Serious Issue: Advice for Dealing with Alcoholics

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

I second Trek's excellent Alanon post. I would heartily recommend that the Silvers both go to some alanon meetings and learn more about how to deal with alcoholic family members- even better, Alanon will help one look inside and figure out how to deal with one's OWN feelings of guilt, anger, frustration, etc, when dealing with alcoholics. The tools and insights you discover there will be invaluable not only during this difficult time, but even long after your parents are both gone- when the guilt, resentment, anger, and sadness continue to linger inside and negatively affect your lives in many small unexpected ways for years to come.
Their principles and ideas are pretty healthy and beneficial, and can come in handy for various other challenging/puzzling situations life comes up with.

I too think this caring and civil thread is further proof of TE members' special thoughtfulness, intelligence, and humanity.

A good start to the new year!

[silver]

Oh, I think that you may have gotten the wrong idea about what I was saying about our small town.

(after rereading this....please understand that the following is a stream of consciousness rambling, wonderings of the impaired mind of silver as she sorts through things. I didn't initiate this exercise, but I'm finding that it has been very helpful to really examine many of the underlying issues)

I/We don't have any problems with anyone knowing what's going on, or our reputations or anything like that. Yes, I know quite a few recovering alcoholics. We know the resources. We know where they meet. I've been to the meetings. I'm a recovering addict. I have a good picture of how these programs can help, where to get resources. But what I know and what I've seen, does not address this situation. Going to an Al-anon meeting is not going to help me navigate the decisions that I need to make today, tonight, tomorrow to meet their needs....the ins and outs of nursing home care, end of life issues.

If we were to find that our daughter was abusing, I know exactly where the resources are to get help. but this is different. I think that the elderly just usually get shuffled through the system. Maybe our society doesn't place enough importance on them to really deal with it, or maybe any efforts are just useless so everyone has already given up.

You know, just exactly what will "tough love" look like? If Mr. hadn't given me second chances, I wouldn't be here, pedaling my heart out. Does it mean that I don't go visit the IL's, no contact. Don't help them in any way? Or does it mean that I don't bring them any liquor? Or am I supposed to take them some so that detox doesn't send them into some other breakdown of their already overtaxed systems.

As others have said, the tactics and strategies that are used to help addicts and addict's families are just not going to be as applicable in the elderly. The IL's do not want to change. They do not want to face their life issues. We can't force them to. I know this deep down, and obviously find myself trying again and again. It's a family dynamic. It's helpful for you all to remind me not to let myself get personally pulled in.

All that said, I do believe...and I've not discussed this with Mr.
....is that he could be helped by trying to attend some Al-anon meetings in Bloomington. So Trek, you do bring up a good point that there may be a better resource in a nearby town. They may have more resources there that could meet his need. I do think that it might help him deal with the guilt that he feels over the need to use the nursing home at all. I think that since I see the day to day details that I have a better idea of reality about dealing with the situation.

We tried the counseling thing once before and it was a huge bust. We're going to try again. The first available appt is jan 16. The only thing that we could do sooner is an in patient program and MIL is not willing to do that.

Thank you for "listening" to my rambling.

Now, that 12-step cycling program.....Where does the ride meet?

[Wahine]

I come from a family of addicts of various types.

The one best piece of advice I can give is that the only person's behaviour you can change is your own. That doesn't just mean what you physically do or say but also how you think and emotionally react to the things that happen to you and around you. This makes me fall into the tough love category I guess. I believe that by changing myself I can affect a shift in the family dynamic that encourages those around me to change for the better.

Good luck to you and your family.

[LBTC]

Silvers, all I have to offer are butterflies. Loads of them - helping you see clearly, aiding you in healing, giving you comfort in yourselves, your decisions, and allowing compassion, love and the best results from your decisions and heartache.

Hugs,
~T~