Depression, etc

[lph]

Well - coming from a family with a lot of depression but with only minor symptoms myself I can only add a few stray points:

- exercise does help. And "forcing" her in a friendly way might be necessary.
- being able to see ones depression from the outside is a good thing! but doesn't lessen it much, i.e. things like being unusually touchy when not invited to things can hurt just as much even if you know it's irrational.
- Depression can make you incredibly self-centered, and not always very nice. Realizing this isn't much fun either.
- having a place where you HAVE to function and CAN'T feel like a victim can help. Whether it's work, being a parent, or volunteering. Helps self-esteem, helps lift your thoughts, gives new input.
- You as a friend cannot cure her depression. You can help her in a few ways, suggest activities and go with her, but you cannot assume responsibility for her well-being.

Just some random thoughts. I'm sure people here who have been through "the real thing" will be able to add more. Best of luck.

[Mr. Bloom]

lph +1 +1 +1 +1

Depression is a disease that distorts perspective on things. Unfortunately, you have to get "over the hump" to do the things that make you better...but the disease often keeps you from getting "over the hump".

Don't get me wrong, I do believe that some folks get in a funk and choose to wallow in it. Others get there and simply don't know how to get out. I suspect that your friend falls in both categories...but if she's in constant pain and/or regularly medicated for pain, then that makes it double difficult.

I think she would benefit from a goal that she can achieve (like a 15 minute walk each day), structure in her life (a reason to get out of bed), and a supportive relationship.

She needs a friend to motivate her...but YOU have to be careful to not get sucked into her problem.

[makbike]

I agree with all that has been posted. Being a friend, listening, joking, etc are what she needs. She needs a purpose to get out of bed each day, does she have a pet? Listen to her, support her, be there for her but don't take on her problems. Sadly, one person's depression can drag a lot of caring people down so please be careful. In the end your friend has to decide she wants to get well or she wants to continue to live her life as it is.

[KnottedYet]

Yes, make her go for a walk!

Chronic pain-state is depressing both to the mind and to the body, and the only way to interrupt it is through physical activity. Whatever physical activity she will do. (Knitting/painting/drawing counts!)

When the body is used to being in pain, even if it's medicated, it begins to interpret all sensory input as some sort of pain. Getting moving is hard, but once it gets moving it begins to recalibrate sensory input so that non-pain is interpreted correctly.

Spinal pain really s*cks, but doing something physical can make a huge difference.

(our chronic pain patients are always amazed at what a change they feel in their pain intensity)

[LBTC]

teigyr - I agree with everything everyone has said. Thank you for caring enough for your friend to try to help. Be careful for yourself.

Does she have a pet? Can she have a pet? During a very low phase in my life (was I clinically depressed? when I look back now, I think so), I believe the reason I continued to function is that each morning my dogs and cats needed me to get out of bed and feed them and let them out and once I was out of bed I'd think, well, I'm up, I might as well go to work....

During the emotional roller coaster of illness over the past year and a half, my salvation has been this board - the support I've found here, the acceptance, encouragement, knowledge - it's helped to balance some very negative emotions and help me recognize that healing is taking place, however slow it may be. And here is where I discovered the power of butterflies. Such a simple visualization that can lift one's spirits even just a little, even just for a moment. As you know, I offer them to others often, and I've had more than one report that they've helped.

For you - butterflies to keep your spirit protected and happy; for your friend - butterflies to give her a glimpse of the joys in life that make it worth living....

Hugs,
~T~

[OakLeaf]

What lph said.

Is there any way she can get into therapy, and from individual into group therapy? (I don't mean an unsupervised lay support group, which can sometimes be very good and sometimes very damaging.) I know this raises a whole 'nother can of worms - even if insurance will pay for it, it's SO hard to find a qualified therapist, and within the small pool of qualified therapists she then has to find someone whose personality clicks with hers. But it's INCREDIBLY helpful to be able to talk about her issues in a safe place and get feedback from a professional and/or from people with similar experiences. You learn you're not a freak. You learn that what you do can affect others in both positive and negative ways. You learn what is and is not appropriate behavior - what you may have never learned in childhood - and you learn what are and are not appropriate risks for yourself to try.

My personal opinion: don't mess with cognitive-behavioral therapy. That's just the psychology equivalent of "Doctor, it hurts when I go like this." "Well, stop going like that. That'll be $200." Just my opinion, and go ahead and flame on, anyone who's a practitioner of that method.

If she's getting her meds from a primary care doctor, maybe she can get a referral to a psychiatrist. Often it takes several tries to find a med and a dosage that works and that doesn't have excessive side effects. Often, once you've been through that grueling process, a med that worked for a while just stops working and you have to do it all over again.

The issue of work is really, really thorny. Yes, it's important to have a reason to get out of bed in the morning. On the other hand, what one person might consider a low-stress job could easily cause someone else to decompensate. Or even if you maintain a level of functioning, you may not be able to keep up with a job in the competitive market. Then you're worse off than before you started, because you're reinforced in your sense of your own worthlessness and helplessness. So if she can find that rare job that's part-time, self-paced, low-responsibility and low-public contact, by all means urge her to try it, but don't encourage her to take too big of a step too soon.

Good luck and hugs to you and her.

-Oak, whose personal experiences aren't the only reason I no longer work with disabled clients.

[teigyr]

Thank you.

I know my parents were concerned when I told them I was back in contact with her and they said not to get sucked in. I haven't seen her in maybe 15-20 years so I think I'm a bit more mature now?!! In retrospect I had so much fun with her but all the signs were there. I didn't realize my parents saw all those signs also but that figures.

In talking to her sister, I learned she had been working as a H.S. teacher. She had a horrible principal that ultimately got fired but (and this is according to the sister), my friend was picked on. Also, she had been married and her soon to be ex-husband would get mad when he'd get home and find she hadn't been out of bed all day. He was deemed insensitive for not understanding though I might've been mad too had I been in that situation.

They have a lot of pets but since her sister takes care of them, there is no responsibility from my friend. My friend's sister is having surgery in a few weeks and another family member will come take care of her because my friend can't.

I'd say there is some enabling going on...I know my friend's sister isn't forcing my friend to do anything. She jokes and says my friend has been diagnosed bi-polar but she keeps waiting for the manic stage to show up so her garage will get cleaned.

I remember a long time ago, when we were in H.S., we went to take the pony for a walk. (Yes, I had a pony that I used to take for walks!) Something happened, I can't remember the sequence but the pony reared (my friend was in control of her) and I got upset and said something to the effect that she was doing something wrong. After that, my friend had asthma and could no longer be around the pony. Looking back at that and looking at now, where it seems like each hurtful situation causes something else she can't be around, it makes sense but that is scary in so many ways.

I know I can't force anything. When I was married to my depressed and bi-polar ex-husband I'd say things like "c'mon, I bet you'll feel better if we just go to the movies". I learned that sometimes people, when they feel forced, strike out and not in good ways.

Anyway, thank you all for some good things to think about. I still need to see her, she's out of state. It'll be hard, I learned she chain smokes (and her public assistance insurance won't pay for drugs to help stop that) and I am OH so allergic to that!

When I called her last night, also, she thanked me for calling. I learned that she (my friend) doesn't "make contact" with people either by computer or phone or whatever. She kept saying how much she appreciated me calling. So that is a good thing, I think.