Let's not, once again, assume the worst until you know him personally, OK?

Excuse me?

I merely shared my experience with someone who likes to pick up things. When one's subtle cues don't get the message across (for what ever reason, in my case this child had a very clear reason) laying the rules out clearly takes the stress off everyone.

[Trek420]

I think "it's never too late to have a happy childhood" So he can learn now to enjoy art. That's what art is for, to be enjoyed, to see and be seen. It's not there to match my sofa or for guests to be awed by the value of our collection and that I own a _____ .

Art's to see and enjoy and mos important to make you think.

At the same time unless it's sand sculpture it's to be protected so that future generations can see it.

Maybe he did not have art in the home growing up, or access to museum. But he had toys and stuff. So he may feel that "it's in the home it's stuff and a toy and I can play with it."

Is there a museum in your area that you like or a gallery? Can you take him there and talk about art where things are somewhat protected. "I think this is good art but what do you think? why do you like this piece or that one better? what does it make you feel? how do you think it was made?"

Is there an open studio, not pottery or glass blowing or outdoor sculpture, wooden outdoor instalations, something tough.

He might not know how to enjoy art or that he can without rolling it on the carpet, or what art he can roll on the carpet. This can be a further bond of your friendship and a new world for him.

I reflect on the OP that you mentioned something along the lines of "if it's like this now how's it going to be when we unpack all the art?" Not going to quote it but sumthin' like that.

To me it comes down to which do you like more? Your friend or the art?

He's 6' sumthin so it's not as if you can put the "good stuff" beyond his reach . Choices include that you keep your friend as he is today and keep art packed, or valuable and or fragile stuff in another part of the house, or out of reach or .... get more durable art or have the heart to heart chat.

But I'd teach him to enjoy art too. I think he'll learn from you and you may see art in a new way too. It's kinda like teaching someone to ride who does not enjoy that

Duck on Wheels who was the artist that our mutual brother and the artists son were playing in the attic and running around on the still drying paintings? Wasn't that Ad Rheinhardt? So there's probably a painting in the Gugenheim with faint brother of the Duck footprints

Art happens, enjoy the art.

Trek-C.C.A.C class of 1983-420

PS: I'm sorry to hear about the wonder-poodle

PPS: there's also the chance that he's just very tactile. Some people are more visual, others more verbal ... this could just be the way he learns. A trip to see sculpture may be just the ticket for him to learn to love and appreciate art.

[Pedal Wench]

Sorry about the wonder poodle.

I would go with the direct approach. My friends all know how I feel about my bikes -- they don't go on roof racks or hitch racks either. [edit: the bikes, not the friends ] They all know and understand that it's important to me, while not to them.

I vote for the direct approach. "Hey, I know you like to touch the artwork, but it's very precious and valuable to me, and it makes me nervous to have it handled." Then turn it around, "I hate to even touch it or move it myself!"

How can anyone argue with that?

[OakLeaf]

Sheesh, I have no evidence that anyone has every given him the rules. I have no idea what his parents are like or if he has any other friends with fine art in the house. Let's not, once again, assume the worst until you know him personally, OK?

Whoa.... easy there. I agree it's a little facile for me to throw out diagnoses online, and I apologize for that.

But there was no "assuming the worst," OK. For one thing, all I said was it's what I thought of. And, if you've ever known anybody with Asperger's (chances are you have and just didn't know it) their company can be very enjoyable. It's a developmental disorder that has nothing to do with their parents, and it's hardly a worst case scenario.

I was just echoing what others have said, that when someone doesn't automatically understand how their behavior might be offensive to others, indirect approaches have a high chance of going right over their head.

'Kay?

[Veronica]

Geez SK, you should have just told me you didn't want me touching your stuff.

I think the kind, but direct approach will work with your friend.

V.

[Blueberry]

SK - really sorry about the Wonder Poodle

[OakLeaf]

SK - so sorry about the Wonder Poodle. (((((hugs)))))

[SadieKate]

Whoa.... easy there. I agree it's a little facile for me to throw out diagnoses online, and I apologize for that . . .

I was just echoing what others have said, that when someone doesn't automatically understand how their behavior might be offensive to others, indirect approaches have a high chance of going right over their head.

'Kay?

Thank you very much, Oakleaf.

I don't know yet that he doesn't automatically understand how his behavior is different. I haven't had the opportunity to try the "kind, but direct approach" but based on past history with him it works. I couldn't articulate the "kind" part and that is why I asked the question in the first place. I needed the right words.

There were many great ideas in the first responses which answered my very simple question.

And people behave differently in museums and galleries than they do in a friend's home as their perception is that the rules are different. He simply needs a kind explanation of the rules.

Thank you all for the kind condolences for my Wonder Poodle. I was fortunate to have had his friendship for twelve wonderful years. OK, gotta go find the Kleenex box.

[indigoiis]

"If you pick it up, you have to dust it."

and hand him a dust cloth.

[Trek420]

"and if you break it you bought it"

and take his charge cards deed to the house .... pink slip to the car ....

[Duck on Wheels]

Duck on Wheels who was the artist that our mutual brother and the artists son were playing in the attic and running around on the still drying paintings? Wasn't that Ad Rheinhardt? So there's probably a painting in the Gugenheim with faint brother of the Duck footprints .

I don't remember a running-around-in-the-attic episode, but I do remember playing hide and seek in a garage-studio with brother, son-of-artist and son of another artist (André I think that kid's name was; lived up on Sonoma Mt. very near the McChesneys). I think I was the one who had the bright idea of climbing up to hide on one of the shelves, placed a hand over the edge, and splat ... right into a drying oil painting. So maybe there's a DoW handprint on something in the Gugenheim. Now who was that artist ...? Mom took me to see an exhibit of his work in the Sonoma County Museum a couple years back. Ralph something? Mom would remember.