Dear So and So

[indysteel]

I'm lol'ing over that one, Indy. Seriously, just back out now, and you won't get hurt.

Karen

You ladies have no idea just how unhappy I am over this wedding. The real issue is that I don't have much good to say about her fiance. My friend used to be this smart, active, interesting woman. She started "working on herself" in therapy long before me and I used to really look up to her. Then she met Bill about two years ago, and he has sucked the life blood out of her. He's 8 years her junior, sells liquor for a living (he was a waiter when she met him), is in debt, smokes pot and plays video games in his free time and is a guitarist/singer in a hard rock band. His bandmates are the worst. None of them have jobs, although one of them does deal pot. Nice, huh?

It's not that I have a problem with musicians or jobs that don't require a Ph.D, but his lives in a bit of a fantasy land about the band's prospects and his lifestyle is largely subsidized by my friend. She's repeatedly said that he's immature, even for his age. I don't think he's mean and I will give him credit for being patient with her (she can be a bit much). He's reportedly very sweet and romantic, but I'm of the unromantic opinion that there's a lot more that goes into a successful marriage than cuddling and sweet nothings.

She, in turn, has turned into someone I really can't relate to anymore. She has no interests of her own, is no longer active, smokes pot (in truth, she did before she met Bill), has gained a fair amount of weight and spends most of her time trying to squeeze herself into Bill's life between his "gigs." She had to do some serious mental gymnastics to make him into "The One." One particular comment that struck me as incredibly sad: "I would never ask him to put me before the band, but I'd expect him to put our baby before the band." Why wouldn't you expect your husband to put you before what is essentially a hobby? And what a naive understanding of what it means to be a family.

Obviously, I have serious doubts as to whether he's really ready to grow up and whether she's willing to accept him as he is. Since she'd really like to have a baby ASAP, they will have little time to adjust to married life before starting a family. I have essentially kept mum about my concerns. For one, this train left the station so long ago. Before any of us realized it, she had her future with Bill pretty well scripted out. She was just waiting (I'm not kidding here) for him to save enough money to buy her an engagement ring (which he did instead of paying off his debt). For another, she and I both see the same therapist and I have left it up to them to navigate through this. I'm pretty confident that she wouldn't have listened anyway. I've asked pointed questions and nudged her at times to consider this or that, but she was determined.

It's beyond depressing to me. I understand as well as anybody how hard it is to be single, especially after a certain age, but I'd take my life as it currently stands any day over what she may be in for. So, you can see why wearing an ugly dress and standing up for her is going to be hard. It's actually putting me in what feels like a moral dilemma.

On a happier note, my best friend is getting married in April. It's all very low-key and tasteful, and I really like her fiance. It will be a lovely day, and I'm very happy for her. She, bless her heart, has listened to me complain about Bridezilla. Thank goodness she's not one herself.

Thanks for letting me vent.