Serious Issue: Advice for Dealing with Alcoholics

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Hmmm....would people criticize Silver the same way if it had been she who initiated this thread instead of Mr. Silver? I suspect not, but it's something to think about.

[jusdooit]

Jumping in here.
Silvers, I understand not wanting your parents to spend their last days in a nursing home. I had that struggle as well, for different reasons. I finally placed my mother because caring for her was killing me. Nursing facilities are all different, take time to find one that suits them best. A good facility will not allow your parents to sit around all day watching TV and bemoaning what's wrong with the world. My mother was very active, participating in nearly all the activities available to her, in spite of declining health. And............this may sound cold, it is a natural consequence to choosing to continue on the path of alcoholism. I am a recovering alcoholic.........I would have said or done anything while drinking to get others off my back. Mr. your mother's empty promises may be nothing more, but it's possible she wants to stop, but can't. I would get her help, if she takes it great, if not she has made the choices. The only option I see to protecting them (and you)from themselves if they won't stop drinking is long term care. So what if it takes all their money, so be it. Remember it was their choice to get to this point.
I might add I stopped drinking through AA. No one intervened, no treatment, just sick and tired of the life I was living.

[Geonz]

And back to the original topic... here are some thoughts I have no investment in so toss 'em if you like. Could part of this be as simple as after two drinks go down the rest taste better and better... not because of deep-rooted psychological issues but physiology? I say this because an elderly biking buddy said he has given up drinking because after one, he wants two and three and four... and this has been a physiological change. (I don't know if there are other issues like meds involve or not.)
She seems to recognize that there *is* a problem with drinking too much... would she grasp that she needs to figure out a way to deal with the apparent fact that once she starts, she doesn't stop? FInd creative ways to keep the quantity down (like "you gotta drink two glasses of seltzer water for every drink")?
Again, not any kind of expert here but tossing in the "options if other ones aren't working" ideas.

It's not clear who the "control" and "attention seeking" comments are talkin' about... but mayhbe that's how it was meant.

[Zen]

Actually, the initial post involves more issues than a parents alcoholism. I don't think Raleighdon was criticizing, simply stating facts, one of which is that this is a parent-child issue as well as an addiction issue.
It may be difficult but I do think it's something to consider. Tough Love.

[salsabike]

Actually, the initial post involves more issues than a parents alcoholism. I don't think Raleighdon was criticizing, simply stating facts, one of which is that this is a parent-child issue as well as an addiction issue.
It may be difficult but I do think it's something to consider. Tough Love.

Yes. I think that was RD's intent.

[spokewench]

I think Mr. Silver is here because he likes to be here and he is courteous and inciteful and I appreciate his candor. I think it also shows that he cares for Silver and is interested in what she does and is part of. More men could learn from that.

Now, back to the topic. Silvers, I greatly appreciate your problems with the parents. Mine are alcoholics also. My brother in law (who never says anything bad about anyone) says they are "CRAZY", and of course, he is right. They act crazy cause they are addicts and have lived their lives around alcohol instead of dedicating their time to something good and productive.

My parents are also in the 80s (dad is 89). They still live by themselves in Tucson now, but who knows how much longer this will be able to last. They drink every late-afternoon/night and get snockered almost every night. It is a very sad thing. It not only affects their brains, it affects their moods, and their health. Mom has always been on depression medication and still drinks? Dad had one kidney removed from cancer about 10 years ago, kept drinking, has severe prostate problems, and his other kidney is compromised and works only minimally.

My sister and I have talked to them about not drinking so much, but it is useless. Especially after Dad's kidney was removed. We cannot control them. We do the best to have a loving relationship with them; but sometimes it is very tough. I understand your struggle - you want to do something, but it is very difficult and almost impossible to control the situation. You just have to realize that you have done the best you can and go forward with your own lives and make good role models for your own children and those around you. IT IS SO DANG FRUSTRATING - but sometimes these are the cards you are dealt!

Hang in there - it probably doesn't get better, but I wish you well in dealing with these issues.

spoke

[Trek420]

I've known many addicts who are amazing people; world renowned artists, activists and community leaders, people who raise millions for charity, or just good people hard working parents and workers and such ... addicts all and effecting their families and others.

Most of these people are now in recovery and while that's hard to do they are happier for it.

I've read somewhere that each addict adversely the life of up to 5 people .

[shootingstar]

To my knowledge, alcoholism doesn't exist in our family...just hope the nephews and nieces don't fall down a hole here.

I really do mean this genuinely.....this may sound wierd but some of my family members can only hold 1 glass of wine or less, before getting red. And for me, it's only 1/2 glass of wine. I understand for some Asians, they may have a particular enzyme that does not breakdown alcohol "efficiently". I guess this is a blessing in disguise.


I do remember as a child, my mother expressing concern that my father not fall into any drinking when his boss was a happy beer, Scotch and whiskey drinker. His boss died about 8 yrs. ago from a failed liver.

And if something did go wrong....I am certain they would listen to my sister, who is a physician....they have been taking her medical advice for past decade so far.

I feel for the Silvers and their problems with elders having alcolholism.

[Zen]

A plethora of resources

[Crankin]

Good point, Lisa. Most likely they wouldn't. Everyone has a different personality and that usually comes through in what's written here. I am not involved in any other on line forum; I do bike journal just to track my miles, but I am seriously considering not rejoining because I am not sure how much I will be able to ride next year and I get obsessive about it anyways. But back to the point you made; our society expects women to seek advice, but not men. My husband stayed home with our first son when he was born in 1982, for the first eight months. He was totally comfortable with that role, even though it was very unusual back then. He never felt weird taking the kids to daycare or hanging around and talking to the other moms there. I am sure some might have thought he had other motives or was trying to meet some need because of a "problem," but it just wasn't the case.
It is ah, usually pretty obvious when someone on the forum is having real psychological issues and I don't think Mr. Silver is one of them. Sure, the situation does require help from professionals, but he is just asking for advice here.

[mimitabby]

Hmmm....would people criticize Silver the same way if it had been she who initiated this thread instead of Mr. Silver? I suspect not, but it's something to think about.

Lisa, the response would have been the same except for the specific paragraph referring to men on women's boards. Raleighdon posted (after I mentioned the Alcohol situation) out of a genuine response to wanting to help with the pain and suffering that we have both seen so many times that is caused by the Disease of Alcoholism. My response here is late because we were out in the sticks at a New Year's Eve party, where ironically, one of raleighdon's best riding buddies had a drunken meltdown in the middle of the best restaurant in the town we were in, terrifying and embarrassing all of us. We drove home from there sad
about yet another FAMILY whose life was being destroyed by the disease.

[Tuckervill]

On any other board I would have awakened on this new day to hundreds of incendiary posts devolving into chaos in a thread like this. So thankful it didn't happen. What a great place this has always been!

Karen

[silver]

On any other board I would have awakened on this new day to hundreds of incendiary posts devolving into chaos in a thread like this. So thankful it didn't happen. What a great place this has always been!

Karen

Agreed! Which is just one more reason that I like it here.

[silver]

It's been so helpful to be able to come here and get feedback. sometimes you do know the answers, but it helps to write out the issues and discuss them with others. The folks here on the this forum have always come through with helpful info and thoughtful, intelligent and insightful responses.

Having an internet community to come to is such helpful and useful medium. We live in a small town with limited resources. We don't know anyone who is dealing with these issues. We are familiar with the resources here in town. And we know that these resources don't meet our specific needs. We have sought out professional help. We have consulted their doctors. They have done nothing to help.

With other issues (such as MIL's celiac diagnosis) we've learned that doctors don't always have the best answers. If we had relied on the medical resources here in town, MIL would have died from Celiac. But through networking on the internet and going out of town for resources (found on the internet) we were able to get a diagnosis and treatment plan.

We have made an appointment with a counselor. The first one that we could schedule was on Jan 16. We don't know this counselor. We don't know what angle she will take. will she even be helpful?

We've been through all sorts of things in the past. We encouraged them to give up driving after MIL sideswiped a car and left the scene causing $12,000 to the other car. We encouraged them to move to an assisted living facility. We've refused to purchase their liquor. They found another source to buy it for them. They lent these folks money and then these folks began stealing from them. About this some time, FIL got sick went into the hospital and then the nursing home. This was summer '06. The assisted living facility told us that they would not allow FIL back unless their alcohol use was controlled.

well, we've bumbled along til now. Sure we've not done all the "right" things. We're just doing the best we can with what we've got. Getting insight and talking through the issues with you all is something that we are grateful for. thank you.

[Trek420]

We live in a small town with limited resources. We don't know anyone who is dealing with these issues. We are familiar with the resources here in town. And we know that these resources don't meet our specific needs. We have sought out professional help. We have consulted their doctors. They have done nothing to help.

AA and the "sister" programs such as Alanon are highly anonymous, actually that's the basis and one of the foundations of the program.

It's hard to explain but it's not a secret society or "closeted" in any way. But it's not as if your Doctor can just say "Here, I'm referring you to my Alanon specialist, go to the Alanon Building"

I can almost gaurantee you know many or a few who are in some recovery process but because anonymity is the founding principle of this thang you could be talking to your best friend in the checkout line and it's possible that s/he would not say "come with me to the meeting I go to, it's in the next town."

It's likely s/he might say "I've heard Alanon would be helpful"

It's not as if those in recovery wear t-shirts or often even talk about it outside of meetings.

Then one day you go .... and there's your Dentist or next door neighbor and and I hope you may find the support that you deserve.

You can look up AA in almost any phone book, there are websites with contacts. And if you do not see an Alanon group listed just call or e-mail AA they will refer you to a local Alanon meeting nearest to you.

It's not like there is a building or meeting hall (well, in urban areas sometimes there are) but often the meeting's in a church, locally here I see a sign in the window of a Mexican Eatery they have meetings there.

Hey, might as well have good food after.

It's not a matter of it being a shameful thing, there's nothing to be ashamed of but it's a principle and structure and why the program works for so many and for so long is that they don't advertise.

Even if it was not nearby, or you had to go to the next town over or only when you travel .... but I'm still willing to bet there's a local meeting.

I think there's even a 12 step cycling club somewhere.