Dear So and So

[indysteel]

Dear Friend: I'm very happy for you and your upcoming wedding and I'm honored to be a bridesmaid given our twenty-year friendship. But you're turning into Bridezilla. I think it's tacky to register for your honeymoon and I really didn't appreciate being given a list of "expectations" when you asked me to be in your wedding party. It doesn't help that one of your bridesmaids is rolling in money and thinks the rest of us are free to spend oodles and oodles of it on your bridal festivities. And why, at the age of 38, must we wear matching, unflattering bridesmaid dresses? In periwinkle? Oh, and telling your matron of honor that her hopes of getting pregnant this spring would complicate choosing a dress is, well, just wrong.

I'll admit that I don't have the bride gene. I dream of eloping, preferably on a bike. At this age, I can think of twenty other things I'd rather do with my time and money. I dare say (at the risk of offending anyone else) that it all seems sort of silly. That said, I can live with your desire to have a big wedding, but if you get all "it's my day" on me--and make that day last something more like a month--then we're going to have words.

Cheers.

[Tuckervill]

I'm lol'ing over that one, Indy. Seriously, just back out now, and you won't get hurt.

Karen

[Zen]

I third that.

[snapdragen]

I fourth it!

[bmccasland]

I'll bring the FIFTH!

[Xrayted]

Aw, I wanted to say that.

[Zen]

Math is not my strong suit.
I should have seconded
Oh well, I think we expressed the sentiment correctly.

[indysteel]

I'm lol'ing over that one, Indy. Seriously, just back out now, and you won't get hurt.

Karen

You ladies have no idea just how unhappy I am over this wedding. The real issue is that I don't have much good to say about her fiance. My friend used to be this smart, active, interesting woman. She started "working on herself" in therapy long before me and I used to really look up to her. Then she met Bill about two years ago, and he has sucked the life blood out of her. He's 8 years her junior, sells liquor for a living (he was a waiter when she met him), is in debt, smokes pot and plays video games in his free time and is a guitarist/singer in a hard rock band. His bandmates are the worst. None of them have jobs, although one of them does deal pot. Nice, huh?

It's not that I have a problem with musicians or jobs that don't require a Ph.D, but his lives in a bit of a fantasy land about the band's prospects and his lifestyle is largely subsidized by my friend. She's repeatedly said that he's immature, even for his age. I don't think he's mean and I will give him credit for being patient with her (she can be a bit much). He's reportedly very sweet and romantic, but I'm of the unromantic opinion that there's a lot more that goes into a successful marriage than cuddling and sweet nothings.

She, in turn, has turned into someone I really can't relate to anymore. She has no interests of her own, is no longer active, smokes pot (in truth, she did before she met Bill), has gained a fair amount of weight and spends most of her time trying to squeeze herself into Bill's life between his "gigs." She had to do some serious mental gymnastics to make him into "The One." One particular comment that struck me as incredibly sad: "I would never ask him to put me before the band, but I'd expect him to put our baby before the band." Why wouldn't you expect your husband to put you before what is essentially a hobby? And what a naive understanding of what it means to be a family.

Obviously, I have serious doubts as to whether he's really ready to grow up and whether she's willing to accept him as he is. Since she'd really like to have a baby ASAP, they will have little time to adjust to married life before starting a family. I have essentially kept mum about my concerns. For one, this train left the station so long ago. Before any of us realized it, she had her future with Bill pretty well scripted out. She was just waiting (I'm not kidding here) for him to save enough money to buy her an engagement ring (which he did instead of paying off his debt). For another, she and I both see the same therapist and I have left it up to them to navigate through this. I'm pretty confident that she wouldn't have listened anyway. I've asked pointed questions and nudged her at times to consider this or that, but she was determined.

It's beyond depressing to me. I understand as well as anybody how hard it is to be single, especially after a certain age, but I'd take my life as it currently stands any day over what she may be in for. So, you can see why wearing an ugly dress and standing up for her is going to be hard. It's actually putting me in what feels like a moral dilemma.

On a happier note, my best friend is getting married in April. It's all very low-key and tasteful, and I really like her fiance. It will be a lovely day, and I'm very happy for her. She, bless her heart, has listened to me complain about Bridezilla. Thank goodness she's not one herself.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[mimitabby]

Indy, i have a sister with a reallly really bad man picker. It did not matter when the whole family told her that mr wonderful #5 was a loser, she DID NOT WOULD NOT COULD NOT listen. She had to wallow in it with him and see for herself. Your friend is going to have to do that too.
In her case, it looks like this marriage will give her an easy way out of having to work too hard at bettering herself; she can focus on him instead. You don't HAVE to be at that wedding. Walk away.. like the other gals all said.

[indysteel]

Indy, i have a sister with a reallly really bad man picker. It did not matter when the whole family told her that mr wonderful #5 was a loser, she DID NOT WOULD NOT COULD NOT listen. She had to wallow in it with him and see for herself. Your friend is going to have to do that too.
In her case, it looks like this marriage will give her an easy way out of having to work too hard at bettering herself; she can focus on him instead. You don't HAVE to be at that wedding. Walk away.. like the other gals all said.

Mimi, I wish I knew how to do that. I've known this woman since 1988. We've been through a lot together, and I love her like a sister. I'd pay a heavy price for making a big statement. I hate to see her making what feels like a bad decision, but I feel like the best thing for me to do is pray that it turns out okay and to be there for her as best I can (after taking care of myself that is) if it doesn't. Who knows? Maybe it'll be a happy union. Or maybe Bill is a mistake she needs to make. I may sound harsh and judgmental in my previous posts on this subject (I needed to vent), but at the end of the day, I'm willing to admit that I really don't have the answers for how anybody other than myself should live their life.

[Pax]

Dear Close Friends,

I want to take a moment to heartily thank each and everyone of you for not getting married! I consider myself blessed to have avoided attending a wedding for the last 25 or so years.

Thanks again!!
Queen

[Tuckervill]

You know, Indy, maybe you should just be a "guest" at the wedding. Make up something. Bridezilla and rich bridesmaid would be ENOUGH to have me making excuses. You don't have to make it about your moral dilemma. Make it about how you are too stressed out by your own life to be anything more than a guest.

Sometimes sisters don't get along, you know?

Karen

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

It sounds to me as though you and your longtime friend have drifted down different paths in life. Sometimes we have friends who fit perfectly into a certain time and place in our lives, but the same friend just doesn't drum to the same beat as we do anymore. When this happens it's good to let the friendship drift off, at least until it might gel again sometime in the future.
You could invest a whole lot more energy and angst in trying to keep things tight between you and your friend, but it sounds to me like she's determined to maintain her current projectory anyway. Do you really want to keep trying to get her straightened out? Is it even your job to do so? It would do her no real favor to put on a fake upbeat exterior and attend her wedding with inner negative feelings.
It might be hard to do, but not doing it will be harder in the long run....if I were you I would thank her and say I can't attend for personal reasons. If she presses you for more info, just say that though you wish her well, you feel you have both sort of gone down different paths. Let the chips fall where they may, at least you will be true to yourself.

[Wahine]

I'm glad you sent him to Palukaville Lisa. It was long coming.