I feel for you both. Alcoholism runs deep in my side of the family.

This comes from a Social Worker perspective and also from experiences with Flybyebrother.

Have you tried an intervention? I don't want to go into a lengthy explanation if you know what one is, so I will just give the shorthand version:

The family has to meet without the grandparents first and decide what they want the outcome of the meeting to be and write up the specifics. For example - you both need to go to treatment or if you don't quit finding alcohol, we will limit your income. This is also the time that you decide what two or three things that you want to share with your parents when you meet with them and the family.

Basically, when they are sober, you and your wife and children, possibly their nurse, and anyone else in the family who is affected by their alcoholism agree to meet together and confront the issue which right now is really their drinking and how it affects their relationship with the family.


Then all of the members of the family meet with the grandparents.

Each person can share very specific times that grandma or grandpa's drinking let them down----
For the kids perhaps a missed sporting event, a holiday where they were so drunk that they made an a$$ out of themselves, etc.
For Mr. and Mrs. perhaps the legacy that they are leaving behind for the family - do they really want to be remembered as alcoholics? Do they want their children and grandchildren to see them die with dignity or from problems related to alcoholism?
Also - the tough situation that they put you both in by putting you in a situation where you are now playing the parent - you'd need to tell them specifically why you don't like this - don't hide emotions through any of this. Also, the decision that you have to limit their finances - share with them how you don't want to have that burden placed on you right now and how you don't want to have their final years with you spent with them being angry for limiting their income because of poor decisions that they are making.
Share with them that you are angry, frustrated, disappointed, ashamed, hurt, etc. Don't hide anything.
For the nurse - perhaps how their alcoholism puts him in a tough spot because he cares for them yet he can see what they do to themselves despite the good care that he gives.

There are key things involved in the intervention - you need a spokesman who shares with the grandparents the reason that everyone is gathered (love for them), that they aren't allowed to leave while the meeting is in session, and that they must hear each person speak without interrupting.

They then have an opportunity to respond to what you have said.

At the end of it all, you lay out specifics, which the family has to agreed to before the meeting -
treatment, money issues, etc.

They don't have to agree to anything right away, they need to have time to digest what everyone has said to them and form a bond with one another. They do need a specific time that they will give you an answer - for example the next day at a specific time - and again, the whole family should be there.

This is a highly emotional process that is emotionally exhausting. But, it works pretty well.

There are some great books on interventions available and I will see if I can link you to some here in a bit. Maybe amazon? Google drug and alcohol intervention?

Essentially, though, you are giving them a reason for wanting to quit - which is for all of you, not for them. It does become a reason for them later in the process.

We did an intervention with my brother and it worked. He was using cocaine and destroying his life. He got treatment and gradually started making changes in his life. It isn't always foolproof, however.

There may also be other older people at the senior citizen center in you area that have been though the process of making changes in their own lives and who can be a positive support for them.

The number one and number two things that affect the elderly are loneliness and depression. The senior center would help with at least the loneliness.

Hope that helps a bit. You can pm or email questions about this process to me and I will see if I can help out more.

Sorry that you are going through this.

Another thought - they really could live another 15 years. We never know. I wouldn't write it all off because of their age. Two years of meaningful sobriety is worth it, in my opinion.

Thoughts and Prayers,
Flybye